h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So I've had some mild depression for quite a while now. It's nothing earth shattering and I am dealing with it. But the strangest things will really make me introspective (something I don't like to do).

I've been addicted to the TV series Scrubs. I own the first three seasons on DVD and I have archival backup copies of the fourth and fifth seasons that a friend burned for me. It's a witty and funny series. The nature of the show makes death part of it's scripts. You can't do a medical show and not show the dark side of medicine. People die, and medical practitioners deal with it constantly. But every time there was a death in the series it really struck me.

I'm not the type of person who crys at movies. Hell I never really cried when my father died. It's not in my nature to be overly demonstrative of my emotions. I don't let my emotions get the better of me. But I'll be damned if watching fictional grief does not effect me negatively at the moment. I don't get all watery eyed, but I do stop for a while and start down that dark path. I don't like that I am having this reaction. Maybe I should do something about it, but the only person that I believe that I could let my gaurd down to is unavailable. I don't like opening up to strangers, at least not my real deep feelings. It's not my speed, and I can't see myself allowing some headshrink that sort of access to my psyche. I just don't know what other options are there. I have noticed some self destructive habits forming of late, and I don't want to become someone I despise over this. I won't cover real problems with drugs and I won't use my problems as a copout for everything else. While I know that what's going on in my head is effecting other areas of my life (primarily my work), I can't let that be an excuse to slack off.

It's going to be an interesting journey. One that I can't say that I am going to be happy to be on. I've just about convinced myself to get into some kind of grief counseling. I just have so many reservations about it though. I can't help shaking the idea that this is some sort of touchey feeley way of copping out on my real issues. But I can't let a sitcom make me feel like I did eight months ago when I got that 2:00 a.m. call from my mother. I can't be strong for my family when the pillar that I borrowed my strength from is now ash in a fancy metal container. I can't be the engineer I want to be when I can't get any sort of passion for my job. I can't get myself healthy when it feels like it's a bygone conclusion that I will have the same fate as my father. It's a vicious cycle and I hate that I can watch it happen. I'm smarter than this...

Counselling is smart. As the monk observed of Musashi, it's possible to defeat yourself by being too strong! I'd consider the tv program to be a trigger of some sort for the things that are really bothering you.

Dude, I've said it before and I'll say it again: counselling can be a good thing and they do not always medicate. Having someone not involved to talk to can be a great release. That said, you have been there for me through thick and thin and I wish to do the same for you. If you need to talk, you know how to reach me.

I think you've come to a useful conclusion too, Marv. There is a certain amount of intelligence needed, I always think, in recognising when to ask for help.

I'll be thinking of you.

Thank you for posting your thoughts Marv. I have been thinking about you since your father passed away and wondering how you are and how you're coping. Facing the death of a parent is something I am still dealing with and I'm not coping very well at all.

I don't see councellors or "shrinks" as you call them, but I do have good friends to talk to, thank goodness.

I'm the same as you, some real-life things I can't cry over (and I have no partner to cuddle either) but some TV programmes, or a book, really get to me and I weep buckets. It's an outlet, and I regard it as a good one, because it releases all those trapped, bottled-up feelings.

As has been said seeing someone is a smart move. Recognising the changes in yourself before they get out of hand is smart.

Take care.

Marv, you are definitely making the right choice by seeing a counsellor. I'm prone to anxiety and depression, largely due to the after-effects of a very grim period in my life in the late 1990s. I see a wonderful counsellor once a week, and it really helps. Sometimes it's good just to talk and to get whatever's worrying me out in the open; there are times when I feel like I know what to do as soon as I've stated the problem out loud.

A good counsellor won't try to tell you how to live your life, but they can help you to see another angle on a situation and so understand things better. I swear that my counsellor understands me better than I understand myself - I guess that's her job, but she's very good indeed at it. I find that almost every week I end up telling her 'that's a really good question' or 'that's exactly it!' I really hope that you can find a counsellor who suits you just as well.

Marv, go with your instincts. If formal counselling is an option for you, then I think it will probably help you. Sometimes we find ourselves backed into emotional corners and need to find a different way of dealing with it all.

Marv, I think that I overreact emotionally to things I see on tv, too. I've been thinking about it and I think it is because I tend to suppress emotional reactions that occur as a result of RL happenings. I believe it is my brain's way of letting me know that I need to acknowledge those feelings and that I don't also have to hide my feelings. Ah well, enough about me. I just wanted to let you know that you are not unique in that way. Maybe I have some Vulcan blood.

If you don't have a friend to share with, I think counseling is a great idea. Particularly because they should be objective.

Sorry to hear you're unhappy, Marv. I don't think what you're going through is abnormal or unusual - just part of the process of grieving for your father. Everybody deals with grief differently and it's been hard for you being so far away from your family.

I agree that ounselling might be a good idea - does your employer provide this sort of thing? Most big companies do - and anything discussed with a counsellor is completely confidential. It certainly wouldn't hurt to try it and if you felt it wasn't working or didn't feel right, you could always discontinue.

I hope you'll feel like your usual self again soon

Visiting your page for the first time, and found this diary...

Marv, it would be easy (and untrue) to say I know exactly how you feel. But I can definitely relate.

After my sis died, I found that I was crying at everything. I would wake up crying. I would cry at phone commercials, or sappy television shows, or really bad movies. Not just sad stuff, either. When I'm happy, I cry. When I hear a song I really like, I cry. Any sort of strong emotion and my eyes are tearing up. It's gotten to the point where I get mad at myself because my eyes won't stop leaking. And I can't watch shows like Six Feet Under, because I get too upset. That really sucks, because it's a good show.

I think that grief deepens the well of emotion, if that makes any sense. Whenever I feel any emotion at all, I draw from that well, and there's a lot more water in the well than there used to be.

I've always felt that counselors are there to guide you to the places in your head that you don't really want to look at. It's not like medicine, where the doctor can give you a pill. Counseling can really help you to compartmentalize your emotions, and deal with them on a day-to-day basis. Grief is a healthy thing. Crying is a healthy thing. The more you confront your grief, the less likely it is to sneak up on you.

About a year after Elanor died, I decided that I wanted to do something different. Try new things, strike out in different directions. It's when I first started making leather masks, actually. Working with leather is very satisfying - the feel of the leather, the way it smells, forming it while it's wet - all that gave me a sense of accomplishment. It's funny, because Elanor was a vegetarian, and would only wear natural organic products - no leather. Still, I think she'd be pleased. She was never the judgemental type, and always liked it when people were original and creative.

The only thing I regret is that I didn't spend more time with my parents while they were still torn up over Elanor's death. I feel like I should have done more, been there for them. I don't know. Maybe I'm being harsh on myself - I certainly wouldn't have been much help, as I was grieving myself.

It's been ten years since she died, and I still grieve. It's something that doesn't go away, but you learn to live around the hole.

Lentilla, I don't really cry. I just feel like it some times.

I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, usually. I am pretty closed off. It's just who I am.

I find myself distant from my mom and sister these days. It's hard to talk to them knowing the rough go of it that they are having. I still need to do something, anything really. I looked in to counseling and am still trying to find somewhere to go. I am sure that my internalizing of my feelings is a big part of other negative aspects of my life right now.

I really don't like coming in to work at the moment. And as work is an overwhelming portion of my life, this is a bad thing. I think that what I do is important, so not doing it well is a very large indicator of how my personal life is spilling over in to my private life.



Hmm, I re-read what I just wrote and I see that I am rambling again. I should get back to the network outage that I am working on...

> It's hard to talk to them knowing the rough go of it that they are having.

I had - have - the same problem with my parents. I knew they were going through a tough time, and I wanted to help, but talking to them brought back up all the grief that I was dealing with. And as my dad put it, what is there to talk about? We all miss her very much - what more is there to say?

I don't know if you're religious... I'm not, but I know that pastors make great grief counselors. My parents' pastor is a kind man, and helped them through the worst of it.

> Lentilla, I don't really cry. I just feel like it some times.

I think sometimes crying can be good for you. But we all deal with our emotions in different ways. Everybody needs a release valve. I started exercising regularly, and found that it was harder to be depressed when I'd just worked out. I'd like to start exercising with something that involves me punching something... Get all that aggression out, too!

> I should get back to the network outage that I am working on...

Yes! I know what a pain in the tookus it can be when the servers go down.

Marv, I've been watching this for a while, you have my sincerest condolences....though I realize quite belated. I really haven't known what to say.

I lost my parents long years ago, and I still think of them both,often. But my father and I had a special bond. I've come to deal with the fact that I was closer to dad than mom.

That took a number of years to sort through in my mind. Guilt is an painful companion.

Keeping emotions "tucked away" is a typical male response in the US. We are trained from birth. Sucks, but it is the culture we live in. If you can find counseling, it will do you well....if not, trust me, the emotions you feel will eventually sort themselves out. Time will do the job, though it may not seem it will at times.

In the meantime...contact your loved ones. This is a time to join ranks and support one-another. I'm sure they could use it, same as you. When all else is lost, family will be there.

They were for me, I think they will be for you.

If you are there for them.

By the way, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

NM