h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No need to gloat.

Woohoo! I have gossip to pass. What model box? Not a clue, and I can't see the plate on the back for all the wires. Told you, I'm not a tech-head.

It went very well, extremely entertaining. How's your hangover?

Keep on like that and you'll get a lambada.

A f*ck. Blame Steve Tyler. Do you despise Aerosmith?

But I get to do it so rarely.

You have? So why didn't you spill? It doesn't tell you on the back. There's a sticker on the bottom. I've found a scam that might let you get your channels back.

Have you been demoted then? I have no hangover.

I'd rather wait 'til after midnight for that.

How do you get hit by one then? Is it like an accident or something? Not despise them no, not a favourite though.

Awww, go on then. How good was the ale again?

I will when I reply to your email. The sticker on the bottom says it's a 1010, I have had a good couple of years I think.

I admit it, I hallucinate frequently. You don't? Did you have one earlier?

You're never around after midnight, sure you don't want it now? I'm wearing my doggy slippers.

It's a metaphor. Tyler's a lyrical genius...'backstage boogie set your pants on fire' *air wails*

It was fantastic. Nah! The zeal's gone now.

A good couple of years with what?

I knew it! Nah, just a fluffy heid, are you working on getting one soon?

Ooh! Doggy slippers, go on then. Mind you don't slip.

Lyrical genius?! You mean like: Dood looks like a lady!?

You could gloat about the cake instead.

I meant I've had 'it' a good couple of years, so it's bound to be quite an early model. Apparently it's phase 1b, don't know if that means what I think it means.

I'm sure it said Miss World. Do you mean am I working on getting a job so I can smoke every night?

I think maybe I'll just jump up and down on the bed, can't dance in these things, they're huge.

Janies Got a Gun was pretty good, Sweet Emotion was sheer class. Ever heard the really early stuff?

Nah! The moment's gone now. Another time.

Oh! I have the 1000 series the oldest. Mind you I had six boxes in the first four months. I don't know what you think it means, but it just the second version.

Miss America is good too. Either that or drug dealing.

Watch you don't give yourself an injury.

Err, dunno, like I say, I was never a big fan.

I've had the same box since I first got digital, it's never gone wrong. That's what I thought it meant, their second attempt...I take it they haven't been getting better with time?

It's only one step up from my state title. Would you recommend dealing as a career?

I'm going to end up with two black eyes, just as well they shrank a bit. Any requests?

Ah, so you've never witnessed the lyrical genius then?

Lucky sod, I couldn't get into my emails for the first 8 months. I must have been one of their guinea-pigs. Apparently they're fed up with the PACE boxes and in talks with Scientifica Atlanta about new boxes. Which is nice.

A step in the right direction though. And there are 50 states. Not really, the pension scheme is rubbish.

None that I could state on a family site.

I've heard enough to know that they are far from lyrical genius'(sp?).

I don't think I even set up the email til the beginning of last year. I think they've definitely been toying with you all along. Damn, they should've asked Toshiba to come up with something better.

I picked Alabama because it was the easiest one to win."theme to Deliverance" Isn't there a union or owt?

Nice eyeliner...gimme a clue. How many syllables?

You've only heard the singles from the 80's, that was after the ammo nitrate wore off. Geniuses or genii by the way.

To give you credit, you did say you weren't a tech head. Even funlad managed it. I got compensated so, let the toying commence. The SA boxes look very state of the art and can do a lot more than these even, web browsing. Do Toshiba make STB's?

And now you'll have to practice the Anthem on your air guitar.
Oh say can you see...
No but if you start doing well, you get some free holidays on the Isle of Wight.

A good mouthful.

And the rot set in, no doubt. Who gives a toss?

I also had a very active social life. In other words I was too pissed to even bother. Ooh, how much did you get? Did they release anything about memory capacity or sound cards? Toshiba make PCs, laptops and handhelds but they're damn reliable and the technology isn't far off is it?

In the style of Celine Dion... By the da-a-a-a-a-a-wns eeeeeearly li-i-i-i-i-i-i-ght...
How about the business trips to Amsterdam?

I need another clue."sticks leg out"

The rot couldn't set in, they were practically pickled. Ol' Steve is remarkably well preserved. Me and me alone.

Ah! So that's why you're around here all the time. Just a tenner each time I complained. Once it was fifty quid added to my bill, which was nice. I think the memory on the 4000 series is slighty better, no sound card though. Maybe you should suggest it to Toshiba's suggestions department.

Argh!!! Quit it!!! That's a sure fire way of getting that holiday.

Yeah, like you'd need another. *grabs leg*

*wonders what to do with it*

Dunno aboot that, dood looks like an old man. They have towels y'know.

Yup. That's precisely why. I'd probably rush back to check the place even if I was out all the time. Jammy sod! How did you wangle that? What was aka on about with the .wav files? Maybe I will, I'll take it all the way to the top.

Neeeeear, faaaaaar, wherehehehever you-ooh a-are, I beli-hieve... Hmmm, do you reckon a retirement villa in Thailand is out of the question?

I'm naive."sticks other leg out"

No he doesn't. He looks like an old woman. They're a bit rough on my skin, give us a loan of your shorts.

So we have an addict then? Just all the messing about and the constant crashing and knackered boxes I was getting for over six months. Believe me, it wasn't enough. Something about you being able to hear them on the box, I haven't come across any though. Remember who gave you the idea when you make your first million.

*sticks celery in ears* Dunno, are you after a lady-boy or summat?

Sure you are.*grabs other leg*

I would but they're keeping me cool.

Good afternoon btw, hows ickle you?

Yup, I woke up this morning to find I was still connected and it put a big grin on my face. So would the alarming 'HOOONK' noise on yoome games be a .wav file then? No use sucking up now, you're officially ostracised.

"sings into celery" Curtis Lowe was the fah-nest pickahh to evah play the blues Nah, a thai boxer.

I am, it comes with youth... "flails around helplessly"

You'd be even cooler if you were nakkid.

Good afternoon to you, I'm godd. How's you sweaty?

Yayyy! Shame the firewall's back up though, still can't have everything. They could be, given the description. Officially?! Since when? How do I appeal?

I didn't realise you were such a fan.*cuts ears off and burst eardrums*

You're hardly a toddler now.*cops a feel*

I'd be arrested if I was that cool.

Well hello there godd. I'm good, just found the sym saga. Any goss?

Damn, is it? I haven't even checked yet. Did you poop your pants the first time you heard the honk? Just keep grovelling, I may change my mind. I'll put you in my will.

Of Curtis Lowe or Thai boxing? "drums the Titanic theme on Pisty's head"

I still look young, I can pass for 17. Gipper. "gives
chase"

Haven't you got a thong?

Damn, forgot the -ess. I had a look at that this morning, interesting. I wonder what the accusation is actually based on? Nope, no goss...well apart from an insight into the Satanic thread. You got any?

It is for me. Err, no.*steps away* Change your mind.

C&W. Have you no sympathy?

Now you're starting to sound like . *Keeps running very slowly*

I don't think I've had a thong since I was 13.

Must have been a keyboard freeze. Have you thrown an all-nighter again? Hmmm, well looking at a few of her threads especially the one proclaiming her love for "O", I suspect the ban may have been justifiable. Ooh! WHats the insight? Nope.

Me too by the looks of it. I had it at high volume through 300w speakers. Tell me what 'tats' means and you're back in.

Lynyrd Skynyrd ain't C&W. Just a little. #HITLERRRRR HAS ONLY GOT ONE BALL, THE OTHER IS IN THE KELVIN HALL..#

Except I'm not delusional, no-one ever guesses that I'm 23, it's annoying. "produces handcuffs"

You had a thong at 13?! What the hell did you get up to as a kid?

Nah, someone phoned me moby and woke me up at 10. Were you up early? Ooh, which thread? I haven't scoured yet. Have a look at the message centre, someone's after Sat and they have many reasons. Cheer up, you'll be here to get some now.

Ooh, forgot. The person that posted to posted to Satanic in alias.