h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What's with all these references to my being
"thick?"

And then the thing about becoming hideously fat?


My ashes are too good to be thrown in the faces
of the likes of you!

Right then Paul H. From the dazze we sail together on Pierce's ship, 'The Blood'...I shall rally the crew, if you "go" before I do...and in your honor...well will make a long line of your ashes upon a ('HUGE') mirror and snort you uplike the 'love drug' you are......and we shall mind the way of the wind!

Or... if we're all drunk and like, really hungry or sumthin'. We'll use yer rotting corpse for chum and 'ave ourselves ...oh I don't know... a nicesteak or sumthin'...sorta' a "formal" farethe well, Paul H, to Davey Jone's Locker.

I want my head preserved specially, with the eyes made out of glass put in some museum somewhere. Near the entrance, and I want the eyes to be the sort that look like they follow you.

Davey Jones' locker, eh?
I bet there's not much in there except
his jock strap and a pair of smelly sneakers.

You mean the guy from the Monkees?
He's about the same size as a locker, as I recall.

Oooooooo....I use to sit and wait for THAT Davey to come to my door for me......and when they came out with the song Valerie,
I *knew* he'd be coming for me!!!
It was just last year that I realised that the 'V' name was spelled differently that the way I spell mine. Silly girl...
...and they call her Va-a-a-aleri-e-e-e-e...

That was a fun series. I liked it plenty.

Never saw much of it. Any of it. Too young I 'spect.

Yeah, yeah...don't need to rub it in.
Although...I must say...I do enjoy my age...

Sorry grandma.

It's about 10 pm on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar is
about ready to go home.

Before he gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him, "Hey
buddy," why're ya goin' home so soon? I usually see you here until
past midnight. Something wrong?

The guy responds, "No aint nothin' wrong, just gotta sore rearend
from sittin' on this stool for so long."

"Buddy, I got just the thing for ya." says the bartender as he's
reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar.

He pulls a bottle of pills, opens the bottle and hands the guy two
pills.

The guy says, "What're these, aspirin?"

"No," says the bartender, "stool softener."

Oooooooo what a wonderful idea

...*hides the hammer behind her back that she's gonn' hit the fella' what jusssss called her grandma...*

Have you heard the Van Gough one?
A man walks into a bar and sees Van Gough(sp?) sitting up at the bar. He says "Hey you're Van Gough aren't you? I'm a big fan, love all your work. Hey, let me buy you a drink!" and Van Gough says "No thanks mate gote one ear."

And the Shakespeare one:
Shakespeare walks into a bar and the barman says "Get out ya bard"

...*flattens Roadkill with the hammer...*

I deserved that.

I'm glad we see eye to eye on that...*picks up Roadkill and flings him like a frisbee...wonders if that dog running past will jump into the air and grab him...*