h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Since Mala's just back from sailing the ocean blue with the Vikings and a film crew - complete, she says, with cursing Gaelic narrator - and since we're doing nothing more exciting than eating lunch beside the computer, our thoughts over here turned to the first century and its use of boats.

As I said, I'm sitting next to a computer, so I started Barney Googling.

Hurrah, they found a first-century boat. In Kinneret (the Sea of Galilee). Cool. They called it 'the Jesus boat'. That makes sense, at least from a PR standpoint.

http://www.sacred-destinations.com/israel/images/galilee/boat/boat-c-zyzy.jpg

According to the online information, a couple of Israelis were 'inspired' to recreate these boats. I imagine the need for a new tour-guide line is a good form of inspiration. They now have 7 boats - JOHN, MATTHEW, MARK, SIMON, NOAH, PAUL, and LUKE. (I want to go ride in the NOAH. I want to take a raven and a dove with me. And snacks.) They have engines for backup, but they soundproofed them so as not to drown out all the pilgrims praying.

This is utterly cool. Apparently, pilgrims from everywhere want to experience the boat Jesus used as a floating preaching platform once. Afterwards, the pilgrims get certificates. This is a very ancient practice: remember Canterbury? The local museum in Cologne had lots of tourist souvenirs from the 13th century. They sold them to pilgrims. I lie not. (Which would you rather take home, a statuette of St Laurence with his gridiron, or one of St Barbara with her tray of what Elektra naively assumed to be hot cross buns?)

I suspect the pilgrims have forgotten how dangerous it was to get into a boat with the Master. He tended to fall asleep, let a big storm come up, and then wake up and tell it to stop, because it was disturbing his nap. Alternatively, he refused to wait for the invention of water skis before venturing out on the surface on foot...

Anyhow, I'll bet the punters have a wonderful time out there. I know I would. They book tours - I'll give you the link in a minute - and demonstrate fishing techniques. I'm totally up for this.

I feel a kinship with these fergusons, and Mala will, too, as soon as I tell you the best bit of their explanation:

The museum site states: 'The boat is made of 12 different types of wood and measures 25.5 ft. (8.2 m) long, 7.5 ft. (2.3 m) wide, and 4.1 ft (1.25 m) high.' (I like these people, they saved me the metric madness.)

It goes on to tell us that the boat had a crew of five, and could carry 15 extra passengers. In case that surprises us, they add...

...wait for it...

People were smaller then.

My kind of tour guides.

Here's the boatmen's website:

http://www.jesusboats.com/jesus_boats.html

When you're tired of the North Sea, Mala, here's your next gig.

Why are the measurements not in cubits?

Sorry, couldn't restrain myself.

I love that.

planner - foot off
joiner - pardon
planner - 12 inches fool
joiner - ah! the plank

Surely, the height of people wouldn't affect the number of passengers?

how come they didn't name two of the boats george and ringo is what i'd like to know

Bel, they said people were *smaller* then. I was being polite. Not only were they shorter, they weighed appreciably less.

Pierce, you've hit on another thing that puzzled me...the tour guides said that they would play 'authentic music'. Now, as far as I know, there isn't much authentic music around from the First Century. (That stuff in the Hollywood movies was probably written by Sol Bloom, the composer of 'There's a place in France.')

They must mean Beatles tunes. After all, they were more popular than the fella in the boat - at least, in their own estimation...

indeed, and they already named to of the boats after the apostles john and paul. it's not fair to george and ringo i say, why should they be left out?

and i'm not quite sure about matthew, mark, simon and luke, but i think they forgot pete as well - and noah certainly never was a member of the beatles!

Perhaps the true story was never told.

It's a small step from this to JesusWorld...

So far, they haven't succeeded with those Biblical theme park ideas. Let us pray.

Unfortunately with this sort of thing there is more preying than praying. Why do I keep thinking of Jim and Tammy Faye?

Because of real estate?

Although I doubt the tourist business in Israel is that bad. I think they're giving value for money here, and enhancing the sightseeing experience.

As a former ferguson, I appreciate these little touches...

Since the Bakker scandal, I always check my tour guides for clumping mascara andblue eyeshadow. If either are present, I get a different tour guide.

I hadn't considered the weight.

I deny owning any blue eyeshadow...

How about the mascara?

I used to. But that was for the stage, honest... And hair-straightening gel, that sort of thing...

The older I get, the more I wish I had learned how to apply cosmetics a bit better. I have to settle for low lighting.

Get you an actor to show you what to do, Hyp. It's a matter of what you want people to notice...

Our theatre manager used to have a great set of make-up in an old tackle box...