h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've just unwrapped my father's birthday present.

He's gone completely off his rocker now.

It was a huge and heavy box (like a dark and stormy night, but worse) about 50cm to a side.

It contains:

Old, torn clothes my sister and I had at his place for working in the woodshop - when we were about 12 and 14, you can imagine how well they fit now!

A lot of loose birdseed.

Everything else that was in the closet, apparently: some random bicycle parts, my sister's half-finished crocheting projects, a few scraps of PVC, leather, and other random material, stuffed in a plastic bag, some used tissues, some sanitary towels, luckily not used, and half a bottle of deodorant.

This was, apparently, the padding for the main present.

He made it himself

It's a wooden pyramid about 30cm high, with a plastic goat glued to the top.

There is a clock in the bottom of the pyramid, and it's open about halfway up to show a goat bell (like a small cow bell) - the entire thing is lit from the back, and there are additional red LEDs around the clock face.

Apparently, it's an alarm clock. The enclosed letter reveals that being woken by radio noise is just too harsh and unnatural, so instead, the light will go on and the goat bell will jangle

What the do I *do* with this?

it sounds fantastic!

It scares me! Especially the little goat with its beady little eyes.

At least the very bottom of the box contained my much-read and much-marked script for "Mama Has The Best Marijuana", which I've been trying to find for years.

Treasure it. It will be a conversation piece in years to come.

And the story of it will indemnify you for the inconvenience in having it around.

(Trust me on this. 'There is beauty in the fury of the gale...')

It is, er, your 150-pound alabaster foo dog.

This goes beyond "inconvenience"

It's been jingling intermittently for the last half hour. And now all the lights are blinking.

But it's not possible to turn the light *off* except by pulling the plug. He's programmed the thing to fade on and off slowly over ten minutes, which means it's rather useless as a bedside lamp.

And it doesn't have an off switch

Aha! You are now the proud possessor of a Ghastly Osity. Congratulations and may it give you much pleasure.

One use has already been mentioned - that of conversation piece.
However, there is another use which comes before the conversation. Put it somewhere in your lodgings where it is on display, but perhaps not the focal point of the room.

The game then is to see how various different visitors react.
Dare they call you on having such a odd/ugly/whatever ornament?
Will they joke about it and risk offending you, thus ignoring any social niceties about such things?
Will they make some nice/neutral remark about it and assume since it is on display either you like it or it has sentimental value and thus they had better make out they too appreciate it?

Or will they merely pretend it is not there to avoid making a social gaffe?

And lastly, as very much a future plan!, you can leave it to someone in your will and imagine their expression after attending the will reading and receiving that!

Oh, so much fun can be had with such things! Especially if you have a bit of the evil genius about you.

Actually, scratch that. I've seen piccies of your bathroom (as was). It'll fit perfectly.

It's no use. I've read the description about three times and I still can't see it in my head!

I think it's some kind of Da Vinci Code thing. Pyramid - goat - LED - clock. Let's see:

Step 1. Goat - mountain goat. Mountain = the Alps

Step 2. Mountains are sometimes like pyramids.

Step 3. Part of the Alps is in Switzerland. They make Toblerone there - which is close enough to pyramidal when you break one chunk off.

Step 4. Some Toblerone contains milk, which is something obtainable from a goat.

Now the final link in the chain is the LED. By this stage it should be obvious. In order to gather milk to put in the Toblerone, the goat was LED up an alpine trail and milked.

QED.

It all seems to fit - still, beats me why he didn't just by you a bar of Toblerone!

I think it sounds awesome. It'd annoy me right out of bed. So, effective, too.

The goat's just the icing on the cake.

Happy birthday?

Sounds awesome. Happy birthday (belated) and Valentines! xD

Toblerone! You mean he might send me something I'd like?

Um, yes. Here we are, then. Pictures. http://public.fotki.com/Malabarista/goat-clock/

This fails to convey the full horror of the goat clock, but you can see how even though he made CAD drawings (which he enclosed) he failed to make a frontplate that fits accurately. This is, apparently, on purpose, because "You have to be able to tell it's handmade".

It must be one of those intentional flaws to show that the maker isn't trying to rival God.

It's not as bad as I imagined, though.

Riiight

It's worse in reality, the photos are too flattering

Off to the bathroom it goes, I needed a clock there anyway!

And I'll just ask to be buried with that and my sword. To really, really confuse future archaeologists.

"And I'll just ask to be buried with that and my sword. To really, really confuse future archaeologists."



I have no comments to make about the clock. Well, I do, but I'm going to keep them inside.

So, happy birthday.

Mala... you got it wrong. The LEDs of course symbolize the sun rising in the mountains in the morning. Then the goats wake up and their bells start ringing. Giving you a real sun to it would obviously have been too much trouble.

That's exactly what he said in the letter, Tav

thought so, I've always been good in interpreting things

The eternal shape of the pyramid and the ancient symbolism of the goat and the calming noise of the cowbell rining with the wonderful glowing/flashing lights <wow.... I think still that it sounds great

D'you want it, 2legs?

I've never thought of cowbells as "calming"

happy birthday! (when was it?)

That really is a *different*

Reminds me of a metronome