h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Don't forget the uniform cap, "milady". With the lovely shiny silver double-bars front and centre ...

oh look.. you dropped some jelly babies.. (rn bends over)..
THWAAAACCCCKKK!!!


(brushes hands together..
that'll teach yiz)...

And just supposin' I liked that?

oh crap. another awkward one


right come back here till we look at yer..


hmmm (rubs chin thoughtfully, then slaps foot up on nearby chair and lifts skirts, removes large cutlass from her doc martins)

ok

what do you want removed first?

Ummm, I don't think I've any bits or pieces that I can really spare right now ... Oh Look !!! What a beautiful parrot over there *pointing aimlessly*





>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

*runs straight into hold through the open hatch*

haaaaarrrrrrr,, now you can sit there in the dark me 'arty, with dai, and eat bugs till i decides wot to do wi yer..

*clears throat and prepares to sing at the wench. knowing there ain't nothing more torturous *

erm.. *looks about quickly for earplugs, and realises that dai is already wearing them, grrrrrr, nothin for it but to 'ack 'is 'ed orf'

holds up cutlass menacingly*


dont make me do it

*fractured- .... me bonny lies over de oashun ... me boooooonny lies over the seeeee .... fractured-*

....... this is your last chance. (hovering between thrill of 'ackin 'im to pieces and thought of slicing that 'andsome moustached face).. hmmm hmmm quandry..

ok

tips him over the side of the frigate instead.. ...... to the strains of ''bonny lies over the ....glug glug.. maaaa glug. bubble bubble.. bon-gurgle-nee,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

now (looks into the hold).. dai, dont even try it.. you may have sung in the church choir but it's monday and i've already had youse up to here....................

*reaches a hand inside the stylish bloused shirt and finds the emergency cannister of "Person-Over-Board--Oxygen" (patented by ACME Inc, 1997) and begins to walk to shore ....*

OI.. *waves fist at potential-pirate-one-eyed-nick from the deck of the Frigate*

Aye be almost sure you aint alowed them new fangled gadgets in piratology.... you'll never make it as a real pirate me laddo if you're gonna ... oooooh. i loikes yer blouse,......erm..... would yer loike to come up on the bridge for a nice glass o grog? hmmmm?

*removing the blousy-sleeves of the silken (and somewhat soggy) shirt, and using a coupla sticks, ... semaphores from the beach ...*


S.o ...h.o.w ... w.a.s ... y.o.u.r ... w.e.e.k.-.e.n.d ... ? ...... A.n.y ... g.o.o.d ... p.i.l.l.a.g.e.i.n.g ... o.r ... r.a.p.i.n.g ...?

yeah all good (using hollowed out elephant tusk as a megaphone)

no raping unfortunately, but plenty o grog and got through an enormous pile of washing.. oops not supposed to show you my domesticated side.. i mean, i boarded 2 lucrative craft and bagged meself some nice booty.
now get yerself back on deck afore i guts ye

dont make me swing over thur on that there riggin rope

*wraps the sleeves stylishly about as a make-shift loin-cloth, grabs a vine, and with a piercing wail almost-Tarzan-like, swings back out across the waters .... *

THWUNK !!!! ..... *splasssssssh *

Awright, ... who moved the ship ?

ahem.... erm.. (points and looks away)
you dropped yer loincloth

snigger...

*relocates eye-patch as necessitated ...*

Now, about that grog? Two dips into the briny do send a shiver up and down the timbers.

hands him the grog....

yeah.. (cant tear eyes away)....

either that is an enormously big eye patch.. or....


anyway.. *clunk of tankards*. cheers!! now.. ...

is there anything i can help you with on your studies?

15 months i spent on some boring beach on a carribean island studying

p'raps you need a mentor

(dont worry viewers, i aint gone soft. i gots plans for this un..

muhahahahahaha

Well, I's never one to turn down the wisdom of experience. And I can tell ye've plenty of that. *discretely oggling the melons ... *

THWAAAACCCCK..


just cos i like it!!

no harm for a fella to get a good slap round the lug 'ole now and again

git yer beady eyes off me girls..

why is it you fellas think you can get away with talkin to some point a foot below the face.. .......well. ok 2 foot.. used to be 1 foot.. the wonder of the wonderbasque tho, means it's 1 foot again..

nother drop o grog?