h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

That is really strange...
I didn't think that it would matter which country you sent it from?
*mumbles* Very strange indeed...

Yeah it's a real pain. I wished I could let you see some of them jokes they are funny. Oh well I can always copy and pasted them for you. Hey that's it. What do you think?

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his
office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the
United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said.

"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on
you!";

"Well, Paddy,"; Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the
entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry quipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased
my army to one hundred fifty-thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've
modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o'the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off
the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred
thousand prisoners."

I nearly fell off my chair...
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

Got any more?
*wipes tears from her eyes*

I'll have to hunt them down. it took a while to get to that one. It was well worth it though.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support


| | | | | Inbox

Hehehe...

I did fall off my chair that time.. these are good...

Well Lass I'm looking for more it takes time I have to go through the backlog of messages from a old friend of mine. I'll get some more for you tomorrow Ok Me little friend. A platonic for you. Besides your gut muscles will start to hurt after a while.

Well, don't go to too much trouble...
But don't worry about me hurting myself - I'll be fine

Oh it's not to much trouble for me favourite Friend. I just have'nt gotten to all of them yet that's all.

Okay.
(Did anything ever come of the lottery thing?)

I'm having trouble trying to get the form faxed to the place in South Africa. I hope I can do it before it's to late. I'm sorry I've been busy today I had RL stuff to do and I had to take and get some shut eye so I could work tonight. So I'll try to get some more jokes posted before the weekend is over. I know you'll say don't bother. Really it's no trouble at all it well worth it to make you laugh Girl Ok So don't worry bout it Missy. Toodles

Good luck with everything - and don't stress too much!
Platonic

Stress me never..... Well sometimes Ok alot. Nah just Kiddin.

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After
the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight
pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand
why they were killing each other over 25 cents."Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get
the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hel-LLLO! It's only 25
cents!"

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh, my God! Really? What should I pack, beach stuff
or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the out."

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAAHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAH!!!!

I've got ton's of them. So be prepared.

To the citizens of the United States of America :- > > > > In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA > > and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation > > > of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen > > Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, > > commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not > > fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP > > for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a > > world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America > > without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will > > be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to > > determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a > > British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with > > immediate effect: > > > > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. > > Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be > > amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter > > 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', > > skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. > > Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the > > > letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced > > > 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix > > "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' > > e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' > > if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should > > raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". > > Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such > > > as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of > > communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' > > in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad > > language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop > > > your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. > > > > 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know > > on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take > > account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". > > > > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. > > > It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, > > > upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have > > to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as > > "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're > > talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as > > Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you > > persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become > > "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. > > > > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as > > the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to > > play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" > > > or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy > > American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional > > political incorrectness. > > > > 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The > > Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want > > you to get confused and give up half way through. > > > > 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind > > > of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very > > good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world > > outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays > > "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and > > should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if > > you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave > > enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to > > American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every > > twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We > > are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. > > You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an > > event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside > > > of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world > > beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of > > baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" > > which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, > > collector cards or hotdogs. > > > > 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons > > if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that > > there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. > > The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for > > "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will > > no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public > > > than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible > > enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a > > permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. > > > > 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new > > national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive > > Day". > > > > > > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for > > your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what > > we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You > > > will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same > > time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit > > > of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you > > understand the British sense of humour. > > > > 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French > > fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian > > though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in > > Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you > > insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real > > chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional > > accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. > > Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. > > > > 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to > > all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity > > to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. > > > > 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not > > actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper > > British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of > > known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". > > > > The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be > > referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the > > product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be > > referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true > > Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech > > Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. > > > > 13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as > > you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices > > with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the > > former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices > > (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). > > > > 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, > > lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and > > therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns > > should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort > > things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then > > you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. > > > > 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. > > > > Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly > > to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). > > > > Thank you for your cooperation. > > > > > > > > >_____________________________________________________________________

*nearly dies from laughing*
Don't do this to me... it's so funny...

(I feel so inadequate being unable to express screaming laughter over the internet...)