Journal Entries
Synchronicity and pizza
Posted Mar 16, 2004
Turns out I hadn't finished having a good weekend when I wrote yesterday's journal entry; after I finished writing it I signed off, signed out, walked out of the lab, walked out of uni, and saw Jacob and Anna across the street. Stopped to talk for a bit, and Anna went on home. I walked with Jacob because he was going my direction and wanted to visit some friends I was happy to go see...
On our meandering we came to the conclusion that at some time he and Anna should drop by my flat with pizza and Korean vodka, and have a random party-type-occurance sometime.
We ended up at Linda's place, and we started thinking about dinner. I had pizza on the brain and Linda said she had some vodka she wouldn't mind pulling out of the cupboard if we were going to have dinner at her place. It was certainly one of the nicer examples of synchronicity I've experienced...
So we went to get pizza, came back again and had dinner... Covenant was playing on the stereo, it was a nice atmosphere, a good vibe, and... I'm not even going to attempt to describe what happened next. I'm not entirely certain myself, but somehow Jacob Linda and I ended up jumping each other.
As far as random occurences go, it was a bit of a surprise to all concerned, but nobody was complaining. Even though, to quote myself from yesterday's post: "Males are just too darn lumpy." I'm so amused.
And I'm /so/ much more self-confident today. I'm not sure wether that has more to do with Jacob admitting "I've always wanted you" (heart-fluttering sigh!) or simply by the fact that I've now had sex with more people in the last four days than in the previous two years total.
So now I'm /completely/ convinced that moving to Hamilton was the right thing to do, and even more so by the e-mail I just received. Here, let me show you: (Yes significant details have been altered slightly)
ATTN: Jeremy Greenfield
I address this email to you in my capacity as head tenant and
leaseholder of Apartment X, X Marion Street, Wellington.
This email is to notify you that due to your insistance on retaining a
key your previous residence of Apartment X, X Marion St, Wellington
after your agreed upon tenancy there has expired, the locks to access
the residence are being changed, and five new keys are being cut (one
each for the four tenants and the landlord). In accordance with your
blatant refusal to return the key you are not entitled to, the cost of
the lock and key replacement will be billed to you.
If you to do not wish to continue upon this course of action, please
notify me as soon as possible by email, phone or fax (details included
below) of how and when you will be returning the aforementioned key. If
no notification is recieved by one week from the date of this email
(ie,
by Tuesday the 23rd of March 2004), it will be assumed that the key
will
not be forthcoming, and you will be billed as described above.
I understand that you have concerns about some of your belongings
being
removed from our residence after your departure from it, and we have
checked with people that have attended parties and so forth at the
residence to see if the goods can be located, but without success so
far. We will continue trying to locate them for you.
This, however, is no reason for you to retain a key to our residence.
We cannot watch your goods 24/7, and if you insist on leaving them in
the middle of our sitting room for 5 weeks and 2 days (30th Jan - 7th
March 2004) then we cannot, and will not, guarantee their safety.
Be aware that this email and any future correspondence may be
admissible in court.
I look forward to your reply.
--
Regards,
X X
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Mar 16, 2004
A random bag of "what the hel am I doing?"
Posted Mar 15, 2004
Phase one: introspection.
Before I delve into the description of my patchwork weekend, I just want to answer myself, of the questions I asked in a post a few weeks ago (which is about to get shunted off my page by this new post).
I quote:
"I like my flatmates. Remind my why on earth I'm moving away next weekend? To Hamilton, of all places? Swamp city?
Apart from a handful of friends, and the fact that Hamilton is the only place in the country I can do an AI degree, I have no reason to go there. Here in Wellington I finally have a great flat with great flatmates, and a great group of friends around me. I have a tolerable job which pays the bills, and a tolerable social life also.
But here isn't where my future can be. I'm stagnating and I know it. I need some kind of intellectual stimulation; and some kind of emotional stimulation will be vital for me before too long, too.
I hope moving to Hamilton is the right thing to do. Even if it isn't, I won't be able to move back again easily. Although it will be /so/ much easier to find a place to stay, and a social group to fit into, if I ever come back again."
After the bullsh*t that's happened over the last couple of weeks, I'm wondering why I didn't loathe my (now ex-)flatmates from the start...
It's true that Hamilton is the only place in the country I can study AI, and that was the only reason I had for coming back here. (After discovering that most of my old friends had moved, or worse). At least I can now say that I definitely did the right thing in moving.
Great flat with great flatmates, and a great group of friends? I'm still shocked how quickly things can change. I still care about some of the ones left; Abby, Ben, Ngoc, Carley, Julia, Ilya and Siobhan. To some extent, Chucky, but... things have changed, and bridges have been burnt.
The intellectual stimulation is fantastic; another added bonus has been remembering how creative my doppelganger and I get when we're together. Very cool!
Still waiting for the emotional stimulation though... more on that later.
But I won't be going back to Wellington for a /very/ long time. If at all. Ilya might be the only one to tempt me that much. Abby, Ben, Ngoc, Carley, and Julia can probably all be convinced to come to Hamilton at some stage anyway.
Phase two: retrospection.
On friday I got bored and went into town. Fair enough. Caught up with Rachel, who is now pretty much 'with' Callum, whom I can tolerate... but we went to school together and I really don't see him being a close friend anytime soon. Or ever. He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but... there's a history there.
The interesting thing about the situation is Rachel's flirtatious protestations that they're not really 'together' and they have an open relationship. When she's drunk she'll come over to my place at 3am to 'talk' and seemingly to tease the hell out of me. But she "doesn't want to do anything while she's drunk, but I'd definitely be keen... just jump me while I'm more sober, okay?" Yeah right. When she's sober she's completely anti, and says she doesn't remember saying these things. Okay, so she's an /experienced/ tease then. Hell I'm not too cut up, but I'd be interested to know what her game is.
/Anyway/... she seems to have had a lot of fun on friday night, dragging some random guy onto the dance floor, in front of both Callum and I, flirting like buggery with the poor soul, getting a drink or two out of him, and basically attempting to make us feel used/abused/discarded... whatever. Unfortunately for her neither Callum or I could really give a rat's *ss about her immature manipulations, but, again, it just leaves up both going: "Um... whut?"
Also on friday night I caught up with Nicky, a friend I've known for several years. She's an interesting character, and I mean that in both a good and a bad way.
Long story short, I took her home. That was nice. Although it's left me with some unresolved internal conflicts I'm going to have to deal with, I'm not going to go into the details here. This forum is too public.
Saturday, I walked Nicky part way home, went to the supermarket (Damn I'm broke again!), got home and got a text from Rachel and Callum asking if they could come over and go through some sword training with me. So we did that. Rachel's a very slow learner, but I've taught worse, and it was a nice distraction to try to mesh my teaching style with Callum's without overriding his authority (because I'm /heaps/ more experienced than he is). It started to get dark, we went inside and watched Donny Darco. It's still good. I could have been really awkward with Callum being in an amourous mood, but again since I don't have much of an emotional attachment left with Rachel, it's all good.
Remembered that I /really/ love the last song on the movie, and was hugely impressed to discover that I had the MP3 of it (Just - Mad world) Rachel and Callum left, I cooked dinner, got a text from Sophie saying "I'm bored. Come over and see my new house?" So I did. It was about 10:30 by the time I got there. Hung out, had a laugh, went home again. Got home about 1am. Was thinking about going into town again, but decided just to sleep instead.
Got woken up at about 12pm by Callum calling me, to confirm that I was coming to weaponstraining. I said yes, to which he replied "Good. We're turning onto your street now. We'll see you in one minute."
I usually don't like having to wake up fast, but I did okay. Caffeine helped.
Training was at Animal's house. It was fun. And tiring.
I got home again at about 4, 4:30pm. Had some lunch, remembered that Jeremy and I had been hoping to catch up sometime in the weekend, so I sent him a text. He replied, I moseyed over, and got there just as he was ready to leave, to walk down to the bottle store. Who was I to complain? So I walked there with him, and he bought bourbon.
mmmbourbon.
Walked back to his place, designed some fun stuff, decided to play playstation, got a text from Kris asking if she could come over, walked back to my place, met Kris, picked up playstation, got a text from Rachel asking if she could come over to borrow some uni notes, Rachel came over, got notes, and gave Jeremy, Kris and I a lift back to Jeremy's place, stopping off at the video store to hire some games on the way. And then Rachel went home again.
We drank some bourbon, and the three of us designed some wings and a landscaped fountain. We set up the playstation, and discovered my playstation's bung. Damn. Went back to the video store, hired a playstation as well, and Kris went on to her home. Jeremy and I pretty much spent the rest of the night drinking, playing playstation, drinking, designing stuff, drinking, and playing more playstation.
It was fun.
Got home at 2am monday morning, and wanted to do it all over again.
It's so much nicer to be around other people, who enjoy my company.
To make this post even longer, I have to question my own motives in posting such a long entry. Although 99% of what I write is for my own use, I could have reminded myself of all of these events with only 1/10th the number of words. So why do I write so much?
I'm reminded of Ambrese telling me of a sociological phenomona in Toronto; aparrantly people there feel so isolated from their idea of a larger community that people will happily tell their entire life history to a complete stranger in a bar. I'm told it happens quite a lot there.
Am I doing the same thing? Am I now feeling so isolated that I'm complelled to communicate the meagrest details of my existence because I somehow mistakenly feel like this web page /cares/?
If I felt I was posting /to/ a group of people rather than a page for legacy, this might be a different situation.
PS (while I think about it,) Ambrese has asked me yet again to get a LiveJournal account. The only decent reason I would have for doing that over any other communication method is so that I can share 'Private posts' with her.
Although the emotional and sexual possibilities of that feature are /extremely/ tempting, I'm still hesitant, for many reasons. Apart from the fact it seems like a bit of a waste to get an LJ account specifically for that one feature, when in all reality we could just e-mail each other, I'm also not sure if it would be healthy for me to develop more of an attachment to someone I miss so strongly and is so far away. If our attraction becomes an imperative force then by the time I get to Toronto it could well have blown past the proportion of reality. If I get there and discover that one or both of us /have/ changed to the point where we're not as compatible as we used to be, or as compatible as we'd like to be, then that could mean the dashing of my last great hope in life.
Conversely, though, I definitely don't want to hold back, only to discover later that I've slowed or damaged the development of something which was, in fact, very real and beautiful.
Conclusion: Women lead to conflict, both internal and external. If this trend continues for me, I might have to try homosexuality. Even just for a while, so I'm able to compare the deeper aspects.
Then again, perhaps not. Males are just too darn lumpy.
Discuss this Journal entry [19]
Latest reply: Mar 15, 2004
Uni uni uni
Posted Mar 9, 2004
Uni is about all I'm doing at the moment; its such a great distraction from my existence that I've thrown myself into it... perhaps a little too hard.
I really should make an effort to be more 'socially rounded' and spend some time with friends, but I suddenly don't seem to have any.
I'm very lonely.
I'm very isolated.
I'm running out of excuses not to go home today; my last tute finished at about 2:30, and have been doing a whole lot of nothing on the 'net since then (about two hours).
And now I'm typing because I don't want to stop.
Ah screw it.
BCNU
"You don't live in this reality, do you Helga?"
"Sorry what was that? I was thinking about my hundreds and hundreds of boyfriends."
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Mar 9, 2004
Go go gadget 'whoosh'
Posted Mar 7, 2004
Well I've had an interesting few weeks.
But since it's all been so emotionally draining I now lack enthusiasm to write about it, so I'm sorry to anyone who desperately wanted an update, but you're either going to have to ask me specific questions to drag the gory details out of me, or hope that I decide I'm ready to remember the pain of it again.
In brief though:
I've moved to Hamilton. I have no phone and no internet, but that's okay because the only person I want to call is Ambrese, and I can use the internet at uni.
I'm living by myself. It took me ages to decide I was finally stable enough to risk it.
I've started uni. Today is the first day of my second week. I think it will be fun.
My 'friends' have backstabbed me. I am now broke (again), alone (again), and bitter (again). There is nobody left here I can turn to.
I'm really, /really/, REALLY sick of the way that bad things happen to good people. I'm thoroughly sick of being a nice guy, and I'm thoroughly sick of being stood on.
Trying to look on the positive side: I have a councellors appointment in twenty minutes. It's free. Well... by 'free' I mean that I've already paid for it, but meh. Close enough.
And WINZ have decided they have their sh*t together this year and are going to start paying me the student allowance only a week late this time. It sure beats hel out of their previous record; only eleven weeks late. So at least I can keep up with rent payments, even though it won't cover food at all. But I'm used to living below the poverty line, so /that's/ okay.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Mar 7, 2004
More bitchy.....
Posted Feb 6, 2004
There is a blank screen in front of me, waiting to suck my words into space. All I feel is pressure. All I hear is static. All I smell is dirt. All I smell is worms.
I have needles in my eyes and a tube to my stomcah.
There must have been some ancestral memory that life was somehow different, or I wouldn't know how free I could be now.
I want to go home. This earth is taken. There is nothing here for me.
I woke up this morning, and my first thought was H2G2. I remember being pleased that for once I had had a nice dream - something involving a food fight with lots of laughing people - and that for once I could write something in my journal here that wasn't complaint about the texture of my life.
And then I realised my eyes were sewn together.
I had conjuctivitis.
I lay there for a while, trying not to let the stabbing pain of dried mucus affect me too much, while I planned my days' packing.
Got up, cleaned my eyes as best I could, had a shower, started packing.
Pulled my weapons out from under the bed (I was a medieval enactor for several years), wondered where my sword was, remembered I had moved it, went to get it from its new place, and realised it had been stolen. From inside my room.
Someone had come into our flat, in the pretext of being a friend, and had walked into my room and walked away with my sword.
In a very bad mood now, I went to have breakfast. Discovered that one flatmate had drunk almost all of my milk (straight from the container, too, which pissed me off more than anything else) and also noticed that another had thrown out my beer. Bear in mind that today is my first day off in thirteen days. There wasn't much of it, but I was looking forward to that beer.
I /hate/ going into town without breakfast, but I almost have no choice since I haven't got enough milk to last. Wander down to the local dairy, buy some milk, and decide to go the long way home, past the pharmacy to get something for my eyes, which now hurt like buggery.
Keep having to wipe away tears from my puffy, blood red eyes, which must have made me look like a pathetic freak to anyone oncoming. Get to the pharmacy, and it's closed. Thought it might have been, since today supposed to be a public holiday, so I'm not too worried, except there's no other pharmacy within a three-quarter hour walk from here.
Get home, have breakfast, Kristine calls. She's coming to Wellington, leaving in ten minutes. Cool. I'll get to see here a day earlier, but the downside is that she won't be able to pick up my key for the now place tomorrow, like we'd arranged. Never mind, that just means I'll have to store my stuff at her place for the weekend and move everything again on monday. I can live with that.
Packing, and then..... I don't know.
I had another mental breakdown.
Don't remember much, and only in snippets. My chronology is stuffed, too, so I don't know what order things happened in. I can guess though. For example, I'm guessing I went to see Ben to get some CDs off him (very forsightful of me!) /before/ I went to Abby's. Don't remember walking home though, but I do remember waiting for pizza at hell (yes that's a gourmet pizza store). Not sure how I paid for it, but I seem to have $80 in my pocket. I hope it's mine.
I remember crying.
I remember walking down the street, still crying.
I remember Chucky saying "I'm going to the servo. You want anything?" and thinking it was the nicest thing anyone had said to me all day.
I remember Abby making a point of not saying "How are you?"
I remember looking at the war memorial and thinking that it was a monumentaly ugly sybol toward the sacrifice that so many people made.
I think I remember huggin Julia. Not sure weather that actually happened, or wether that was a dream. The only place I could really have seen her was at Ben's place, and there's no way to subtly find out if she was actually there, now.
I've run out of words.
I had pizza. Pizza was good.
That was about the only thing that was good today.
My head is starting to clear now, and I can see that my flatmates invited a whole lot of people into our flat. I don't want them here. I want them to go to that gig they keep loudly inviting each other to.
None of them have invited me.
I wouldn't go anyway. But I want to be invited.
I want a family.
I want a home.
I want a friend.
I've just checked my phone and there are two messages on it. One is from Kris saying that they're having fun in whichever part of the counrty they're in, so they're stopping there for the night. They'll be in Wellington tomorrow.
I bet I've left before they get here.
I want a hug.
I haven't felt this bad since I took six month's worth of prozac with a bottle of whisky, and woke up in the middle of the bush, in winter, at 4am.
Today was supposed to be a good day, dammit.
This will probably be my last post for a while. There's no 'net connection at my new flat, and there probably won't be for a while. I'm sure I'll make random, irregular posts whenever I get the chance.
Goodbye.
Discuss this Journal entry [7]
Latest reply: Feb 6, 2004
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Jerms - a Brief flicker and then gone again.
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