h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Phase one: introspection.

Before I delve into the description of my patchwork weekend, I just want to answer myself, of the questions I asked in a post a few weeks ago (which is about to get shunted off my page by this new post).
I quote:
"I like my flatmates. Remind my why on earth I'm moving away next weekend? To Hamilton, of all places? Swamp city?
Apart from a handful of friends, and the fact that Hamilton is the only place in the country I can do an AI degree, I have no reason to go there. Here in Wellington I finally have a great flat with great flatmates, and a great group of friends around me. I have a tolerable job which pays the bills, and a tolerable social life also.
But here isn't where my future can be. I'm stagnating and I know it. I need some kind of intellectual stimulation; and some kind of emotional stimulation will be vital for me before too long, too.
I hope moving to Hamilton is the right thing to do. Even if it isn't, I won't be able to move back again easily. Although it will be /so/ much easier to find a place to stay, and a social group to fit into, if I ever come back again."

After the bullsh*t that's happened over the last couple of weeks, I'm wondering why I didn't loathe my (now ex-)flatmates from the start...

It's true that Hamilton is the only place in the country I can study AI, and that was the only reason I had for coming back here. (After discovering that most of my old friends had moved, or worse). At least I can now say that I definitely did the right thing in moving.

Great flat with great flatmates, and a great group of friends? I'm still shocked how quickly things can change. I still care about some of the ones left; Abby, Ben, Ngoc, Carley, Julia, Ilya and Siobhan. To some extent, Chucky, but... things have changed, and bridges have been burnt.

The intellectual stimulation is fantastic; another added bonus has been remembering how creative my doppelganger and I get when we're together. Very cool!
Still waiting for the emotional stimulation though... more on that later.

But I won't be going back to Wellington for a /very/ long time. If at all. Ilya might be the only one to tempt me that much. Abby, Ben, Ngoc, Carley, and Julia can probably all be convinced to come to Hamilton at some stage anyway.


Phase two: retrospection.

On friday I got bored and went into town. Fair enough. Caught up with Rachel, who is now pretty much 'with' Callum, whom I can tolerate... but we went to school together and I really don't see him being a close friend anytime soon. Or ever. He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but... there's a history there.
The interesting thing about the situation is Rachel's flirtatious protestations that they're not really 'together' and they have an open relationship. When she's drunk she'll come over to my place at 3am to 'talk' and seemingly to tease the hell out of me. But she "doesn't want to do anything while she's drunk, but I'd definitely be keen... just jump me while I'm more sober, okay?" Yeah right. When she's sober she's completely anti, and says she doesn't remember saying these things. Okay, so she's an /experienced/ tease then. Hell I'm not too cut up, but I'd be interested to know what her game is.
/Anyway/... she seems to have had a lot of fun on friday night, dragging some random guy onto the dance floor, in front of both Callum and I, flirting like buggery with the poor soul, getting a drink or two out of him, and basically attempting to make us feel used/abused/discarded... whatever. Unfortunately for her neither Callum or I could really give a rat's *ss about her immature manipulations, but, again, it just leaves up both going: "Um... whut?"

Also on friday night I caught up with Nicky, a friend I've known for several years. She's an interesting character, and I mean that in both a good and a bad way.
Long story short, I took her home. That was nice. Although it's left me with some unresolved internal conflicts I'm going to have to deal with, I'm not going to go into the details here. This forum is too public.

Saturday, I walked Nicky part way home, went to the supermarket (Damn I'm broke again!), got home and got a text from Rachel and Callum asking if they could come over and go through some sword training with me. So we did that. Rachel's a very slow learner, but I've taught worse, and it was a nice distraction to try to mesh my teaching style with Callum's without overriding his authority (because I'm /heaps/ more experienced than he is). It started to get dark, we went inside and watched Donny Darco. It's still good. I could have been really awkward with Callum being in an amourous mood, but again since I don't have much of an emotional attachment left with Rachel, it's all good.
Remembered that I /really/ love the last song on the movie, and was hugely impressed to discover that I had the MP3 of it (Just - Mad world) Rachel and Callum left, I cooked dinner, got a text from Sophie saying "I'm bored. Come over and see my new house?" So I did. It was about 10:30 by the time I got there. Hung out, had a laugh, went home again. Got home about 1am. Was thinking about going into town again, but decided just to sleep instead.

Got woken up at about 12pm by Callum calling me, to confirm that I was coming to weaponstraining. I said yes, to which he replied "Good. We're turning onto your street now. We'll see you in one minute."
I usually don't like having to wake up fast, but I did okay. Caffeine helped.
Training was at Animal's house. It was fun. And tiring.
I got home again at about 4, 4:30pm. Had some lunch, remembered that Jeremy and I had been hoping to catch up sometime in the weekend, so I sent him a text. He replied, I moseyed over, and got there just as he was ready to leave, to walk down to the bottle store. Who was I to complain? So I walked there with him, and he bought bourbon.
mmmbourbon.
Walked back to his place, designed some fun stuff, decided to play playstation, got a text from Kris asking if she could come over, walked back to my place, met Kris, picked up playstation, got a text from Rachel asking if she could come over to borrow some uni notes, Rachel came over, got notes, and gave Jeremy, Kris and I a lift back to Jeremy's place, stopping off at the video store to hire some games on the way. And then Rachel went home again.
We drank some bourbon, and the three of us designed some wings and a landscaped fountain. We set up the playstation, and discovered my playstation's bung. Damn. Went back to the video store, hired a playstation as well, and Kris went on to her home. Jeremy and I pretty much spent the rest of the night drinking, playing playstation, drinking, designing stuff, drinking, and playing more playstation.
It was fun.
Got home at 2am monday morning, and wanted to do it all over again.

It's so much nicer to be around other people, who enjoy my company.


To make this post even longer, I have to question my own motives in posting such a long entry. Although 99% of what I write is for my own use, I could have reminded myself of all of these events with only 1/10th the number of words. So why do I write so much?
I'm reminded of Ambrese telling me of a sociological phenomona in Toronto; aparrantly people there feel so isolated from their idea of a larger community that people will happily tell their entire life history to a complete stranger in a bar. I'm told it happens quite a lot there.
Am I doing the same thing? Am I now feeling so isolated that I'm complelled to communicate the meagrest details of my existence because I somehow mistakenly feel like this web page /cares/?
If I felt I was posting /to/ a group of people rather than a page for legacy, this might be a different situation.

PS (while I think about it,) Ambrese has asked me yet again to get a LiveJournal account. The only decent reason I would have for doing that over any other communication method is so that I can share 'Private posts' with her.
Although the emotional and sexual possibilities of that feature are /extremely/ tempting, I'm still hesitant, for many reasons. Apart from the fact it seems like a bit of a waste to get an LJ account specifically for that one feature, when in all reality we could just e-mail each other, I'm also not sure if it would be healthy for me to develop more of an attachment to someone I miss so strongly and is so far away. If our attraction becomes an imperative force then by the time I get to Toronto it could well have blown past the proportion of reality. If I get there and discover that one or both of us /have/ changed to the point where we're not as compatible as we used to be, or as compatible as we'd like to be, then that could mean the dashing of my last great hope in life.
Conversely, though, I definitely don't want to hold back, only to discover later that I've slowed or damaged the development of something which was, in fact, very real and beautiful.

Conclusion: Women lead to conflict, both internal and external. If this trend continues for me, I might have to try homosexuality. Even just for a while, so I'm able to compare the deeper aspects.
Then again, perhaps not. Males are just too darn lumpy.

Glad you're feeling better, Jerms... oh, and don't forget to keep me posted about your AI music project. By the way, thought you might be interested in this: F135418?thread=394681

Thanks!

hi??

Hello!
I haven't seen you for a while. Anything new been happening?

hi sweets!!

nowt as usual, jus same work and feeling y all time

Awww.
Sounds you need a new hobby my dear.
Something fun to distract you occasionally.

Have you designed or made any new clothes recently?

i dont wana hobby, i want and life and a........ dont matter *cries hugely*


no

Hugs babe.
Life /is/ a series of loosely-linked
distractions, one after another.
Distractions are so much better
when they're fun, but I'm
having issues with that
at the moment too.
Nothing seems very much fun
to me, any more.
I want to know how your sentence was going to end.

Sing with me?

it was gonna end with summat u wudnt like wat i will defo do very soon, YaYY

Ohhhh 'kay.
Have a hug, babe. Just 'coz it's a spare hug for a good cause.

I'll be back later; got a meeting to go to.
mmmwah!

no taaa....

i wont be exitsant much longer anyway cos wat im doing very soon

bye for good prob

Awww
I don't know what to say babe.
I'd miss you.

well........

either way spose ud have to deal with it

I don't want to have to deal with it; I enjoy your company and I'd like to keep it.

I want to tell you that you shouldn't kill yourself, but I really don't know your situation well enough. I'm sure there are ways and means to get around this, and I'm sure you can have a happy life, with some help, but I just don't know.
And anything I say at this point would be for purely selfish reasons 'coz I like you.

hunny ive never had a happy life, its doesnt get better at all, jus worse

i have no friends (where i am), no social life, no bf, nothing *cry*

I understand.
I've never enjoyed my life much either.
I've been shot at more times than I've had close friends, and I've always felt alone since my parents disowned my siblings when I was three.
I use my uni studies to pretend I have a social life, but I don't. I haven't had a girlfriend for about two years, and my relationships don't last because I'm broken and need fixing too.

I know generally how you feel, which is why I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't kill yourself. The only reason I'm not dead is because I don't know that it would make anything better, and I don't think it would. But if you were to die, it would make things much worse for me, because I would miss you.
I've learnt, though, that the only way to make my life better from the inside, is to change the way I see things.
I know it sounds cliched and horrible to say that 'it's up to you', and 'it's just a matter of perspective', and those horrible sentences (usually said by someone who has no clue about me or my life) don't work for me. But I do know that life can simply be a series of distractions, if you want it to be. Find something fun to fill up your time and you'll have less time to think about how crappy your life is. It may not actually change anything, but it helps me to feel better.
That's why I'm at university right now. It's a distraction, to stop me thinking about my crappy life. And it works.
I hope you can find something similar babe. That's why I was asking if you'd made any new clothes. You seem to enjoy making them, right?
Snuggles.
J.


"When passion's lost / and all the trust is gone / way too far / for way too long; /
children crying / cast out and neglected / only in a world so cold / only in a world this cold /
hold the hand / of your best friend / look into their eyes / then watch them drift away /
some might say / we've done the wrong things / for way too long / way too long..."
- Mudvayne, a world so cold.

there isnt nothing hun, no matter wat i did ill always feel crap and sucidal which i hope ill do soon...... it be for best

clairey *sheds tear*

*nods* I understand