h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Winkie? WINKIE!!!! NOOOOOO!!!

*Runs to shore, hands clenched to forehead*

You horrible, horrible man!!!!!! Winkie's GONE!!!

*hyperventilates, then recovers and looks up with small, red pupils*

Well, you know what, I have BREAD! That's right, bread, and YOU ARE NOT GETTING IT!!

*Removes bread from pocket while beginning to cry*

I wanted...wanted all of us to have some bread for, for it to be special. I was hiding it until we were really hungry, as it would only taste better. I even had some saved for...Win-Winki---*runs away, sobbing ands stuffing bread into mouth*

Furtively passes Fenchurch M etc some succulent cockroaches in exchange for hot-buttered bread. Joins ever-widening search for Winkie.

Sheesh, some people are so emotional.

Wait, I feel a tug on my vest string. Let's reel it in.

*Bedraggled elderly lady gets dragged out of the sea clinging on to the vest string which is securely attached to Winkie and a signed loaf of bread in a waterproof breadbin.*

"I claim my prize and I'll sue anyone who won't give it to me!" she shrieks.

Great - gimme the loaf!

The guy over there with the cockroaches will tell you about the prize.

And could you return winkie to the person with the little red eyes who still hasn't given me a fishy.

Right Kwitchawingin all of you.

We can't start fighting now. We must work together to help survie our stay on this island. Lord knows when we will get off this island.

If you start fighting now, we will lose all the energy to finish the house. Which looks very nice, but the essentuals like toilet, hot running water, garbage disposal unit are not ready.

Also as for food, we should take rosters in finding any food, and those found hoarding will lose rations for the week. We must be tough, but fair on each other to survive this.

So as a jesture of good will, I will hand over my vegemite jar. *reaches for jar*

*Gets really angry* RIGHT WHO STOLE MY VEGEMITE. YOU CAN ALL FIND A NEW LEADER. I QUIT.

(Helps fenchurch get the brine off Wink by hauling water from the stream/pool in a tortoise shell she found. Yes, the tortoise is pretty pissed off.)

Hmmmm...we should be able to stain the pearls lots of different colors with the local plant life. Those red flowers over there might do for the reds...hmmm...

Now we need a pool table. Anyone know how to tan hide? This tortoise is just about the right shade of green if we want to use him... And he's already pissed off...

Thank you, Grey. Now look what you all have done, driving Garibaldi off like that. You're all crazy, I tell you... right Winkie?

Sheesh, it's like I'm the only sane one around here.

Now *sentimental memory music from soap opera comes on in background* who will... recite obnoxious poetry, or sing in the worst way...or provide us with vegemite or give us wonderful presents? *music stops abruptly as Fenchurch screams*

THE TURTLE IS ATTACKING ME!!! I can't believe this... *turtle is slowly gnawing on Fen.'s lower leg*

*wacking the turtle frantically with its own shell*

Hey...HEY!!! Someone help us!!! *should be able to thwack it once hard enough to let Fenny get away* HELP!!

Wow, good Winkie!

*looks at tag on Winkie*

Do Not (ow) Remove this Tag.

*looks at other side of tag*

Mighty Morphin (ow) Towel... hmm... look, it's (ow) supposed to do something special (ow) when you yell....

Winkie- Transformize!

*suddenly, Winkie flies out of Fencurch's hands, morphs into a small flying badger, and attacks the turtle, tearing it away from Fenny's leg*

Okay, that was a little scary.

While everyone is asleep, Garibaldi wonders off, but leaves a note.

To whom it may concern,

I have left the group as I can no longer stand such a dysfunctional group. I can only see that if I go and start my own house, then I could be care free for the rest of my life.

No one has ever loved my poetry, or my singing, and well the presents, ha more fool them as they were from the $2 shop.

Oh, don't come looking for me. And those foot prints in the sand leading north will not be mine.

Regards
Garibaldi

Good. That's him gone.

Finds a quiet corner and opens jar of vegemite. It's mine.... heh heh heh (and other various Dick Dastardly type chuckle effects). It's all miiiiinnnnneeeee....

Now... if I could just find someone with some bread and do some kind of a deal...

From a distant attol comes the plaintif plea Help Me Rhonda, Help Me Rhonda, Help me....Hi Ron

A wholoe loaf to myself!
*stuffs seven slices of dry bread in mouth*
Ptooieee, this stuff is really boring without brown sticky, salty goo on it. Where on earth can I find some.

Has anyone seen Garibaldi? He used to have some stuff like that. Right I'm gonna search him out - no matter the danger. My scratch and sniff vest will protect me and I'll take this nuclear powered government surplus bazooka type thing I found near to that sign with a skull and crossbones and the word ACHTUNG written on it.

*Wakes up hours later*

Hmm... hey, where's the Aussie and the guy that almost killed Winkie? Look- it's a note... and hey! Someone stole the top secret nuclear weapon I found - *tsk tsk tsk* such troublemakers...

*shuffles sleepily over and shakes Grey* Hey, I think we're going to have to change the plans for all those rooms...

*turns around, still a bit in the waking-up mode and groggy as to be expected*

But that's a bit interesting, the Beach Boys are surfing, with their instruments and everything... weren't some of them dead or something?

*rubs eyes*

And look- they're surfing on top of a tsunami that's coming straight for us. How silly.

*giggles to self, then lies back down as she has decided it's not time to wake up yet*

18 hours on the walk, and no sign of civilisation. Might turn back. Considering I have no vegemite, thanks to whoever stole it. I have also run out of bread to leave for a trail. I have no fresh water. Saw a creek 5 hours ago, but there was a dead sheep in it. Being smart and all that, I guess there is some form of civilisation around.

Hmm, what's that large roaring sound I keep hearing? Well I will soon find out anyway.

Hang on, I am coming to a clearing. There seems to be a a building. Let me find my binoculars.

Ah, it's a hotel of some type. Seems to be a bit of activity there. Oh, and there is a flag flying, not sure what country that has a rainbow flag, but I guess we... did I say we, I think I better go back to the group, I miss them.

A scorch of Galipogas Island dragons gather. Attack prep goes well. Alas their best killers are absent.

Tum-te-tum.
That Baldy Gary bloke can't be far off. Looks like rain. I'd have left a bread trail if I could stop eating the bread. I'm saving the last slice to have that brown goo on. Can I hear the Beach Boys? What's that funny rumbling sound?

Let's have a look at this bazooka thing.
*reads very slowly* LIGHT THE BLUE TOUCH PAPER AND RETIRE TO A SAFE DISTANCE (MIN 100 MILES)

I'm too young to retire. And I haven't got any matches.

100 mile long convoy of angry retreaded tyres circles island, smoldering injustices build up

*Stumbles breathless on to the scene* Flee! Flee! Vestboy, I think Evil Giraffe is coming this way, and our powers a useless here! *Stumbles breathless out of the scene with a terrified giggle*

*scratches head, removes splinter from finger, picks nose, looks at sky, eats last piece of bread*