Journal Entries
A message from Njan..
Posted Oct 6, 2002
This is Ddychweledig writing for Njan, as he is currently housed in a building with no oppertunity to get online 
...!!
He went down to Southampton with his father yesterday (Saturday) and he is sharing a room with a french student until further notice ("5 to 6 weeks, hopefully sooner").
I sent everyone his love and said we were all thinking about him.
He would like to inform Nyssa that he has the loudest speakers in the building 
, however he seemed so pleased that I thought I'd tell all journal readers 
.
xx
xx
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Latest reply: Oct 6, 2002
Aha!!...
Posted Oct 2, 2002
...whichever of the people I live with bought this container of olives and feta cheese is a fool! (even more of a fool if they're thinking they'll still be there in the morning)...
If there's one thing about me that's constant, it's that if there are olives, I'll eat them. *eats*. 
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Latest reply: Oct 2, 2002
following the pattern of the night...
Posted Oct 1, 2002
...
Discuss this Journal entry [21]
Latest reply: Oct 1, 2002
...found my mind in a brown paper bag...
Posted Sep 28, 2002
I recently got off the phone, where I was informed by a friend of mine that that in reply to my journal entry, lisa has "nothing to say".
This is, of course, a lovely sentiment, but try as I have to refrain from bitchiness so far, it must be pointed out that the journal entry wasn't directed at, concerned with, or talking about her other than by nature of the fact that she constituted a considerable part of my life up until earlier this year.
Any emotions now held by me, therefore, have nothing whatsoever to do with her (other than by nature of the fact that the way in which I react emotionally is shaped by what I've done hitherto in my life), and as such, I had no expectation of her having anything to say to me, since I have little or nothing to say to her: positive things whilst I still feel for her, and positive as my intentions were, my life has progressed considerably (let me emphasise this) since earlier this year, and - further to this - it has progressed in a manner which hasn't simply constituted my reinventing myself to get around something which was evidently little concern to me.
In addition, and from the abusive, upsetting, and insulting phonecalls which I've received from members of her family, some people evidently still have things to say to me, and if only people who dislike me followed lisa's example and left h2g2, not pausing to read and react to journal entries, and not replying in reaction to journal entries she hasn't read (pausing, carefully, to pass on the message that material she hasn't read, she has no reaction to), I have no doubt whatsoever that my life would be much happier.
thankyou for your attention.. my year's bitchiness has now been vented, and we return you to your regularly scheduled neuroticness. 
On the bright side, I'm off to university next week. (although I'm going to miss... uhh... well, suz, since I can take everything else with me 
) Messed around as I've been by the accomodation department, I'm hoping that wherever I stay (be it a hotel, temporary accomodation, or my holy grail of actual accomodation), I'll be happy. 
.. anyway.. yes. I think this is my first actual journal entry for a long time, so .. *tries to think of an ending*.. so.. the dude abides. (No, that made no sense at all, it's not just you).
xxx
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Latest reply: Sep 28, 2002
Late on a Saturday evening
Posted Sep 22, 2002
I don't quite know where to begin. I write so little that when I finally do get around to writing, I have so much to say - and so little to build on - that I end up writing very pretentious-sounding essays about myself, and this particular piece of quasi-philosophical wisdom has been long-coming (at least as for the last few days) and redrafted in my mind several times. The positive aspects of finally formalising thought, I'm rationalising to myself, include the one shining fact that whatever I write, it is, in fact, unlikely to be read (or, if read, taken seriously) by anyone at all.
On the other hand, I - yet again - get the feeling that I'm attention seeking, which adds insult to injury with regard to everything I already feel. So if at any point anyone who DOES read this thinks I'm attention seeking, then they're quite free to stop reading.
Now old enough to be starting university, what I have to write about goes back almost a decade, at which point, quite unfairly (because, all other things being equal, I shouldn't have had any problems in life at all, really), I contented myself to start causing problems for myself (because I can hardly see that anyone else such as myself has major problems at such a young age without causing them for themself). I managed to induce my classmates, the rest of my year, and finally the rest of the school I was at to make me subject to some fairly serious abuse (most of which I almost certainly deserved), after several years of which (and more than a handful of broken bones, scars, and injuries; the phrase 'if this is what I look like on the outside, imagine what I look like on the outside' comes to mind) I escaped to another school, to neatly summarise 4 years of my life in one neat paragraph.
If I thought that I'd got around my self-caused problems, I was wrong, because - being who I am - in the 6 years intervening I've progressively caused more and more problems for myself, and dropped myself deeper and deeper into a cycle of depression, it seems in retrospect, the further I've gone. Without wanting to dwell on what is, of course, exceptionally boring, egocentric, and self-serving, I've managed to recreate for myself the subjective abuse I suffered in previous years (on a smaller scale), not to mention get myself into a set of intertwining relationships in the last 3 years which have managed to let me hurt not only myself but other people but to say the least.
As I've progressively tried to escape from the people who I induced to treat me in a way which I almost certainly wholly deserved (many of whom followed my path from one school to another, all of whom have maintained admirably constant attitudes towards me), I've spent more and more time on computers, adding to my problems and giving me a dependency to boot. It is, perhaps, fitting that I now find myself almost unable to express in a form even approaching coherence without first being able to collect my thoughts in a manner akin to how I do so online, and this serves as an explanation for why I'm writing this here.
Over the last two years, as far as anyone who'll be reading this is concerned (and at this point, for an unknown reason, I'm making the conscious decision to write for an audience I don't have), most conspicuously, I've been in a relationship of varying proportions with Lisa (U50758) in which, as I've said, I managed to hurt people other than myself. For more reasons unknown to me, and through intentions which seemed to me to be good, I tried as best I could to be as supportive as I could, and - in doing so - started more prominently than ever before to sideline how I felt. Sadly, this (twice) resulted in my breaking up the relationship, the first time at a slightly less destructive stage, as far as I can see, than the second. My motives the first time around remain a mystery, but after months of agonising, my only reasons for doing so the latter time around were that after having sidelined almost everything I thought and felt for almost 8 months I would have ended up otherwise causing far more hurt to others than I've ended up doing.
My mental state before, through, and after this - which branches into the reason for my writing - has become markedly muddled and confused but to choose the sparsest of adjectives. From being (from what I can see) manically depressed for the best part of a decade, I've shifted into having a set of moods (or elsewise have noticed or exaserpated the same moods) which conform to those of a normal person in virtually no degree whatsoever, and have a range of qualities (mental, personality-related, and social) which are, to understate the fact, off-beam.
To summarise, simplify, and condense, I have a markedly unstable sense of reality which seems to change when nudged by the strangest (and least well-defined) of (seemingly random) factors, and moodwise, I'm very unstable (and spent a good deal of my time simply trying to wrap my mind around how I feel without even connecting to the world around me). Partly as a result of how I feel and how my mind has increasingly started working and partly as a result of the relationships which I've been in (that with lisa, and that which occupied me in the months of june, july and august, which hit me harder than the reaction which ensued to my break-up with lisa) other elements of my perception (most notably my sense of trust) have become markedly twisted.
Variously, over the course of the last two hours, I've progressed through a highlighted spectrum of moods flowing through from a caffienated state in which my mind was wrapped up numbly (but relatively contently), melting into a quite severe sense of hopelessness and despair to simple overwhelming regret, the gaps in between being equally unpleasant. I’ve spent a good length of time staring at walls, a good length of time crying with little idea of what for, and a good length of time thinking other assorted unhealthy things. I only wish I could say that this were an out of the ordinary day. One thing which perpetually adds to my anguish is the simple fact that however I feel, in progressing to more and more unpleasant states of mind, I end up feeling like the boy who cried wolf, every time feeling worse than that before, and running out of words to express what I feel.
As always, I apologise for those affected by me both this evening and at other points in my life, and hope that my mind's inability to maintain any coherent sense of personality, aspect, feeling, emotion, or philosophy will at the least cease to affect those around me.
Again, apologies to all those who I've hurt. Pray that I cease to trouble the world soon.
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Latest reply: Sep 22, 2002
njan (afh)
Researcher U47349
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