h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yes - sand, horse hair, wool and Pritt stick. Plus a touch of Germolene to give it that lovely pink colour. But it's a closely guarded secret, so don't tell anyone.

So how do they get the texture of loft insulation?

It's all done in the special machine. Funnily enough, that's also what loft insulation is made of (without the Germolene, obviously).

ohhhhhh - so where does the glass come into it then?

Not sure about that... it must be something to do with the sand. Lovely biscuits, by the way.

Yes handmade - help yourself to more bickies and more tea of course...... my home page is at your disposal. Cucumber sandwich?

That's very kind, but I really should be going... 5pm rush and all that. Same time tomorrow? I'll bring some of my mum's chocolate cake.

Fantastic - see ya then. Have a good evening!

Morning, Mrs Thing - slice of cake?

mmmm yes please - I must say that is one of the most spectacular cakes I have ever seen!

Thank you. Yes, it is quite spectacular, isn't it? Chocolate sponge, filled with chocolate cream, with a chocolate topping, and chocolate decorations made from real chocolate hand-carved into the shape of very small bars of chocolate. I've put on half a stone just looking at it.

It must have taken ages for your Mum to get those chocolate bars just right... just a small piece for me. It is the sort of thing that Vanessa Feltz must have wet dreams about.

"I dreamed I was eating an enormous chocolate cake, and when I woke up, the entire house was missing" - V Feltz.

Now then....... what were we talking about?

hmmmmm - I am sure this is illegal in several religious states but it is very good.

we were debating the essential ingredients of the sea side holiday and Blackpool's unrivalled status as the Tat Capital of the World.

Oh yes. Wasn't it Henry VIII who said "Bugger Bognor?" No, probably not. It might have been Sir David Frost. Anyway, whoever it was, he obviously couldn't find a decent Kiss Me Quick hat or vaguely obscene T-shirt anywhere, and undoubtedly went to Blackpool the following year.

I think it was Edward VII - it was him who gave it the Regis you see. Oh yes whoever it was was on his deathbed and he had been sent to Bognor in the hope that the sea air would give him a new lease of life. But you are right - if he had gone to Blackpool in the first place none of this would have ever happened.

If he'd gone to Blackpool, a ride on The Big One would have finished him off once and for all.

I hear that is how the Queen Mother intends to go - for her 100th birthday she wants a ride on all the roller coasters in the country.

That would be nice... then she'd go for some fish and chips, and choke on a bone, as usual.

I wonder what it will be like when she does finally peg it....... Now Fish and Chips - it is an indisputable fact that you cannot get decent F&C in London. What is it like with you?