Britney Spears in health shocker
Posted Feb 1, 2002
Britney Spears refuses to admit to dumping her now infamous virginity - but nevertheless feels curiously qualified to tell us: "Eating chocolate, for me, is just like an orgasm."
I fear we can only conclude that the poor girl is at grave risk of going blind.
A big night at the cricket
Posted Jan 30, 2002
The NZ-Aus cricket game in Melbourne on Tuesday (29/1/02) certainly got the press on both sides of the Tasman in a tissy.
In New Zealand there are red faces at the Christchurch Press over an overly optimistic cricket headline.
The paper's early edition obviously went to print before Australian batsman Michael Bevan saved his team from what looked like certain defeat in the day-nighter against New Zealand.
The headline in the sports section screamed "Black Caps stretch winning streak to five straight over the world champs".
The front page was slightly more modest, suggesting a likely win.
But as we all know now, Bevan's 102 not out helped his side to a stunning two-wicket win over New Zealand.
In Australia, they got "MIRACLE" in metre high print and a double page spread!
Well at least they had the good grace to admit the Aussie team needed divine intervention!
God says: Beeeevvvvvaaaaannnn, I have chosen you to be the saviour of your people. Stand up! Take off that helmet you sissy! Get out there and show the evil ones from across the Tasman who the real he-men are in the Pacific!"
Drooping in the Rain
Posted Jan 19, 2002
Talking about falling down, here in Godzone some of us are "drooping in the rain".
One of the most famous weather songs of all is Summer Rain. You may need a quick refresher on the lyrics - it's all about a love affair. "Summer rain taps at my window, west wind soft as a sweet dream, my love warm as the sunshine . . ." Likewise the Lovin' Spoonful's Rain on the Roof. There they're all caught up in a summer shower and probably having a snog.
Well, sorry, but there"s nothing romantic about this summer in New Zealand. Lyricists may imagine soft dew-like sprays through which one can run in diaphanous muslin over the sand. But we do it differently down here. We do torrential. Stinking mud, drowning sheep, rotting crops, running mascara. Day after day after lousy day. Rain has fallen in most areas almost every day since early October. Auckland has had the most rainy days in summer for at least 25 years in some places - in the wettest area it rained on 39 out of 47 days since December 1.
Pity the tourism operators - what visitor in his right mind would give us a second chance? - pity the house painters, pity the holidaymakers, the fruit growers and the holidaying schoolkids. But the effect is more insidious and widespread. It can he no coincidence that the formerly Scrooge-like health funding agency Pharmac is considering subsidising the impotence drug Viagra after a summer like this one. Rain, it appears, is not the only thing falling.
Perhaps Eric Clapton was closer to the mark with his take, Black Summer Rain. "Where is the sun, The sun that used to shine on me, Where has it gone, Or is it just a memory."
Posted Jan 5, 2002
Freddy Heineken, who made the Dutch beer of the same name one of the most popular in the world, died yesterday in the Netherlands. He was 78. The former head of the world's third biggest brewer died "in peace" at his house in Noordwijk. Alfred Henry Heineken is survived by his wife, his daughter, his son-in-law and five grandchildren. The majority stake in the company will remain in the family.
Posted Dec 7, 2001
I am pleased to report that I survived seven weeks spent amongst the man-eating flora and fauna of New Zealand's West Island, Australia.