h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Civilisation isn't about to end but gay, illegal immigrants will undermine the value of your house.

yes and they are living right next doot to you - harbouring Labour supporters and benefit scroungers.

I'm not sure anybody is living next door to me, unless they are being smuggled and hidden under the floorboards.

Under the floorboards?

They must be Austrians, Mac.

As any Daily Mail reader knows if there'sone thing worse than gay, illegal immigrants it's gay, illegal, Austrian immigrants who keep family members under the floor and....worst of all....speak German.

What do I do? Go round and try to educate them and get dragged down with them or stay away and then get the blame for not doing anything to stop their rise to supremacy?

Stay away, Mac.

The Daily Mail will blame you for everything, especially when house prices reach 5p each, but nobody takes anything the Daily Mail says seriously anyway.

Sounds good Jack, I'd best get some KFC in. Nobody can blame me for not taking notice of what was going on in the street then

KFC is always a good idea.

I had been thinking about having some today but I have gammon that needs eating.

You like gammon?

It's been a hell of a long time since I had gammon.

I always liked it but it seems to have slipped off the radar somewhat. Probably because I'm the only one in the house that likes it.

There are advantages to being single and childless. Like you get to eat whatever you want. Like you get to come and go whenever you want. Like you're not broke all the time. Like you're not falling over bloody sylvanian hotels all the time. Like you don't have to help people with their homework all the time.

What kind of debauched house do you live in where you have no gammon and homework

I quite like gammon steak - its a bit like pork chops where you forget about them and then you get a notion for them.

But I don't like homework - maybe because its all in Irish and I have not the faintest idea where to begin

They go to an Irish-speaking school?

That gets you out of homework duties then. Wish I'd thought of that.

Yesterday I was showing one of them how to do geometry.

But, on the credit side, I got 'excellent' for the project I did on Picasso.

Stoopid projects. The teachers surely know that the parents tell the kids what to write. They're marking the parents really. I bet they always have a laugh at that in the staff room.

Jack, you're right about all those advantages. So remind me, why aren't you doing anything of those things?

Then again, if the Frankie Cocozza ribute act every properly gets off the ground...

yes they go to an Irish speaking school - and they have tick culchie accents on them so they have bats and brush deir teet

Although they both swear like drunken sailors - cant think where they got from

Never knew you were a sailor, PSD.

Mac, sometimes you make a decision in your life that leads to you losing all or most of your advantages.

I made that decision.

All I'm saying Mac, is this: Use contraception.

Will do Jack. Double enforced contraception?

And PSD, gammon is one of those meats that is fine whether it is grilled or fried.

To be sure, to be sure, Mac.

Yeah I like it grilled with grilled pineapple rings and mash

Already have my dinner sorted or would have gone for Gammon Steak

That truck of wine isn't going to be drunk by itself.

Jack, good stuff.