h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Just thinking about your previous question Mac.

Why aren't the oceans made out of beer?

If only....

One thing it proves: If there is a God he's a complete idiot.

Exactly Jack, if we happened to be Gods creating a different world, we'd do a damn sight better job of it than this one did.

Precisely, Mac.

What's the point of being omnipotent if you're an idiot as well?

We'd create the perfect world. Everybody would live in peace and harmony, the oceans would be made out of beer, Phil Collins' parents would never have met each other, poverty wouldn't have to be eradicated because it would never have existed, it would only rain when people are indoors, everybody would have a robot butler and Arsenal would win the Premier League and Champions League every season.

What about taxi drivers? They can exist but we'd make it so they could never talk to you about irrelevant things?

Jack, let's win the quadruple every season. And the Emirates Cup.

Direct teleporting from the pub to your home.

Good thinking, Mac.

And don't forget the World Club Championship.

It's a quintuplet every season. Plus the Emirates Cup.

Beaming up into the pub is a good idea.

I was also going to suggest beaming into work in the morning but there's no place for a concept like work in our new panacea.

And I'm thinking about a tall, blonde, leggy, brewery-owning Scandinavian girlfriend for each of us.

Sounds pretty good Jack. And by everyone, you just mean us two right?



And Jack, exactly there wouldn't need to be work as we can just make whatever we want to happen, happen. No need for money then either.

Omnipotent people don't need work or money, Mac.

And actually, I meant everybody would have a Scandinavian blonde.

But ours would be slightly taller, slightly leggier, slightly blonder and slightly better looking than everybody else's.

And her brewery would make slightly better beer.

Ah good, that'll do. An upgrade they all want to attain but can't ever actually get to.

Well, I figure there has to be some benefit accruing to us for all our work in setting up the ideal world.

We spent all our time creating the perfect word, the least we can do is give ourselves a few erm, perks. They will understand, I am sure.

Oh and all restaurants must stack a Classic. Actually, any shop.

Damn right.

Classics will be available at all times. Good ones too. There will be no idiots spoiling classics by putting tomatoes on them.

Could we just do away with tomatoes all together?

Good point, Mac. I think we will.

Bloody pointless, soggy foodstuff anyway.

I'm really liking our proposed creation. Just leaving out tomatoes and Phil Collins alone is a huge improvement to start with.

And you know who else's parents will never meet? Bono. That's who.

And Ronan's.

And Chris Martin's.

We can't have a world in which a singer whose only contribution to society is a dramatic increase in tedium somehow lands himself a Hollywood star.

True Jack, it essentially rewards mundane people. And then they have stupid name for a child too.

I think we need a hard and fast rule here.

If you're the kind of idiot who gives your kids stupid names in this universe your parents will never bump into each other in our new, improved universe.

Agreed?

I think that's one of our better rulings quite honestly Jack.

I think so, Mac.

But the parents-never-meeting rule should be extended to other people too.

For instance.....

People on the first floor who use the lift.
People who manufacture peanut butter KitKats.
Louis Walsh.
Anybody who has stopped me in the street and tried to persuade me to make monthly contributions to charity.
John Terry.
That bloke out of Westlife. Not sure what his name is. Let's just say all of them.
Ashley Cole.
Cheryl Cole.
The person who commissioned Eastenders.


I could go on. But you get the general idea.

It's going to be a fairly extensive list Jack when you think of all the people we have had a go at across all the various forums.