h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Mith Thwiv

I hope you don't me athking, but have you theen the Plathtithine? You know, the remainth of Pingu? It wath in another Converthation. Have you finithed with it, pleathe? If tho, may I take it?

I need it becauthe I'm very thmall without it. It'th the retht of my corporeal thubthtance, tho to thpeak. I'm thuppothed to be thomebody'th Nemethith, but I don't theem to be thcaring anyone and I thuthpect it'th becauthe I'm a bit unimprethive thithe-withe.

Ooh, I'm thorry. You got all wet. Don't worry, it'th only whale-thpit...

Love and Kithes,

Orchid xxx

*pulls chain out of folds of cloth around neck. looks at the blob on the end*

dear Orchid, I suppose you may have the plasticine back if you so really desire. It's in a bit of a state I is afraid. Or would you like me to clean it up and return it to the quest?

Mith Swivth

hello swiv!
WHy the wizard of harry potter?? [plus do you know when the next ones out??] [plus do you mean LOTR ]
fwT

Dear Mith Thwiv

Thank you for your nithe letter, but I thee that more ek-thplanathion ith required. Here'th an umbrella; you might need thith.

I'm a Killer Whale. Yeth, I know I'm too thmall (around ninety thentimetreth nothe to fluketh, if you want to be prethithe). The reathon for thith ith that there wath thome of me mithing when I wath fathioned. I wath originally thuppothed to get Thergeant Muth-room to preth that famouth button; that'th when Pinniped thought he wath a dog. It wath him who made me, in hith thecret laboratory. Being a theal, he thinkth the motht dangerouth kind of monther pothible ith a Killer Whale, you thee? Now, Pinniped had thome thpare plathtithine, that uthed to be Pingu, only GoldThpeech had rendered Pingu thort of amorphouth. Mitheth Coleridge, who'th an albatroth, tried to thtop him - that'th Pinniped, I mean, not GoldThpeech, or Pingu, or anybody elthe...

I'm not confuthing you, am I? I'm thorry. I'll thtart again if you like. No?

...OK. Tho Mitheth C thtole what wath left of Pingu to thtop Pinniped, and thubthituted thome other plathtithine, exthept there wath'nt very much of it, and tho I came out too thmall to be a proper Nemethith. I lived in the Thergeant'th cupboard for a while, being generally winthome, but it wathn't really a thuitable plathe for a Thetathean, tho I ethcaped. At the thame time, Mitheth Coleridge wath trying to get Pingu dithpothed of in the Crackth of Damp uthing thith Quetht ruthe...

...Yeth. Quetht ruthe. I thought that wath the part of the thtory you knew about. Yeth, that Quetht! And ruthe, ath in trick or dethepthion. Hel-lo-o? May I protheed? OK, I'll try thpeak thlowly...

You see, it wath only becauthe of the Roth Island Dependenthy Touritht Board and it'th mithreprethentathionth that we all thought Pingu wath evil in the firtht place, and tho really it wouldn't matter if little Orchid wath to uthe him to bulk herthelf up a bit.

You muthn't give the Plathtithine back to Pinniped, becauthe he keepth calling it his Prethious, and acting thort of fith-y...

...Yeah, fith-y. You know, thilvery thingth that thwim in the thea. OK?...

...And you muthn't return the Plathithine to the other Converthation either, becauthe that Withard Mithter Legion might get hold of it. He'th the whole cauthe of the crithith. Hith friendth are trying to th-yoot the albatroth...

...Yeth, th-yoot. Like, BANG, with a gun? (Athide : I alwayth thought Elveth were thmarter than thith)...

...Anyway, we all know what happenth when albatrothes get th-yot, don't we? I thimply mutht thtop that happening, tho I need the Plathtithine ATHAP

(Inthidentally, Mr Pinniped'th working on another Quetht, if you're interethted. Thith one'th got Mutheth and Private Eyeth in it, but that'th another thtory...)

*taketh the umbrella and thmiles brightly*

Can I have the Plathtithine now, then pleathe? Pretty pleathe?

Orchid

friendlywithteeth - check out the Wizard's Guild (there is a link on my user space, I can't remember their U number currently), where I am the Wizard of Harry Potter and St Andrews University - because I can claim to know much more of what there is to know about HP than about Lord of the Rings (well there's much less to know y'know) though I rather love both. And yes the LOTR DVD, the Fellowship of The Ring - hence FOTR...

Mithter Pinniped...
the plasticine, I'm not sure that I want a fully grown nemithith to terrorise the neighbourhood - mithter legion might get cross with me, and work some of his wizard on me, turn me into something unnatural or worse...

I am thinking of going to dispose the plasticine in a conveniently distant conversation, attached to a random entry for you to go and find. I would of course leave you a suffiently cryptic clue to find it with. I don't hink I could hand it directly to you, too many people might be watching.

Ooooh, thith ith exthiting!
Yeth, pleathe. Let'th play hide and theek for the Plathtithine...

Thankth!

Love Orchid xxx

('Thept I'm not exthactly Pinniped; I jutht kind of uthe thome of hith Thpace, but tho do loadth of other creatureth, tho that'th ...)

well, it was hidden somewhere in the British Isles in a period of traditional cold.

If you don't find it by Friday I'll move it.
If you do...
then I'm coming to get it back!

* THPLATH! *

(Orchid has left on her Treasure Hunt...)

"I'm dreaming of a Wight Chrithmath..."

Watch out, Pinniped! One Nemethith, on it'th way!!!

...Ahem...

I am honoured to make your acquaintance, Ma'am. I am the Speak-Your-Weight-Machine.

I fear that the current crisis leaves us little time for the conventional niceties of introduction, so I intend to break the habit of a lifetime and get straight to the point using this sentence, which has only forty-two words in it.

Auspicious number, don't you think?

Anyway, when Orchid finds out that her friend Coleridge has been shot, she may do something irresponsible with her newly-acquired Pingu-substances. I would say that the only chance for Hugh Manatee is to resurrect the dead albatross before any of this happens. A minor complication is that we don't actually know where the aforementioned deceased has been deposited.

I don't suppose you have experience of remotely infusing the Breath of Life into dead seabirds?

Hugh Manatee? Anything could harpoon in the neckscarf hour? Yes, well...that's a long story. There are some other creatures with an interest in the Pingu-parts too, creatures far more unpleasant than a Whale with a Lithp. I don't suppose you've met GoldSpeech. Let's try to keep it that way, shall we?

to the last resting place of the dead albatross!





(ummm where might an aspiring paramedic find it?)

...Ahem... I had entertained hopes that the Sindarin handle might have presaged some sort of telereanimatory ability... * sigh * ...If you really must assume proximity to the corporeal remains, then use the link below. But prepare yourself to come under heavy fire. The occupants of this thread are a little sadistic, shall we say, and several of the less cerebral of them are apparently disposed to shoot anything that moves... Follow me, Ma'am; I'm right behind you... SYWM http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/F63252?thread=178004&post=2274785#p2274785

just so you know, I'm hiding under the swivel chair in there

"Less cerebral" eh? "All Mithter Legion'th fault" eh?

I've *found* you. I would have known that rasp anywhere... Now I see it all...you're all against me! Conspiring to take the Plasticine without my knowledge!

Just as soon as I can find my pointy hat, heads are going to ROLL! Or possibly EXPLODE! Someone's been playing silly buggers...(well, I played silly buggers for the Idiot Class at Cambridge, where they invented the bloody game! Not important)

I have a mind to find that lisping little seaweed and wring his neck! Assuming he has a neck...otherwise I'll just improvise.
Must...calm...down...

Ooops...

...I'd just like to point out that I have a Multiple Personality Disorder and not all of me can reasonably be held responsible...


P.

Alright then. Would the Speak-Your-Weight Machine and the other assorted personalities please give up the treacherous killer whale? They will not be harmed. Probably

Honestly, you thought I couldn't be trusted with the plasticine? That cuts me deeply, Pinniped. When have I ever done anything to make you distrust me? We was good together, Pinny...where did it all go wrong?

I think when the orchid took over the soul...

Never trust a creature that grins all the time...it's up to something.

*wibble*

*Slides out of the shadows.*

Hmmm... interesting.

*looks around*

My hunt continues...