h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*waits*


*pockets toothpaste*


*waits*

*checks clock*


*steals clock*


*waits*

*breaks window and opens door*



How did you get here so fast?

I stole the car infront of you. This too you will learn in lesson 4,378.


Oooh, look. He's left his washing out.*snigger* Scooby Doo pants *snigger*

So much to learn!

*finishes loading Trin's house onto freshly pilfered lorry*

Ey? Ah, Scooby pants. *points and laughs*

He'll never know we were here.


Except maybe for the big gaping hole where his house used to be. Still, he'll thank us in the end and realise it was all for his own good.

*bags garden gnome*

He is in here, isn't he?

*jumps onto lorry and goes back into house*



We can leave his house at Buckingham Palace.



*scribblescribble*

"Dearest Trin of Tragula,

It has been a closely guarded secret that I am about to retire and have been searching England high and low for my replacement.

I have arrived at the conclusion that it is you who should take over my role.

I leave in your capable hands my crown (You may be surprised at it being a paper hat crown, but the proper one was stolen some years ago. All of my photographs have been photoshopped so the public is none the wiser). I also leave you an array of my best dresses, which I trust you will wear with pride.

Yours sincerely

The Queen"

*leaves letter and dresses on Trin's kitchen side*

Hee hee...

Trin for Queen! Hurrah!


*awards Footy toppermost thievery and skullduggery mischief maker extraordinaire medal*

*salutes*

*nicks medal*

Right then, living room...



I can't see him. There's just stack and stacks of essays...

Hang on...They're not essays. They're thousands of ironed crisps packets.

*knocks piles of crisps packets over*



He's here! Fallen asleep with the iron again.

So, he was just fibbing about doing all that marking. Damn cripsy bag ironer!

Maybe he was trying to shrink them to make little crisp bag badges?



Got any Pritt?

Do you have to ask?

*opens jacket to reveal hundreds of tubes of pritt stuck to inside of jacket*

Indeed, very remiss of me.

*sticks crisp packs to windows*

*Glues Trin's eyelashes with sequins*

*grabs Queen's dress*

Nah, he'll put that on later himself.

*draws eyes onto Trin's eyelids with nail varnish*

hehehe

*Draws outline of Trin's body on carpet in tippex*

*quick pritt sniffy*

*rips carpet up and staples it to the ceiling*

All this pilfery and vandelism is really tiring.


Can I leave you to block all the sockets with pritt?

*salutes*

It shall be my honour, sir!

Pthluh!

Wish there were more like you soldier.*salutes*

*snaffles nobnobs*

G'night!

Right. Pritt.

*goes to pritt up the plug sockets*



Such a waste...





*fridge*



*pours Newman's Own into plug sockets*

"The sockets are all yours, you lousy dressing"

*settles down on settee and arranges the pritt carefully on the nontable*

*sniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniffsniff*