h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Okay hey everyone I thought I'd sort of let people know what's going on, because I keep neglecting certain people and doing loads of other things and then neglecting everything and...well you get the idea.

I feel SO bad that I'm contemplating going to a psychiatrist and begging for anti-ds. You all know how madly against taking tablets I am, and here I am sitting wishing and wishing for them.

So far I have not slept at all in 3 nights. So it's now day 4 and the voices which sit in my head are randomly having conversations without consulting me first, my entire body aches from slumping in bed too much and general fatigue. I'm eating half a meal a day BUT chewing gum, so probably I'm getting myself an ulcer or something.

I'm also making all this up. No okay I'm not making the actual things up. I really haven't slept etc etc but all the feelings, the thoughts, the the what's it? What I'm saying, thinking, feeling, it's all made up. But then I don't know if I'm making it all up, so then maybe I do actually know and I'm making up that I don't know if I'm making it up! And so it goes on and on and on with me getting more and more in a pickle. THEN I decide that I'm making the ENTIRE thing up and I don't trust ANYTHING about myself. I don't trust what I like, hate, think, feel, what I say to people...anything. Even whether I like Marmite! And then I end up curled up on my bed screaming and wailing because I really can't deal with this.

And you know what the psych said? "Well done Kat at least you've got a feeling. You're scared. That's a feeling"

Yeah well...make it go away!!!! I don't want this feeling! I don't want any of these feelings! Besides maybe I'm just making it all up and really I feel fine and I'm just pretending to be scared and messed up to see how people react or how far I can push myself until inadvertently oh shucks dog-gawn I've accidently killed myself! Aw damn it maybe eventually if I don't sleep for long enough I'll go completely insane and quietly kill myself.

The most brillant and successful people (many average people) wrongly feel they are a fake or are undeserving. Maybe that is some of what you are feeling when you wonder about making things up. If so welcome to a bigger picture of the human race

You are feeling enough to be scared , does prove you are alive in a way Everybody is scared embarking on a new adventure. Taking medication and seeing a Dr is a sort of adventure It does require your imput to change.

Your loss of sleep is really too bad! A terrible thing to go through to the extent you are now. Try to give yourself a break and know sleep will help all of this.
Medication should help, it's often a part of many health issues.

You can certainly have odd thoughts and disordered thinking during sleep deprivation. The mind goes first It can fool you into believing it is OK!

It never fails to amaze me what sleeping well for one night does for me let alone a week of nights

Hang in there
We do make up our life as we go to some extent.
It's good you are initiating positive steps.
I hope you can sleep soon....

hey there Kat, I sometimes wonder if I'm making up my depression, the fact that I know I attention seek doesn't help... I also worry that there's no such thing as the real me and that I just play out roles in my life

So that lasted a long time. I fell asleep at 12noon for 4 hours.

I'm not taking any meds currently. The psychologist won't let me. Plus normally I don't want to, which is why I know I'm bad when I start begging for them.

I know what you mean TB. It's exactly like that, but about everything not just depression. Like absolutely everything, like what I'm writing here, and whether my head currently hurts, and whether I know everything about myself and am just making all of this up. In fact I probably am making all of this up and then that makes me a really awful person and I don't deserve anything at all. But if I'm not making it up then I need to sort it. But maybe I'm making up that I even have to question that! Maybe I know exactly if Im making it up or not! Urgh

Oh new poem in the Post by the by. Didn't actually mean to send that one and then hoped it would be rejected but it wasn't so my awfulness is now on show.

Glad to hear you got a little sleep, Kat. I did like the poem. You didn't mean to send it? What did you mean to send?

A much nicer and less hacked off poem.

I'm too tired and grumpy to be of any real use today. Can I just offer you a instead?

Mood swings and roundabouts

*pounces on Rich*

You're alright hon. Keep it together and all shall be sunny. How come I can say these things to other people and not do it myself? In fact, I noticed this. Say if I had a friend who didnt eat, didnt change their clothes, didnt sleep, spent their time sitting around panicking etc...Id be worried and stuff. But because it's me I'm really not concerned at all.
Maybe Im making that all up. Oh god

You've just cheered me up no end with the new bit on the top of your page

But my too and I've got to call Bingo soon, what a nightmare.

I'm good at quitting I've quit quitting so many times it's embarracing, normally after I find a long forgotten lost packet of tobacco in my room, this is usually followed by the thought 'Well it'd be a waste to just throw it away'

Soft brown sugar...that's all I needed! Soft brown sugar! And then I got told off because mam forgot to get it!

Ooohhh that's another thing the psych said! the word 'persecution'. Then we had a big argument because I said it wasn't that big and it was just 'being told off' and she shouldn't use 'persecution'. Yeahhh....

You should just throw them away TB.

Rich what's happening with the page? Anything? Nothing? Have you given up on it?

I think I need a hug

You and me both missus

Have been working solid all over Xmas and will continue til New Year so unfortunately will be doing very little until January 2nd at the earliest

Soooo tired.....

What exactly do you work as Rich?

Everyone, I've just found out that four members of my family were killed in the Tsunami. I have seen many posts hoping and telling of support for the people affected, but I thought that perhaps it would bring it closer to home to be told when people close to you are affected. It is easy to say things when they are many many miles away and nothing to do with you.

On another note, who around me is coming to the London Meet? My friend called Tom and I will be there at 2:45pm for the National Gallery, and then should be in the pub, and will be delighted to say hey!

Dear sweet Kat,

I give you a huge big
And another huge big

I wish I was near you and could give you a real big

the fact that you are able to identify so much with the tragedy in the Indian Ocean shows how sensitve you are - I do think that it is a very noble reaction, but you are going to wear yourself out if you suffer so much my dear one.How do your parents understand this pain that you are feeling? Would you like to write to me? I so feel for you my dear, and would love to be able to speak to you.

With much affection, and a very big

Your very loving also Ran1

Hmmm? Oh everything isn't a problem because of the tsunami. That's all other things. I only found out this morning about the family. I suppose that since we found out about the tsunami in the first place, worry has hung over our house because most of my family lives in Indonesia and Malaysia. It hardly came as a surprise to find that some had died.
It doesn't really matter yet. Does that make any sense? It's like reading in a book "And Kat's family lost four members" and you go "oh really?".


Otherwise, how am I? Well I have yet to actually talk to someone who had a good Christmas. No wait that's not true! A Finnish friend had a nice Christmas. But perhaps that is the point now? Once you get to a certain age, Christmas is SUPPOSED to be awful?
I'm spending almost unheard of amounts of time in bed. I'm getting out of bed for maybe three hours a day? To make dinner, play piano, have a shower etc. I don't suppose it will last long though.
Dad stormed out the house earlier after an argument about a matress cover with mam. Typical of our house I suppose.

Otherwise I'm hunky-dory and reading horror books to try and give a reason for being scared of everything. Unfortunately I seem to have gone numb and stories that last year petrified me and jolted me awake 6 times a night...now leave me with a mild fear and then nothing.

Kathryn

Dear Kathryn,

What a lovely name,

Well, my , thank you for replying even though I enjoyed Christmas! So much has happened to you in your young life. I wonder why you don't write it down. You seem to have such a wonderful gift for writing. A very prcious thing that.

Well, I am still mesmerized by that dreadful Tsunami - so many sad lonely people. Lost, hungry and with no homes.

Talk to you soon,

Your friend,

Also Ran1

*Black Roses*

Thank you dear "You dont see me"

The most beautiful and fragrant red roses are those which are practically black in colour.

Also Ran1

Kat
You must be in shock over your tremendous loss.
Thank-you for telling us.