h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So you'd hold girls to higher standards? I wouldn't give them a pass merely because they're male.

I can't say, Mala, because I don't have girls. In theory, the same rules would apply, but what do I know about raising girls?

What do I know about raising children?

Yeah. Er, that is a little - well, patronising...

As slow as the male brain may be compared to the female, I do suspect it is capable of processing enough information to take in a line of wash or remember to cook two hamburgers.

All right, I will admit that when I was 18, I was the victim of my mother's 'No, I don't need help, I'd rather do this myself' version of some household tasks. (I did offer, more than once.) Due to her conviction that I would mess it up.

Her *accurate* conviction that I would mess it up.

The first time I took my wash to a coin-op instead of the dorm laundry room, my near-sighted eyes failed to see the notice - in small, unfriendly letters - that the machines were low-sudsing...I put in the usual amount of detergent...

The following week, I was certain I had contracted a skin disease... My mother found this very funny, by the way.

And I *never* took my laundry home. Never. And my home was a 45-minute drive from campus. So there.

A lot of the irritations discussed here come down to expectations - and what seems logical and sensible to one person doesn't even occur to another (I make no gender distinction, and I have one of each).

It is important to be explicit about your expectations - to sit down together and have a house meeting and discuss what might be appropriate in what circumstances.

In our house, we usually discuss dinner plans over breakfast - who's in, who needs a lift somewhere, and so is tonight's meal something quick or something more substantial. There's usually a skeleton menu-plan around so we know roughly when it's soup-and-toastie night, and when it's steak and chips night, and also who's in charge of the cooking that night. I try to have one night a week where I teach my daughter to cook something, but that doesn't always pan out due to other commitments.

But one of my lessons learned from 2009 is that I should roll my eyes less and open my mouth more

I must admit, I always find conversations like this a bit hard to relate to. I do understand that it's how life is for a lot of people, but it's so removed from my own experiences, either in my family or in any relationship I've ever been part of. In my family, it was usually my father who cooked. For a number of years, I did it all myself. Any other people I've lived with, it's basically been 50/50. Anything else would just seem weird, to me (I don't mean that judgementally, but it's just how I feel. ).

I'm sure I made a lot of mistakes with the step-children. They lived with me, by the way, didn't just visit occassionally. But one thing I did do was make sure the boys knew how to cook, do laundry, sew, etc. They weren't always happy about it, but they can't use the excuse that they don't know how to do things.

I think Beatrice hit a very stubborn nail square on its head...

She makes very good sense..sometimes expectations simply aren't shared among all members of even the closest knit groups.

Take the boys in hand and tell them gently but firmly what is bothering you..keep your head so as to not give them an excuse to have "emotional reasons " as to why they should continue on a track for future ignorance of simple good-heartedness that is supposed to be the norm for family.

Good advice, all.

There are a lot of good suggestions in here (ie journal).

Now, I *did* try to make the boys share the housework, and I failed with son #1, but son #2 is much more helpful (even though I may have to remind him several times). When they're at war with their dad they refuse to do anything on the grounds that they won't do anything he wants them to do 'because he never does it himself'. I have to convince them that it's not about doing their dad a favour in those situations.

sounds to me the problem lies rather with your husband than with the boys... (and believe me, daughters are not at all easier to bring up than boys are..... you know mine is 15 and sometimes I can't believe how few thougts are in a teenage girls brain...)

More in defence of men...

It's not a man thing, it's a person thing. Girls/Women are just as capable of being self-centred.

And then there's habits. Habits set in almost without noticing sometimes. We all have bad/irritating habits that we remain ignorant of unless or until someone points them out.

And then, as all men know, there are things that you should know but don't know but that's no excuse you should have known anyway.

And then there's other stuff that may be a function of age or manhood, I don't know. As in "I'm making coffee, do you want some?" - No reply - assume that's a no, then - only make one for self - "Where's my coffee then?" - "I asked but you didn't reply" - "No you didn't" - "Yes I did" - "You didn't" - "I did" - "You did not" - assume you are wrong and that you only thought you asked, or you meant to ask and forgot to actually do it or... in any case assume you are wrong and avoid subject of deafness in spouse.

Here, it is more something like:

Why didn't you tell me? Nobody ever tells me things.

But I told you last week, you only forgot.

No, you didn't tell me.

Resulting in me actually not bothering to tell anything any more, because I can never prove that I did. I would need to have witnesses.

Bea,

<<>>

That is the soundest advice I have heard in a long time and should be Quote of the Day! I am so guilty of that

Websailor

Bel, I get exactly that with my other half! It drives me to distraction, so I am glad I am not alone

Websailor

Hold your head up,hunny....

I can only wish you patience where it seems hopeless...

Pheroneous II, you have been listening in at my house it is obviously more common than I thought

Websailor

Ah, B'E, I see where you are going wrong. Did you never see Bob Dylan and his cards?

There was a time when I - who is constantly forgetting stuff - used to accuse spouse of not doing her wifely duty and reminding me. She, in turn has written a list and pinned it on the inside of the front door.

"Have you got:-

1 - Keys
2 - Train Ticket
3 - Glasses
4 - Wallet
5 - Ipod etc etc

I have no excuse. No longer can I accuse her of not reminding me. My excuses (and I need them often) are useless. I have no option but to accept full and total responsibility. Sad, I know.

I suggest "Post-it" notes.

"B'Elana lives here too!"
"Ask B'Elana, she may be starving"
"Don't forget B!!"
"I am your Mother/Spouse."

etc.

Oh, that with the lists is very clever.

Personally, I'd forget to look at the lists. :D

I keep forgetting appointments, although they're marked on my calendar.

I wouldn't claim that I was never told, though.