h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Its no secret that i'm not the best of cooks. I can do basic stuff ok, can even make cakes. Anything other than that is...well... a disaster waiting to happen. However, sometimes i get the urge to be creative, today was one of those days.
I decided to try my hand a making a curry. I bought all the spices, chillis and stuff and with all the enthusiasm of a kid in a sweet shop, set about concocting a masterpiece.
Things were going well, though i had'nt reached the actual 'cooking' stage At this point, i would like to say, seeding chilli's are not fun! My fingers are still on fire, despite several washings...which seems to make the burning worse Its also not a good idea to place you fingers anywhere near you face I do hope the burning will go away soon.
Anyway, after chopping onions i added all the spices and chilli's into the blender. It all went into a big pan, ready to cook. It was starting to smell strong and not too much like a curry. I added the water to the pan. It was at this point i noticed strange white bits in it They did'nt look like anything i had added 'thinks' Oh dear! It suddenly dawned on me that in my rush to get things started, i had forgotten to take the blade guard of the blender 'Ooops' Those white bits in the sauce were in fact shredded guard blades....i don't remember seeing that in the recipe
Needless to say, it all got chucked
I am NOT going to be tempted to try this cooking lark again!
WANTED:
One chef to cook yummy meals and do the washing-up. payment negotiable, apply to me.

Okay, I gather the statement you made at the end of your conversation about not cooking is rather tongue-in-cheek
May I say I 'd encourage this new found desire to cook for yourself as a good thing, as take-aways as much as they are convenient are far too expensive to maintain on a daily? basis.

Okay try this, to hell with all that cutting up and de-seeding chillis etc, this one works for me and is so easy to produce.
Get some dead bird breasts, chicken will do, it's a popular choice I believe, 2-3 depending on your appetite, then chop em up into bite-sized pieces. Grab 2 large-ish onions and chop them too. Add these to a pan containing a tin of chopped or plum tomatoes (maybe 2 tins depending on the amount of dead bird breasts you have decided to eat).
Then heat and add roughly a heaped dessert spoon of Pataks curry paste and stir through, it's available in different strengths- I use madarse
Cook until the sauce thickens and you know the dead bird is definitely cooked, roughly 20 mins.
Prior to serving sprinkle some garam masala sparingly over the surface and stir through thoroughly.
(Any meat can be used and you can also just use any preferred vegetable if you are that way inclined-aubergines are and peppers are nice with chicken, the possibilities are endless so experiment!)
Voila!, and there you have it, a nice easily prepared chicken curry with hardly any cost and hopefully no tear-filled eyes. I have taken to using tortilla wraps as an accompaniment as opposed to rice as rice bores my tastebuds to death, and you don't have to cook tortilla wraps Let me know how you get on if nothing else it may save you a few bob!

Arty

So to hear you had to bin it all - and after all the time it took even Don't let this discourage you though, it will not happen again, I'm sure

I can see why you have declined the offers of milady's book of recipes.

But if I recall, m'dear, you have had some successes. So perhaps another day ...

Venus, is the job still open? Curries are my speciality!!!

Artisan's method does work well, although true curries don't use Chillies (after all, they do come from South America I Believe)

Re: Chillies - Do Not use water to remove the sting. Milk is better, and wear rubber gloves if you are susceptible to burning sensations (Fiddler Health WARNING - do NOT go to the loo whilst preparing This is a voice of experience)

It is advisable to fry the spices before adding the onions (but don't scorch) as this will enhance the flavour...

Mazin, like Venus I don't profess to be a cook either. I like to cut corners when I do though and as a result of that the finer points of cooking just go
right out the window. I used to add ingredients at different times, sweat the onions first etc but found out the end result is always the same.
Like 99.999% of the male population(presumably) I was and have been pandered to most of my life by my mother, partners, and some very good friends, so there was in the past never any need to learn to cook! Now, since living on my own for the last 12 yrs I've had no choice to at least try to. My recipe is more of a lazy mans curry, with hardly any preparation and no culinary skills are required apart from a bit of stirring every now and then. Now that suits me down to the ground

Its not just curries i can't cook

Arty.
That does indeed sound very yummy. I'm not sure if i'll attmept to make another curry, but who knows eh!

B'el.
You're right, it won't happen again, i only had one blade guard!

Maz.
The job is still open, so feel free to cook a curry for me

Nick.
Now you know i'm not good in the kitchen, only I could shred a blade guar

When's the next train?

I cooking,especially Curries, I rarely bother just for myself, so I only cook alternate weekends ... and this weekend is one of them.

Just can't think what to cook.

Hmm. Frankfurter, Sauerkraut, Kartoffelpuree?

Justy realised ... I'm not in Germany any longer

Ah well, bangers and mash and mushy peas then!

Now that i can cook

When we go to Kew, maybe you could make a curry then? It would have to be chicken though, i don't really eat much other meat.

Are you going to write a journal about your trip?

I can do an alright curry, but I always forget to wash my hands before going for a pee. Big mistake

I don't believe it!!
All the men can cook curry...and i cant. This is not good

Hmm, aslong as you don't forgot to wash your hands after

The searing pain in a very sensitive area makes me want to wash my hands over and over and over again, Bel

Once I tried to take my contact lenses out after chopping chillis. Another lesson learnt.

I was about to offer three bits of advice - I think of it as the holy trinity of chillis.

1. Do NOT be tempted to urinate unless using a hands-free set Fiddler!

2. Do not rub your eyes Rich!

3. Do not scratch or pick your nose for a week or two.

The first two were pointed out - the third's worth bearing in mind too!

Onion tip - The root gives off the scent that makes you cry. The first thing to do when chopping an onion is slice the bottom right off, and put it in the bin. I do that and it never bothers me now.
I wouldn't mind the cook job, pity you only eat chicken though - raw chicken is something I hate handling!

I'd be happy to handle the chicken!

With all these offers of cooks, do you think I could get a place as a lodger ?
Rich, I'll rather not tell my experiences with people who have touched chilis

Oh yes, you're more than welcome to come and lodge, it'll save me getting fat on all this fine cooking thats coming my way

Great - so when do I move in ?

Hey, can we all move in and take it in turns to cook one day a week?

Still haven't seen anyone volunteer for the dish washing though!

Oh, I can bring a dishwasher, no problem