h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

All Threads ahoy! On the subject of par example those little adorable kittens were riddled with fleas.Foul ,foul.Children and headlice is a cross I expect to bear,moths flying aimlessly all night around the landing light and casting enormous shadows that look like 'the Scream' ants playing by the back doorwaiting for any discarded lolly sticks,flies in the rubbish bags busy at the half eaten sausages and sundry other six-leggy winged things that drop by the kitchen door for a chat uninvited -hey thats Summer friends. But fleas!!!!
If I wasn't so happily albeit pointlessly and maybe even a little pathetically in love with the comic genius that is Paul Whitehouse I sometimes think life might be quite hard to bear.

And I had my bike stolen when one of the idiot children the sweet Lord blessed me with locked it to the drainpipe outside our house through one spoke!!!!I saw it later in the week in the possession of our neighbourhood one man cimewave( arson,carjacking all thngs considered ooh officer have you met my father-on your way son what a lovable rogue eh? )He leaned on the bike casually chatting in the friendliest way and later waved cheerily at me as he rode round our cul-de- sac on a moped and down the school lane scattering pensioners and single mothers to the four winds quaffing one of the many cans of beer his gang haul home and stash in the garage with their bongs and bottles. For months fourteen year olds had been stopping me and saying it was a nice bike.And still I didn't go down and get the olice to mark it.

Oh sorry! you were telling me about your new job! Look at me! monopolising the conversation and not letting you get a word in edge ways!!! And a new flat as well!!! My ,my. And you say the pay is good to? Well you have landed on your feet haven't you!!! I sometimes wether a little adversity isn't good for a man though sort of stengthens the charachter if you will. I mean life isn't really all about going to different countries meeting new people enjoying your job and making gentle fun of the language....is it?!!!!!

I'm off to buy a newer more murderous pest spray and pay for next years sailing course. Anon ,anon sir.

I don't have a job! I jacked in my previous job for a new life you sillyhead.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your bicycle. Are the friendly neighbourhood gents and ladies in blue unable to help you at all with the matter? Surely you kept the receipt? Or did you steal it from Ratboy to begin with?

So many questions. Oh well. Again the sun shines here brilliantly, it has been 7 days of unspeakably good weather, which strangely coincides with 7 days having given up smoking (feeling strong, haven't had the urge at all to smoke!) and 7 days since meeting someone I like a lot.

Sorry to be so painfully upbeat about things, but I am genuinely not used to such cheeriness, happiness and pleasure. Every day I smile a little more than the last. It also helps that I have my Björk, Grandaddy, Madlib and Portishead cds to keep me company.

Peace!

It is uncanny I barely recognise yr postings. Hve you found my friend Kaisa Larrson yet? Well how is she getting on with her puppetry?

Larsson stupid!!! The scandinavians don't have double fricatives in their language.

You're joking! She was in the newspaper the other day.

Knobcheese! what are you doing on line ?

not much. how's about you sillyhead?

I was wondering if you would like to come aboard the Paul Whitehouse for the Spurs job thingy. As a WestHam supporter you will surely sympathise with any other club that is nearing the relegation zone.

how pitifully you underestimate me!

Paul Whitehouse and Spurs being 2 of the things I hate most in the world. Above famine and aids too. Jesus. Paul Whitehouse is a snotty twat from Enfield too. He should go back to working for the local council too. Just leave it.

He was born in Cardiff actually. Say what you like.We won three nil yesterday against pig-face Rooneys team and Alex won Fame Academy black flags with white crosses ahoy and aloft,i'faith makes m'proud to be celtic and not a home counties nothing in p'ticular bit of anglo saxon bit of Dane smattering of the old Norman in there somewhere.You can take yer danegeld and shove it up yer upton park,mate. Tottenham will finish in the top five this season and you will spend next season slithering around the relegation zone again
Whats Swedish for 'Cos we're from Hertfordshire aint we oi?'?

Hows yer ma and pa getting on by the way? They seem like nice people,its odd isn't it? You never know where the curse will strike tho do you? In some circles they call it nimbusnegrafilia-or as the Native American's would have it..the son who is a dark cloud.Still at least you're only massing in a threatening way over Dogger Bank.

Racist.

I am a viking if you must know, none of your celtic region-mange in me!

You will not finish in the top 5 due to the fact that your team are a pile of poo. That is a fact. Don't argue with me, i know it to be true. I was offered an apprenticeship at Spurs when I was 15 and turned it down. Because they are a pile of poo. Even you kerb-crawler manger admits they have been poo since the 1960s. it's true.

So, Paul Whitehouse is also partly Welsh. That convinces me. Sorry!

Ah here it is under 'Shite'.

A viking you say,you can't prove that! I can go back 14 generations in my family with very little effort at all(thanks Aunty Jenny) but you well all I can say is pathos est exitus..blood will out.And you'll find thats a very mixed bunch of chromosomes you'll be passsing on to the next generation. Rascist? I personally have produced three,count them!,three sons that area nice mix of Jamaican and Irish on the other sides.but the point is..they are still Cornish.Its a matriarchal thing see.

You racist!

I can also trace my family back a similar distance, including to Barcelona dude extraordinaire Gaudi. Aaaaaaaah.

Don't shout about the Cornish thing though, could have damaging consequences for the futures of the kiddywinks.

I am a Viking, quite clearly, in fact I intend to sack Jorvik this coming winter.

Peace out

Are u studying law,then at this prestigious university? You might tell me,I tell you loads of stuff quite a quarter of which is totally true.I'm supposed to be meeting one of the hootooers this week,Capn Spank but I think his wifes probably had their baby this weekend as I haven't heard owt..so I guess the long lunch in London is off for a bit.He seems quite normal for an investment banker which is all rather unexpected...I've not been to any of those meets have u? Frankly anyone who posts regularly to people they have never met and whose name they don't even know are completely mad.Its not something Iyou'd find me doing.William.

That's true Maude, I have never considered meeting these weird weird idiots. I am not studying law. I do however have a mountain of work to do for tomorrow morning and must run. Ta-ra!

Leave me alone ! Stop twisting my melon ,man.I can hardly function (see other post) and you won't give me a straight answer to any of my loaded questions
Incidentally,it was West Ham you supported wasn't it? One doesn't like to ask outright of course.Not really 'form'.

Parp. I support West Ham. I don't study law per se. Straight answers to crap questions. NEXT!

just taking in a interest in your little life,lord bless you.Would you like me to be your mentor.I'm getting to the stage where I feel I ought to be giving something back..to pass onto those half a generation down some of my hard won knowledge and a lifetimes experience of living close to the street and where its at.Hard to know where to start but my first piece of advice to you would be Get a decent haircut.My second would be stand up straight,frankly your posture is appalling.Any student of body language would tell you that your stance is just screaming 'Pay me as litttle as you like..I'm pitifully greatful to be here'
Any point in talking Blues with you .Crawlin King Snake? Parchman Farm? Get on with it do I haven't got all day.

That was downright incoherent. Try again, read through it after writing it and just breathe more often if possible.

I would like to confirm that I cut my hair yesterday. I did a good job too. Thank you, that is all.

Your posture could still do with some work tho'. Try to imagine you are a jellyfish who has just undergone a seventeen hour operation to recieve a donated skeletal structure.You are rising above the waves,and your new body can walk on the surface.Or wait until the tide brigs you to the shore and practise scurrying across the sand like a crab. for you it is a new day! A new dawn! Only don't break down and blub in a Blainey way about how you apprecite nature and God and proclaim your love for every created thing. Be dignified and quietly aloof.

And now relax! There! Look at you two inches taller already! Yes did you want something?Only I'm very busy just now.