h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I write this message with great sadness in my heart. It has come to light that you are a sinner and do not fit in with the cleancut ways of the BBC.

Unless you can provide indubitable evidence that you are:

1) Cheeky like that Shane Richie (you aren't allowed to use the word 'Duchess'
2) Serious like Kate Adie (no shrapnel)
3) Boggle eyed like Marty Feldman (nothing like a bit of slapstick)
4) Brave like Michael Barrymore (able to soldier on with only the stories you sell to the News Of The World to comfort you)
5) A mean guitar player like Tony Blair (our sacred leader)

You have 28 days to furnish the head of the BBC with this information. Failure to do so will lead to a crack team of Devonians with uneven lengthed legs walking past your house day and night. Wearing clogs. Yeah, clogs. Imagine that. Clip........clop clip........clop. And repeat. Ad infinitum.

Peace. And. Chips.

Shane Richie is God. Look at the evidence! Well it speaks for itself don't it!!

Riddle me this:

Three men in a boat with a packet of cigarettes but no matches. How do they smoke??

Badly,I fancy.

Shame on you Lady! Shame on you! You could have tried.

The Answer:

They throw a cigarette overboard and make it a cigarette lighter. Na!

Ooh that reminds me of an old joke about somebody cutting something in half putting it together and making a hole sticking their head through it shouting themselves hoarse and riding away on it. We were a sophisticated lot in Plymstock I can tell you.
Incidentally when you are in Sweden you might say hello to my friend Kaisa Larsson.Her mother is a model maker and she has red hair so she should be easy to spot. Incidentally you shouldn't wear that with that ,I hope you don't mind me mentioning it but it doesn't match.

Plymstock! Plymstock! Ahahahaha. Oi thought you sounded more like a Devonport person. Or Laira Bridge. No. Scrub that. Stonehouse, through and through. With a bit of Gaddian blood in you. PEACE.

I was born at Laira I b'lieve.Theres some cliffs overlooking the plym and a road and railway running alongside the river and Iwas born above it in a house for naval cadets,(yum)
Next time you are interviwed for telly could you wear an Austrian Hat with a little red feather and include the word 'manifold 'in your answer?

Umm ... How does a man in a sealed room in a desert escape to safety? In the room with him, there is a table.

Rubs hand on the table until it is sore. With the saw he cuts the table in half and puts it back together. Everyone knows two halves make a whole. He escapes through the hole etc etc etc

Sonorus

Don't be daft. That is twaddle. Sore does not equal saw. Silly. Stand in the corner.

I think the dunces hat with the glittery 'D' today please

You are indeed a billy.

Whilst you are only a bully (see Rum punch et al)
On a lighter note I have just rediscovered my joke book for all occasions whilst in transit.( Whats latin for whilst moving between the current and henceforth known to be known as 'old' address and the new heretoforward to be referred to as the 'current' address,then smartarse? Come on surely you have yr Websters legal dictionary to hand)
Sadly I can't remember any of them a ce moment so we will have to sit here in silence......Blimey even your silences have an edge of menace to them don't they?

Two bee keepers, standing around having a chat. The first says proudly, "I have 120,000 bees in 20 hives." The second trumps him, saying "I have 4,000,000 bees in one hive!" The first beekeeper turns to him and says "Isn't that rather a lot?" The second replies "F**k them! They're only bees!"

A man comes up to the bar and says 'a pint for me and one for the donkey' The landlord looks round but all he can see is a small slightly sad man sitting at a table.Later the man comes back and orders two more pints 'One for me and one for the donkey,please landlord'! The third time ,the man comes up orders the drinks and then goes off to the gents.The landlord walks over to the table and says 'Whats all this about a donkey?' The small sad man says 'He hor he hor he horlways calls me that.

Don't tell Gareth that will you only hes promised to lend me his ridiculous good fortune for 24 hours....

ah well back to my governors report

My advice for the report; the head is an incompenent, the deputy is one of those gayes but a good worker and the caretaker needs to take more care.

What do I win?

A free trip to Malmo! Just call to collect.

i'm off on Monday, early in the morning.may have more time to post then, god know. anyways peace and love to you all...

his holiness the pope

At the airport,on the plane,going through customs,suddenly wondering if you've made a HORRIBLE mistake,wondering if they will remember to record every stenders episode and how you will cope without pop idol?HWhats going through yer mind just now Reverend?

the complimentary vin rouge i have just taken receipt of in the rather luxurious law department here. sadly, i'm here to do politics so i will be slumming it with my fellow knitwear marxists round the corner.

lovely country this is, though. went to the last night of the malmö festival on friday and saw a bunch of old swedes covering whisky in the jar, highway to hell and some pogues. being the only brit in the building, i decided that we need some 'oirish' dancing so i did my most offensive interpretation of traditional irish dancing whilst trying not to spill my overpriced, underpowered local brew on my shirt.

seriously though, i think i have stepped into heaven, the people are lovely and there are very few brits here which has really pleased me. ooh, and to say good morning sounds funny and insulting 'cos of unpronounced letters you say go(d) mor(g)on. ahe he ehehehah heheheh ahahahahaha hhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhheeeeeee. hear me laughing??

anyways, keep 'em peeled for my next update, i will have a big fat permanent and free internet superspeed foot massager connection in my flat soon and will maybe even read this more than once a month.

peace