h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As chairman of the Black Hole Escape Committee I would like to welcome myself to the Escape Committee Planning Meeting.

All members of the Escape Committee are present (there being only one member at the moment) and there are no apologies.

The agenda for todays meeting will be as follows

1. General Welcome and

2. Minutes of any previous meetings (although there haven't been any)

3. Chairperson's opening message

3. Supplies and Equiptment

4. Short break for and

5. Route Planning

6. Recruitment of New Members

7. Lunch

8. Digestion

9. Fundraising

10. Treasurers report (If we can find a treasurer)

11. More and

12. Chairman's report

13. Any Other Business

14. Date of Next Meeting

Where do I sign up ?

Where do I get the and ?

Greetings. Put your towel down over there and help yourself to and .

< Hangs towel up on nearby towel hook, grabs a and awaits Chairperson's opening message, humming annoyingly to himself >

Hmmmm Hmmmm Hmm Hmmmm

<coughs some more because of the 20 B&H consumed whilst waiting for meeting to start>

Good afternoon.

I'd like to welcome everyone to the Black Hole Escape Plan Committee. I'm glad to see that the attendance is double what we would normally get for our Committee meetings.

As you will know we have had difficulty in replacing me as treasurer and we are still looking for someone to fulfil that position. As secretary and chairman I regret I no longer have the time to carry out this role.

The purpose of today's meeting is to draw up an outline escape plan ready for the next meeting of the escape plan committee at a date to be decided at a later date.

Any questions?

< Stands up and approaches the chair >

I would like to formally announce my intentions to stand for the position of treasurer and keeper of the ’s

I’ll need a second.


Do we have a final escape destination in mind?


< gets another , a and sits back down munching quietly >

Does anyone object to PeeJ as treasurer and Keeper of the ?

O.k. PeeJ you are officially treasurer and keeper of the cakes. Please be ready to give your report at the appropriate place in the agenda.

On the matter of destination. We will have to discuss that under item 14 of the agenda.

< Stands up, brushes crumbs off his trousers, accepts the robe of the keeper of cakes and approaches the chair >

I would like to thank the chair for bestowing the honour of keeper of cakes upon me, and will endeavour to keep both the committee’s monetary & cake situation under some kind of control.


I would also like to bring to attention of the committee that the next point on the agenda is spelt wrong.

< sits down with a smug grin on his face and sips >

< Starts to fidget, glances at door. Wishes he hadn’t drunk so much >

Excuse me, I’ll be back in a while, need to go powder my nose.

< Grabs towel and launches himself out of door, clutching groin >

Thank you Mr Treasurer and keeper of the .

That reminds me, does anyone want to stand as secretary?

Mr Treasurer?



In the absence of Mr Treasurer we will have a short adjournment for and

I don't suppose you need a quartermaster?

Oh alright then. You can be quartermaster and you can make the

You are hereby appointed Quartermaster and Chief maker of the Black Hole Escape Committee.

Could you just put the kettle on please?

We still need someone who can spell and has more than one brain cell to act as secretary.

Does anyone wish to nominate themselves?

< Peej sneaks back into the room, and sits down again, hoping nobody missed him when he was gone. He’s got something under his towel >

Well, Hello 6.48, how are you this evening? < waggles eyebrows and shifts a bit closer > That’s a lovely frock you’re wearing this evening...

< Stands up, approaches the chair, leaving suspicious looking towel behind >

May I recommend A Ms Cheese Edam as secretary, she appears to be the only one with any intelligence whatsoever, and has a vast knowledge of all dairy related substances ?


< Sits down, starts fussing with his towel >

(Bob enters the room)

Erm excuse me, I know the sign said "no babel fish" but I fink I can help you wif the secretary's job as I can sepll and typw

Oh No! I've never had this problem before. It appears we'll have to have a vote.

All those in favour of Ms Edam Cheese please say 'Cheese'.

All those in favour of Mr Bob the Babel Fish please say 'Fish'.

Just one vote each please.

Well, as Ms Cheese does not seem to have put in an appearance she is obviously very lost and wasn't able to read the invitation to the meeting.

I say 'FISH'

< Stops doing whatever it is he's doing with towel, and stands >

'Cheese' I'm afraid. I did nominate her after all

I might be biased but I say Fish

In that case I appoint Mr Bob the Babel Fish as Official secretary and Translator to the Black Hole Escape Committee.

Unfortunately due to your bad spelling I would also like to appoint ms Edam Cheese in her absence as Official Spell Checker and Cheese Advisor to the Black Hole Escape Committee.

Now can we please get on.