h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Banker livers, Carmelized fava beans and Chianti (serves 4)

Ingredients

* 3 tablespoons cooking oil
* 2 pounds fava beans (about 4 cups)
* 3/4 teaspoon salt
* 1/4 teaspoon fresh-ground black pepper
* 1 1/4 pounds banker livers cut in half
* 1/2 cup Chianti
* 2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

Preparation

1. In a large frying pan, heat 2 tablespoons of the oil over moderate heat. Add the fava beans, 1/2 teaspoon of the salt, and 1/8 teaspoon of the pepper. Cook, stirring frequently, until the fava beans are well browned, about 15 minutes. Remove the fava beans from the pan and put on a serving platter or individual plates.

2. In the same frying pan, heat the remaining 1 tablespoon oil over moderately high heat. Season the banker livers with the remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt and 1/8 teaspoon pepper. Put the livers in the pan, in two batches if necessary, and cook for 2 minutes. Turn and cook until browned, about 2 minutes longer. The livers should still be pink inside. Remove the banker livers from the pan and put them on top of the fava beans.

3. Sprinkle with chianti and parsley and serve.

Note: avoid bankers with plethoric face, puffy greasy face, spider veins on face, rosacea and rhinophyma( all indicative of chronic alcohol use ) since liver may be spoiled.

The Council doubted that Mickey had really got that off the DEFRA website.

Decko declared that things had now gone too far, after Denise promised to get him a T-shirt (XXL) with "Plethoric" on it.

Ziv feels that liver should never be cooked for that long, and that sprinkling chianti is the kind of behaviour that gives cannibalism a bad name.

Dave has meanwhile regressed into one of his veggie spells.

Be warned that most banker produce becomes difficult to digest when there is a 'B' in the month. At this time bankers are often given added bonus making them fat and inflated. Brown sauce has been suggested as a way of improving banker produce on offer at this time.

Expecting a lot of guests? What’s for Dinner?

Banker with Chili Beans would be an unusual choice.

Bankers may be obtained as fresh road kill or by hunting. However, the best banker will have been trapped and fed on cereal and milk for at least ten days prior to serving. The road kill method is considered the most humane and causes the banker the least amount of inconvenience.

Next, the banker should be cleaned but not skinned. Put the banker into a large pot of water heated just below the boiling point. Pull at the banker's hair frequently. When the hair pulls out easily remove the banker from the water and carefully scrape it to remove all hair. While scraping, frequently pour cold water over the banker's skin. The discerning cook will recognize that this preparation method also applies to possum and suckling pig.

Be careful to remove the red glands in the small of the back and the ones under the forearms between the ribs and shoulder.

Par blanch the carcass two times for twenty minutes. This involves placing the banker in cold water and bringing it to a simmer for the specified time. After each session, plunge the banker into cold water to prevent further hot water cooking.

Next cut the banker into serving size pieces and brown in a very large skillet or cauldron using 50 tablespoons of olive oil and ten cloves of pressed garlic.

Add:
120 cups of hot water
10 teaspoons of salt
5 teaspoon of pepper
20 6 oz. can tomato paste
12 teaspoons chili powder
20 cups of kidney beans

Cover and simmer gently for two hours.

Before serving, sprinkle with 25 tablespoons of grated cheese and place under broiler until cheese is golden.

Use your best china with this one. Your creation, combined with candlelight music with a fine French white Burgundy will give your guests a meal to remember.

Too prolix.

The Council has been considering Mickey's representations to the effect that he now rules the world.

Mickey has never enjoyed a day like this one before. Not only did his football team completed an unlikely double over the other lot, but people on another continent also appeared to agree with him, or at at least give him encouragement in his bizarre quest to introduce bankers to the fod chain.

Decko didn't show up tonight, and is reputed to have torn up his season ticket. IUn a spirit of compromise, Dave and Ziv proposed that Mickey may assume bragging rights footie-wise on condition that he desists from pursuing his campaign to eat people.

Mickey said he would consider this. His manic glee throughout the evening, the persistent whooping noises and repeated attempts to bite Dave all suggest that he probably won't.

An article cut out of one of the Sunday supplements flutters out of Mickey's pocket.

Getting the Most from you Banker.

In these financially straightened times, most of us are looking for ways to get the most value out of those bankers. Solnushka suggets how, whilst sacrificing neither flavour nor nutrition:

1. Go Retro. Dust off your Granny's casserole and learn to use it to transform economical cuts into tender treats through this moist heat cooking. The classic banker pot roast uses chuck, while modern banker carnitas use the banker bum. Both delicious dinner table staples are just a casserole dish away.

2. Customize Classics. Banker burgers are classic, economical meals. But you can make everything old new again by mixing your minced banker with seasonings like bleu cheese, herbs, or chipotle peppers. Buying the lean formulations – like 90 percent lean – offers flavor with less fat.

3. Pass the Marinade, Please. Flavorful marinades can tenderize economical cuts like the chuck or round, and grilling reduces fat. Your marinated London banker can feed a crowd without the price tag.

4. Rub it In. Adding a dry rub to an economical cut like the tender flat ironed banker steak makes a delicious meal that’s packed with protein, iron, and other vitamins.

5. Dig the Deli. Popular brands of deli banker meats offer surprisingly good nutrition at low costs. A serving of one major brand of honey-roasted banker has 70 calories in a serving, 10 grams of protein and just 2.5 grams of fat. Add slices of cold banker to salads and omelets to satisfy while adding good nutrition.

6. Savor Some Sausage. Add banker sausage to pasta or rice dishes for added flavor -- or make your own unique version of Paella. Check out the nutrition labels on today’s banker sausage products. They’re leaner than you think and come in a wide array of flavor profiles, from sun-dried tomato and basil to mango. And you’ll pay far less than you would for a premium cut of banker meat.

7. Kebab It. Cuts of banker like sirloin can be tenderized by marinating it. Threading chunks of marinated banker with vegetables on kebab sticks creates a colorful and balanced meal. Summer grilling or winter broiling will whisk fat away and offer a delicious, easy and slightly exotic entrée.

8. Dress to Impress. The most basic meals can be made more interesting with salsas and fruit-based chutneys. And these toppings add anti-oxidants without adding fat. Peach chutney adds flavor and moisture to a lean and economical banker loin chop without breaking the bank.

Stuffed banker gives added value and is enjoyable to prepare.

British bankers have such cute names: Sir Tom, Sir Fred, Lord Covington.
They seem so apologetic and so utterly clueless. It almost seems a shame to serve them up...and that recent warning about toxic rump and Mad Banker's disease is scary.

The Council noted with some relief that Mickey seems to have got over it.

As far can be ascertained, he hasn’t bitten anybody since Friday. He has reluctantly conceded that all the people who have sent him recipes are probably middle-class, and therefore deserve to be on his Bag List anyway. He has been persuaded that Soylent Green is only a film (and that Charlton Heston didn’t actually receive the Ten Commandments either).

Ziv remarked that it was deeply regrettable, given all the profound and vital political discourse in which the Council engages, that the only significant public interest ever recorded should be the result of an unpleasant lunatic’s exhortation to perform acts of cannibalism. Shortly after that was, in fact, the last time that Mickey bit someone.

Earlier this evening, Mickey offered to buy drinks. He didn’t actually succeed, because of Denise’s refusal to serve him, or even to stand behind the bar while Mickey was leering at her. The Council nonetheless invited Decko to deliver a short speech celebrating the civilising influence of debate, and welcoming Mickey to a five-year probationary period, at the successful conclusion of which he will be considered for admission to the Human Race.

The Council declined to discuss the topic of Fred Goodwin burgers. Mickey was advised that future opportunity for the advocacy of banker consumption is bound to be both protracted and numerous, and that he’s getting very boring.

The Council elected instead to celebrate the poetry of the almost Bard-like Derek Henderson Esq, who has recently regaled us with some truly profound and mellifluous verse. Ziv noted that promotion by the Council of Decko’s extraordinary artistic output has been sadly neglected since 2006, when a doodle on a beermat was offered to the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition. Recalling Decko’s Welsh credentials (notably his occasional family holidays in Prestatyn), Dave undertook to write to the organisers of the National Eistedfodd, offering readings.

The following piece, with a provisional title suggested by the Council of “Contemplation of Repair to an Alternative Hostelry”, was selected for submission:

Letme
Getme
Hattanme
Coat

Ms Denise Fruitysnatch* considered the sentiments of this poem to be especially pleasing.
(*not her real surname, but Dave is very suggestible)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=712kRqri2No&eurl=http://www.calculatedriskblog.com/2009/02/buffetts-letter-to-shareholders.html

The Council received a masterclass from Professor Ziv Zeiss on the nature of the British economy.

The British economy can be represented by three empty beer glasses, standing in a triangle so that each one touches the other two.

Decko’s glass, which formerly contained bitter, stands on a slightly dog-eared beermat. This glass looks reasonably wholesome, with a light encrusted ring-pattern left by the descent of a persistent head and with a clean brown ring encircling the base, pretty much like a used pint glass ought to look. This glass represents what Professor Zeiss describes as the ‘proper’ economy. The proper economy produces things that people are willing to pay for. It includes skilled technicians and craftsmen but also lower-tech worthies such as farmers. It generates wealth and also contributes to the balance of trade, since its products are suitable for export.

Dave’s glass, which formerly contained lager, stands on nothing at all and is peculiarly featureless. It seems almost clean, except for traces of urine-like dregs in the bottom. According to the Professor, this glass stands for the public sector. It provides vital services, as well as a large measure of cloying administration. It generates no wealth, however. Everything it delivers is ultimately paid for by the economic activity represented by other glasses. The people in the public sector do not understand this, and delude themselves that they have equivalent value to those in the proper economy. Their ignorance is so widespread and so forceful that it distorts democracy and subdues government. Accordingly, the British economy treats its overhead better than its productive contributors, leading to a national condition termed by adherents of the Zeiss School as ‘completely knackered’.

The contact area between these two glasses represents the service economy of the private sector. It generates wealth but in a constrained way, with limited export potential, for example. The most lucrative parts of this sector are the least useful, owing to an annoying inverse correlation between societal need for a service and the rate of return on investment in providing it. Large parts of this sector exist to absorb public sector outsourcing, stepping up once public sector delivery incompetence has been thoroughly demonstrated.

The third beerglass has been contributed by Mickey and is accordingly very disturbing. It stands on, or more properly is embedded in, the mangled remains of a bag of pork scratchings. Its former liquid contents have been rendered unrecognisable by a mixture of what appears to be mucus and the remains of products no longer allowed in public houses owing to the smoking ban. This glass represents the financial services-based economy. When conjured into existence by Margaret Thatcher, this sector was benign but fictitious. The latter attribute remains debatable, but the sector is now profoundly toxic, and destroys all wealth with which it comes into contact. The institutions closest to this sector, namely the banks, have now all become zombified, undead travesties of their original merely unwholesome selves, and go around sucking the blood out of small and medium enterprises.

This blood-sucking activity takes place in the contact zone between Mickey’s glass and Decko’s. On the other side, where Dave’s touches Mickey’s, we find former nationalised industries that have been privatised. Professor Zeiss pronounces these the most treasonable organisations on the planet, since their executives have adopted the commitment to society of the finance sector while retaining the functional competencies of the public sector.

In Professor Zeiss’ persuasive and highly symbolic model, the current global economic recession is represented by Denise the Barmaid. She clears the glasses away, but realising that Mickey’s is absolutely disgusting, she drops it at arm’s length into the swing-bin under the bartop. The other two glasses she places in the glass-washer. The next cycle of economic activity will thus proceed without the participation of the modern financial services sector. There will be a few subdued banks, behaving a bit like Dr Jekyll with a really disturbing hangover, and that’s about your lot. The likelihood of Dave’s pension ever being paid will be nil, unless or until a lot more people get into Decko’s glass and start actually making things. There will probably be a General Strike, only the people striking won’t be the ones we actually need, and so nobody will notice.

The Council, suitably chastened, briefly considered an alternative of drinking whisky instead, until it was pointed out that everybody associated with Mickey’s Toxic Economy seems to be Scottish.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereporters/robertpeston/2009/03/time_to_hug_a_banker.html

Professor Zeiss surprised the Council with his assertion that Mickey actually had a point.

Apparently it really is impossible to tax the public sector, owing to the fact that you've already paid them with tax revenues extracted from the wealth-generating economy.

In order to help Gordon the Clown pick himself up in a bucket, we therefore need a more fundamental fiscal concept to extract economic recompense from public sector employees. An arbitrary exchange is inevitable, since these people don't have any real money, but the process might still have a point if it reduces the size of the drain.

Mickey's suggestion of inciting them all to eat each other is as good as any.

The Council was convened yesterday evening, and were advised that the Election Guidelines are now in force.

Decko said something that unfortunately falls foul of the requirement to discuss issues rather than personalities. Mickey added an opinion which, even if medically possible, must remain unreported for the same reason.

Ziv asked if he could point out that it's coming to something when you look less dignified than Patsy off AbFab, but he was told, no he couldn't. Dave's proposal for a pound-a-go Wonky Smile competition went the same way, even if the proceeds were to go to charity.

At this point the footie came on and a rapidly escalating political vacuum-crisis was narrowly averted. Afterwards, the Council debated whether that was a good result or not, and issued a statement to the effect that it was now more antisocial than ever when Denise sneezes over the customers. (Neither off these topics are banned, but they're also too tedious to report at length).

The Council was appraised of the significant fact that there are three teams beginning with S in the play-off finals. Shortly afterwards, Decko was heard to make a series of crowing noises, and Mickey demanded that Dave should get the drinks in.

While Dave was absent, the Council was advised that there are quite probably people as sad as him further East, following Scunny. This chilling line of reasoning was not further pursued. Instead, the Council attempted to remember where Shrewsbury is. Ziv knows a bird from near there, apparently.

Decko and Mickey agreed a truce, and asked whether the time wasn't yet right to incite the revolution. Ziv advised that they should give it a couple more days. The British public now needs only the slightest additional injustice to tip it over the edge, and the Eurovision Song Contest should do nicely.

A clever entrepreneur has developed a deck of 52 "most wanted" playing cards. The cards feature the villains of the World's economic death spiral. Bernie Madoff is the Ace of Spades. As usual, in its provincial myopia, The USA claims to have a corner on the bad guys...It's a little like the baseball world series, where minor countries like the UK are not invited to compete...

http://www.nydailynews.com/money/2009/05/26/2009-05-26_deal_this_deck_facedown_but_do_it_fast.html

The Council further heard that the cribbage board has again disappeared from its position under the wonky leg of the pinball machine, and that Top Trumps decks featuring prominent city landmarks are now available at the Town Hall bookshop at a very reasonable £2.50 per pack.

Ziv considered Dave's sudden interest in cards to be nothing more than a desperate attempt to moderate Decko's blood pressure by talking about the first thing that came into his head. He added that there is little concrete evidence to support the thesis that Mike Dean really is the Antichrist.

Mikey observed that football teams that fail to turn up tend not to win things. At about this time, the Council's table inexplicably assumed an inverted orientation. Denise advised everyone present that no drinks would be served until they had collectively thrown Decko out, and that she would observe proceedings personally to make sure that the departing gentleman landed on his head.

Mikey instructed Dave to get the drinks in, noting his own generosity in passing up the chance to pay for a three-handed round. He presumed that Decko's recently-incurred injuries were Tevez's fault.

The Council was convened in order to consider Decko's scheme to look after Our Boys in Afghanistan.

Decko has noticed that there are currently around half a zillion unsold motor vehicles standing forlornly in fields all over the UK. This gives us an excellent opportunity to re-energise British manufacturing industry by recovering them all and converting them to radio control. They can then be shipped to Helmand Province, where they will be used to lead convoys under remote control. A few hundred thousand can be blown to pieces and nobody will mind, while the surviving vehicles can be donated gratis to locals in a "Grass on the Taleban and Get a Free Car" campaign.

The Council nonetheless decided to stick with its original proposal of repatriating the troops and replacing them with the House of Commons.