h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The Council recognized that in addition to reducing public service spending such a move would go some way towards reducing the £45bn pension bill that dwarfs the defence budget.

In a question from the floor, the Council was asked how much of the 'Defense Kit' was made in Britain. It was pointed out that to become Great, Britain circulated wealth among the people by building its own ships with which to explore the world and fight our wars.

The Council debated the merits of offering a parliamentary candidate at the coming general election.

Ziv noted that the imminent battle will be the most important ever fought on British soil, and that the present government was now conspicuously cultivating a constituency of turkeys in the cynical expectation they won't vote for Christmas. The project that Thatcher was too soft to prosecute now hung in the balance, and it was now or never for reducing the abysmal overhead known as the public sector to its appropriate economic circumstances.

Dave wondered if that kind of talk was ever likely to get people on Ziv's side. Decko observed that he’d been thinking exactly the same thing, only now that it was Dave who’d protested, Ziv suddenly somehow seemed eminently reasonable. Dave was thereupon instructed to get the drinks in.

Ziv further proposed that the prospective MP’s manifesto should contain the following policies:
- A maximum life tenure of ten years for public sector employees, after which all salaries revert to minimum wage
- Levels of personal taxation directly geared to vocational contribution to balance of trade
- All teachers required to resit A-levels annually, including mathematics as a compulsory subject along with all those taught by the individual concerned. Failure to attain straight A’s to result in summary dismissal.

Decko felt that these measures might struggle to win widespread public support, and that adding something to punish bankers was needed to redress the balance. Mickey, who had hitherto not spoken in the debate, reminded the Council that its declared policy on bankers was to eat them.

Dave returned from the bar, and noted that Denise the Barmaid thought that the prospective candidate should be a woman. Decko advised that he would like to contribute to her deposit if she chose to stand, or indeed to adopt any other position.

A debate ensued about the name of the new party, since it was clearly not going to be affiliated with any existing ones. The Supreme Party of the British Oak was regretfully rejected on the grounds that it sounded a bit too nationalistic. A working title of the 'Get Rid of All Politicians' party was adopted.

The motion that Denise would stand for parliament was passed unanimously. Since she declined to write her own manifesto for anything announcing itself as GROAP, it was decided that a single member of the Council would prepare a first draft. Ziv appeared to have lost interest and declared himself too busy, while Dave was judged by the other members to be too ignorant of politics. Denise warned that if Decko wrote it, then they could all say goodbye to her co-operation.

Mickey is therefore writing the manifesto, on the understanding that it will contain no references to factory farming of the financial services sector, and that he tries not to chew the pencil.

Without doubt GROAP has every chance of success. Stay well clear of financial complications, put a one arm bandit in corner of the British Oak snug, declare it as the fund raiser and the cash will roll in without any knightly promises. You have a worthy objective and deserve to succeed. You should take a look at those public sector workers who are drawing a pension and at the same time as holding down another public sector job.

The Council noted that there are fewer people about since the incident. Decko seemed a little bewildered as he approached the table. Ziv looked pensive. Denise, behind the bar, appeared subdued. There was nobody else to be seen.

Ziv was matter-of-fact about what had happened. Everybody on earth had simply transformed into one of three forms. Those who were only in it for themselves transformed into spiders, and this accounted for the non-appearance of Mickey. Those who were essentially useless transformed into slugs, which explained the absence of Dave. Everyone else changed into birds, and proceeded to eat the spiders and the slugs. At the end of the day, only the birds changed back into humans.

Decko took a little while to assimilate this somewhat alarming news. Ziv affirmed that the three present, along with the rest of the remaining population of earth, must temporarily have been birds.

“But you must have been pretty damn close to the slug borderline”, he added.

“And you must have been pretty damn close to spiderhood”, rejoined Denise.

Decko considered the uncomfortable possibility that he might have eaten Mickey. There was a bit of poetic justice about it, though.

Ziv explained that nobody actually remembered any of this. They’d worked it out from CCTV, and reported it on the internet. There weren’t very many professional journalists left, after all. The Daily Mail no longer existed.

The population of the earth was about 30% of what it had been the night before. The remainder were somewhat age-skewed, with 90% of under-15’s surviving, but only about 1% of over-60’s. Mothers were now a lot more common than fathers. Some regions seemed to have been particularly drastically affected. The United States seemed rather quiet. It was starting to look like Australians had become extinct.

“It’s sad really”, declared Decko, oblivious to the bathos of this remark. Ziv snorted. He didn’t actually say it was the best thing that could have happened, but the others knew that was what he was thinking.

“Is there still going to be an election?”, wondered Decko. Ziv said there would probably have to be one eventually, but for the time being we could make do with the two surviving MPs. There were still plenty of people who could do things after all, like grow food and fix machines and nurse the sick. The sudden dearth of tax collectors was probably tolerable.

“We never got to see Mickey’s manifesto”, said Decko glumly. He began to cry. Ziv and Denise were suddenly canaries, and flew out of the window. “Oh damn”, thought Decko as he clutched the hem of the duvet. “I’m going to wake up”.

All will be revealed in a few days time. The IMF seem to have gone Global:-
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/8633455.stm
What chance the Council could influence other International Institutions to follow suit.
An international holding station for asylum seekers would be helpful.

This post has been removed.

Have no fear there is every chance that Nick and Dave will sort it out.

The Supreme Council of the British Oak debated its candidate’s performance in the General Election. Ms Postlethwaite’s achievement in coming fourth has stunned the constituency. She beat several other minority parties, some of whom were not even Nazis.

Encouraged by this success, the Council voted to formally constitute the new party, and to prepare for Government. Ziv was unanimously elected as party leader, and undertook to re-write the manifesto, on account of the fact that Mickey’s effort, while better than anyone expected, was still rubbish.

Ziv will also draft a press release. This will not contain Decko’s observation that it was no surprise to him that all those ending up below Denise lost their deposits. Nor will it refer to the rumour that Ms Postlethwaite once shagged Nick Clegg, even though this is generally agreed to have done no harm at all to her electoral popularity.

Denise herself is conspicuously energised by the experience. She vigorously denounces the idea that her success is in any way connected with the tightness of her blouse, and dismisses the suggestion that she benefitted from the city council’s generous but bizarre decision to use her pub as a polling station. Though no longer a peerless head-turner in the clubs, she nonetheless rediscovered the power and pleasure of her womanhood when set against the strident, menopausal and improbably red-haired women who seem to proliferate at the hustings. By the time the big day came, she was positively glowing with confidence and fake tan.

Ziv meanwhile observes that the Public has Voted for Transformation. He Vows to Govern on Another Axis. The new party will represent useful people in all walks of life, from professionals to skilled tradesmen. Public servants will have nothing to fear, provided that they really do serve. Bankers will be welcome, provided they actually lend, and at fair interest. The traditional parties’ tribulations are a result of them having wasters among their supporters. Those who propagate administration, or who interrupt the flow of capital, will be cast down. Those who can will do. Conversely, those who can’t teach, won’t teach.

When asked to explain, like those other parties didn’t, exactly where his cuts would fall, Ziv illustrated his answer by referring to a minor BBC website called h2g2. According to Ziv, this site has a breath-taking preponderance of underachieving whingers, none of whom appear to have a proper job. Ironically enough, very few of them seemed to have heard of the B-Ark.

There must be something about archipelagos. Scotland’s economy (though not its climate) is pretty much the same as Greece’s, except that the Scots have never actually had a civilisation and prefer deep-fried Mars bars to ambrosia. Politics in the two places has similarities too, a bit out of kilter with the rest of the continent, prone to riot and in need of some corrective discipline. Anyway, Ziv’s idea is to move everyone we don’t need to Scotland (including those h2g2 types, and possibly Dave unless he pulls his socks up), and then allow the the place to celebrate its independence, with the encouragement of the armed forces if necessary. After that, the plan is to sell it off for 170 billion, or whatever the deficit is. OK, it might be a bit optimistic expecting anyone to pay that much for Scotland, but as long as we don’t have to stump up for having it removed, any reasonable offer will be considered.

The Council listened with interest to Mickey's report that important leaked documents have been discovered in the hostelry at the bottom of the hill, namely the Heaving Collier.

Pinned to the inside of the rightmost cabinet door of the dartboard (last used circa 2007), there was what appears to be a First Generation Copy, fashioned by Xerox machine, of an unclad female posterior. Mickey now offered it to the Council for their perusal and considered attribution.

Decko was able to confirm Mickey's excited suspicions that at the time of the original appearance of this image, it was widely reported to portray the lower portions of Ms Denise Postlethwaite.

Denise accused all present of disgusting behaviour and attempted to impose a universal life ban. Decko replied by announcing that Denise should be proud to have made such a prominent and enduring contribution to local culture. Many people remembered its appearance with affection, and indeed Decko himself was now reminded of why he felt a wave of nostalgia whenever he opened a tin of cling peaches.

Denise did not handle this crisis with her usual aplomb, retreating into the back room amid a stream of profanities and sobs. Mickey observed that Denise is one of the many unconsidered victims of the smoking ban, which in her case has robbed her of her Riposte of First Resort, namely the hurling of a bartop ashtray.

Ziv then recounted a tale of espionage brought to mind by the now beer-sodden photocopy. The Council were astonished, and Dave suggested that the story should be offered to Peer Review.

Ziv will think about it.