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Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 21

You can call me TC

I doubt if it would even have a wheel - it is probably driven by thoughts.


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 22

minorvogonpoet

This is great stuff.! smiley - applause

I'm interested in the oat bran cream puffs.smiley - erm If you tried to make them smiley - chefI don't think they'd puff. smiley - sadface


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 23

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

November 6

"Blindfolds off," said Dimity cheerfully.

Lestrade looked around, blinking. "It's just an alley between two buildings," he exclaimed.

"Of course it is," Dimity said. "We can't let anyone else see us. You know, GCP and all that. Jessica is waiting in front with a local connection, her cousin I believe."

Lestrade out of the car. With a *poof* the car vanished. He walked out to the street, which was filled with quaint touristy type shops, with stores for the locals mixed in here and there.

Jessica stood in front of a coffee shop which was called Wee Deoch an' Donut. She was tall and blond, with a square jaw, dimpled cheeks, and sparkling eyes. "Inspector Lestrade?"

He nodded.

"I'm Jessica Fletch, and this is my cousin Jonathan Flyntch."

Jonathan was as tall as Jessica, but his hair was raven black. Otherwise, they looked so much alike that they could have brother and sister.

"Is this where the oat bran cream puffs are sold?" Lestrade asked as they entered the Wee Deoch and Doris.

Jessica rolled her eyes. "I think they have to give them away most of the time," she said, ushering her companions to a little table next to the wall, where a poster on the local Scottish whaling industry was prominently displayed.

"Was the town settled by Scots?" Lestrade wondered.

Jonathan nodded. "You'd be surprised how much of a draw Scottish whalers are for the tourist industry," he explained.

"Sometimes without a shred of good taste, though," Jessica said with a sigh. "Jonathan and I grew up in the Plaid Whale Inn, which our grandparents ran."

"Are there actually any plaid whales?" Lestrade asked

"Just oatmeal and cabbage," Jonathan said, "hence the town's name."

"Except it was intended as sarcasm," Jessica added, "cabbage being a synonym for money, as in tourist money. Anyway, while you're here you might asd well try Rumbledethumps, an authentic Scottish pie made of cabbage, potatoes, and cheese."

"With oat bran cream puffs for dessert?" Lestrade asked as the waiter arrived to take their order.


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 24

minorvogonpoet

I like the plaid whales! I want a picture. smiley - smiley


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 25

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

I don't hve any pictures, but I can bore you silly with details about the mystery series I'm satirizing smiley - tongueout

Aunt Dimity is a ghost character in the Aunt Dimity series by Nancy Aherton
http://www.aunt-dimity.com/

Dreyfus was the main foil for Inspector Clouseau in the Pink panther movies.

Inspector Lestrade was the officious Scotland Yard detective who was constantly upstaged by Sherlock Holmes.

J. B. Fletcher was a mystery writer in the TV series "Murder she wrote." She lived in the fictitious town of Cabot Cove, Maine. Since the series filmed on the West coast, the producers used a town on the Oregon coast instead. The J stood for Jessica.

Fletch was a detective in Gregory McDonald's mystery books. Flynn was another character invented by McDonald. Leave it to me to satirize both characters by making Jessica Fletch and Jonathan Flyntch cousins. I had some fun making them slightly resemble Angelia Lansbury and Chevy Chase, who played J B Fletcher and Fletch onscreen.

Wait, there's more: the Plaid Whale Inn is my satire on the Gray Whale Inn, the setting for mystery stories by Karen McInerny
http://karenmacinerney.com/

There will be more satire in days to come smiley - biggrin.


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 26

minorvogonpoet

smiley - ok


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 27

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

November 7

"We don't serve those any more," the waiter said. "Too many customers felt ill after eating them."

"Did you make them yourself?" Jonathan Flyntch asked.

"No, we had them shipped in from the Blue Violet Tea Shop in Chartreuse, South Carolina."

Numerous eyebrows went up at this revelation. The three detectives ordered coffee and Plaid Whale muffins -- which contained raisins, cranberries, and white chocolate bits. The muffins arrived in wrappers that sported then image of a gray whale in a plaid suit. Lestrade had to admit that the whale looked remarkably dapper.

"I think I've met the proprietress of the Blue Violet Tea Shop," Jessica said as they were leaving the Wee Deoch and Donut.

As they passed the alley, they noticed that Dimity was waiting for them with a somewhat larger vehicle.

"How did you know we'd need to go somewhere?" Lestrade asked her.

"Inspector, I must remind you again that good detective skills don't go away when one dies," Dimity said.

Not only was the car larger, but Dimity had three sets of blindfolds for her passengers.

The Blue Violet Tea Shop was in the old section of Chartreuse. Elegant antebellum homes with beautiful gardens and magnolia trees lined a quiet street. A woman with bright red hair and intelligent eyes welcomed them into the shop, which had lavish displays of tea products, interspersed with vintage teapots.


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 28

minorvogonpoet

There's quite a lot of food smiley - cakein this story!


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 29

Pierre de la Mer ~ sometimes slightly worried but never panicking ~

And that surprises you? smiley - winkeye

smiley - pirate


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 30

FWR

Ghosts. Whales in suits and stuff a lot less startling than victuals


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 31

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

November 8

"Hi, I'm Theda Ocher," the woman said. "Today's special is gunpowder green tea with
marmalade scones."

"Do you serve oat bran scones?" Jessica asked.

Theda frowned. "I can whip one up for you -- there are plenty of shells left, and whipping cream takes no time at all. But may I ask why you would want one?"

"We're detectives looking for clues to the Cream Puff Killer murders in London," Jessica said.

"Oh, the wrappers," Theda exclaimed. "I read about them. We don't put them in wrappers. At least, the one-armed man who sold us the shells didn't give us any. But if you'd like the rest of our shells, take them with my blessing. Nobody likes the darn things."

"Well, while we're here, we might as well try the specials you just mentioned, "Jonathan said.

"Is it my imagination, or is everything named after a color here?" Lestrade wondered after Theda left. The others rolled their eyes.

"We need to find out more about the one-armed man," Jessica said.

"Here are the shells," Theda said, bringing them a box with the words "Loch Bun Bakers"
on the sides.

"It's a Scottish company," Lestrade said, peering at the box through a magnifying glass.

When Theda brought the tea and scones, Lestrade asked her about the one-armed man.

"His name was Fred Jackson, and he was trying to interest the American market in some delicious but healthy snacks," Theda said. "I don't know about healthy -- oat bran is supposed to keep your cholesterol low -- but delicious they were not!"

"Looks like a trip to Scotland," Lestrade as he left the tea shop with Jessica and Jonathan.

"You probably want to go alone," Jessica said. "Off the Beaten Track has other cases to solve, and I'm behind in most of them."

"Well, thanks for helping. We're making slow progress, at least I hope so."


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 32

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

I've mapped out some more episodes. Theres more weirdness on the way.

smiley - weirdsmiley - biggrin


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 33

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant


November 9

"You seem disappointed, Inspector," Dimity said to Lestrade as the Interdimensional Express left South Carolina for the United Kingdom.

"I had hoped to have Jessica's help when we arrive in Scotland."

"She's pretty, isn't she," Dimity winked. "Technically, I'm the agent assigned to your case, and as you can see, I'm right here beside you. That won't change. What will change is our itinerary. We're not going straight to Scotland. Rather, I'm going to the tiny village of Bloody Starlings in the Cotswolds. I want you to see the house I lived in when I was alive."

"I'm sure it's lovely, but do we have time for a social call?"

"Not just social, Inspector. I bequeathed the house to my niece Lorelei, who happens to be an accomplished scientist. There's a lab in her house where she detects poisons and anomalies in material brought in from crime scenes. She will closely examine the oat bran and send her analysis to Scotland yard so the crime lab there can tell whether it's the same as the oat bran the Killer used. She has helped Scotland Yard many times, as you must surely know.

Lestrade hit his head with his fist. "Of course! Her code name is Starling Siren, isn't it?"

Dimity nodded. "And if you're nice to her, she could be valuable as an extra detective in Loch Bun."

Lestrade was going to say, "Why wouldn't I be nice?" but the Interdimensional Express chose that moment to stop. The blindfold came off and he looked out the window at a charming cottage with roses and ivy growing along the front. An attractive thirtyish woman was standing by the front walk to greet them.

"Hi, I'm Lorelei," she said, helping Lestrade out of the car. "My lab is set up. I will fax my results to the yard ASAP."

Lestrade handed her the box of oat bran shells. She carefully examined one. "I think something is off about these," she commented. "They're a bit heavier than they should be, and they don't smell quite right. Oh, and Inspector Lestrade, feel free to catch the sights in town, but don't stand under the bloody starlings. They make a terrible mess!"

Dimity nudged Lestrade in the ribs. "Admit it, you're thinking that my niece is one of the sights. But don't get carried away. Her husband is a lawyer, and her sons could try the patience of a saint. What you *can* hope for is a tasty meal. I've asked her to make her special beef stew for us. And there's no oat bran in it!"


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 34

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant


November 10

"Lunch will be ready in about an hour," Lorelei told Lestrade. "You can make yourself at home here, or I could ask the Vicar's wife to show you around the town."

Iris Robins was the Vicar's wife. She was dressed in tweed. "Watch out for the puddles and the starling droppings," she cautioned Lestrade as she led him past the church, where an overgrown garden seemed to mock the building's dignified presence. There was a wishing well further along, and a charming bridge, and all sorts of townspeople walking around a pleasant Cotswold town square.

The general store hosted the local post office, where a bossy lady kept things in order. There seemed to be only two things missing: a town drunk, and a village idiot. Not that Lestrade was complaining. There was a cafe next to an enormous shade tree. he avoided that, as the branches were full of starlings.

Back at Lorelei's house, he enjoyed a hearty meal of beef stew. Unlike the other places he had gone lately, Aunt Dimity was in full view at the table.

"I'll send my findings along to Scotland Yard later today, Lorelei said. "It's a terrible case, and I would like to help bring the killer to justice."

"We're frankly stumped by that case," Lestrade admitted. "The victims were all dead before they were stabbed. There are no signs of strangulation or other physical violence. That leaves only poison as a cause, but the labs could find no evidence of it. No witnesses either. You'll be a miracle worker if you can sort this out."

"Me, work miracles? Well, I've not been all that successful at keeping the twins under control," Lorelei admitted. "It would take a real miracle to do that."

The next stop was Loch Bunthorne in northern Scotland. Lestrade hoped to find the bakery where the mysterious oat bran shells had been baked, but first he had to be introduced to yet another colorful local character. In this case, it was a charming woman named Beth MacHamlet, the first women to serve as a local constable. Beth asked Lestrade to stay for tea, which was accompanied by an oat scone from Loch Bun Bakery.
He accidentally dropped part of his scone on the floor, where Slugger, beth's dog, ate it along with part of a caraway seed bun that had fallen earlier.

Suddenly, the dog was choking and writhing on the floor.


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 35

minorvogonpoet

A case of ergot poisoning? smiley - erm


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 36

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

smiley - biggrin

More like an unforeseen interaction.

I almost feel apologizing to Nancy Atherton, whose books about the ghostly Aunt Dimity are being parodied here. Nancy sets her stories in Finch [not Bloody Starlings]. The Vicar's wife is Lilian Bunting, not iris Robins. Lori is not Aunt Dimity's niece, but the daughter of a friend. More importantly, Lori is not a laboratory scientist who does work for Scotland Yard. But anyway.

Loch Bunthorne stands in for Lochdubh, the ficitonal setting for M C Beaton's mysteries about Hamish Macbeth. You can almost see the author conflating two Shakespearean plays [Hamlet and Macbeth] into one name. I've done the same by transposing syllables: Beth MacHamlet.


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 37

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant


November 1l

Inspector Lestrade and Beth MacHamlet rushed the dog to the local animal hospital.
While they were waiting for the veterinarian to find what was wrong, Lestrade's cell phone rang.

"Lestrade, it's Lorelei in Bloody Starlings" came the voice on the other end. "I have preliminary results for my analysis of the oat bran shells."

Lestrade walked to a corner of the waiting room so he could have some privacy. "What have you found?" he asked.

"There's a match between the oats in the shells and the oat content in the crumbs from the Cream Puff Killer's wrappers. Otherwise, only one thing differs between the two samples."

"Really? What is the difference?"

"There are traces of caraway seed in the wrappers, but not in the shells you gave me."

"That's really strange. How could caraway seeds be deadly?"

"In this case, the caraways seeds should not have been given to the dog. They're toxic for dogs."

"I should tell Beth and the doctor, then," Lestrade said.

With his stomach pumped out, Slugger responded well, and was soon on the mend. A happy conclusion for that crisis, and yet something nagged at Lestrade's mind.

Back at the station, Lestrade asked Beth to tell him what she knew about the Loch Bun bakery.

"Well, they've been here about ten years. They grow their own oats, in a field next to the bakery. Brilford Whimsley runs the operations, and his sister Sara does all the baking. Fred Jackson is an assistant of some sort. He seems to be on the road a lot as some kind of salesman."


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 38

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant


November 12

Just then Beth's phone rang. Her eyebrows went up when she heard what the caller had to say.

"Speak of the Devil," she told Lestrade softly, covering up the receiver. "Sarah is on the line, but not with good news. She's filing a missing persons report on Brilford and Fred."

"Ask her if she'd like us to come down to the bakery and talk to her," Lestrade suggested.

Beth relayed this message, explaining that an Inspector had come all the way from Scotland Yard to speak with them, and would like to hear what she had to say.

Lestrade expected to ride in Beth's car, but the bakery was just across the street and down a few houses. They walked over.

Sarah Crocker was short and plump. In happier times she might have smiled a lot, but now there were worry lines across her brow. The bakery was clean and well-managed, a testament to her efficiency.

"Fred Jackson came here yesterday morning and asked Brilford to come with him," Sarah said. "neither of them said a word to me, but I saw them leave with a third man."

"Could you describe him?" Lestrade asked.

"I could see the bulge of a firearm in his jacket," she said. "They seemed upset, which I took to mean a forced abduction. They had never been known to leave in that way before. That's why I've come to you," she told Beth. "If Scotland Yard in interested in them, I'm even more worried," she added with a glance at Lestrade.

"Has your brother ever confided in you about the business side of the bakery?" Lestrade asked.

"I basically follow orders and bake and keep the customers happy," Sarah said. "Not many of them like the oat bran products, but we do a good business in oatmeal bread, rolled oats, and oat scones."

"How long have you been making oat bran cream puff shells?" Lestrade asked.

"Less than six months. When I told Brilford no one in their right mind would eat them, he laughed and said he intended to sell them worldwide. He thought there was a market for oat bran cream puffs."

"Have you seen reports on the news about the ladies who were killed by an assailant who left oat bran cream puff wrapper next to them?"

"Yes. I can't imagine why anyone would do that, or why those wrappers would be involved."

Could you show us one of the wrappers you use?"

When Sarah handed over a wrapper, Lestrade put it in an evidence bag.

"It would help us if we knew a little bit more about your brother and his assistant," Beth said softly.

"There's not much to tell," Sarah said. "We're from Paris originally. Loki Whimsley, our father, was always looking for the next business opportunity, so he dragged us around from country to country. When oats and oat bran became famous for reducing cholesterol levels, he brought us here and bought a bakery to cash in on the profits he expected to find. Mom got hooked on Scottish cuisine and gained a lot of weight -- something that the Parisians would have frowned on. Dad pulled some strings and got Brilford a job touting oat products with the slogan 'It's the right way to eat.'"

"Does your family subscribe to any particular religion?" Lestrade asked.

"Not really, except for Mom, who was a high church Unitarian."


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 39

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant


November 13

There was a knock at the door. "We're closed for the night," Sarah hollered.

"Surely you would be open to family, no?" came a cultivated voice.

"It's Lord Peter Whimsley," Sarah said, getting up and opening the door.

"I expected you to be older, somehow," Lestrade told Lord Peter, introducing himself.

"Oh, the person you were expecting was my grandfather," Lord Peter said, shaking hands all around. "He'd be at least 110 if he were still with us. I'm Lord Peter the Third. I see you have guests, Sarah. I just dropped in to see if there was any news about Brilford. He was always my favorite cousin -- after you, of course, Sarah."

"Are you involved in murder investigations like your grandfather?" Lestrade asked.

"I learned a lot from him when I was much younger, but I'm more of a defense lawyer now," Lord Peter said. To Sarah he said, "Would you happen to have some tea and a scone?"

Sarah brought the tea tray. Lord Peter put a drop of caraway extract in his tea for his digestion. He took a sip. When he started eating the scone, however, he began to turn blue and passed out.

"Two emergency room visits in one day. This can't be a good omen," Beth muttered as she helped the medical technicians put Lord Peter into the ambulance for transport.

"Be careful not to get Lord Peter's coat dirty," Sarah cautioned them.

"Is Lord Peter particular about his clothing?" Lestrade asked as he sat beside Sarah.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "He has nine tailors."


Off the BeatenTrack Detective Agency (Najopomo)

Post 40

paulh, vaccinated against the Omigod Variant

Attention: Dimitri and anyone else who would like to follow this story in a guide entry, here is the link to a guide entry for eisodes 1-15

A87899323

Besides making it easier for the Post access this material, there are two episodes [14 and 15] that haven't even been posted yet.

As Dimiti would say, you're welcome! smiley - tongueout


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