h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I got one question wrong on my theory test - though I didn't have to go through all that video stuff. I know exactly what question it was - it was "name the jockey wheel on a trailer" (that wasn't the question you fools, that's what is was asking) for the life of me I couldn't remember.

Hmmm that reminds me, my driving licence has my old address on it. I had better get that changed.

Enough of this frivolity. I'm in a net café in Glasgow. Where are you lot posting from?

Liam.

...*bends and lifts her skirt...*Bite me! That's where I'm from.
Read my Home Page Hon, I didn't put it there so I'd be spending all my time being redundant. Why's everyone looking at me like that?~~~~~~~~~
...*a note flutters to the ground like a feather on a windless day...it reads...:*
naturally everyone else may answer as they like...after all..'I' did

>...*bends and lifts her skirt...*Bite me! <

Don't bloody tempt me woman.

I have read your home page. But I can't tell if you've run off to Uzbekistan to use a web terminal or you're wandering round with a GPRS handheld. I live near London, but I'm 300 miles away from home at the moment (that's a long way for a Brit). Just wondering that was all, and you reply like that

Liam.

I was born on the Irish Sea, grew up near Liverpool (on the Wirral) with summer excursions to various Gaelic-speaking bits of Scotland. Then I spent 4 years in London at Uni and am now just starting my 4th year at Uni (for the second time) in Oxford. I do not have a scouse accent, for which I am very grateful.

*Kitty complains of being over 30,000 years away from HIS home*

...*tosses Kitty some of his favorite fishcycles...*

Poor Liam! I didn't realise you were so *ahem* FAR from home. ...*300 miles......a flippin' day trip...* So, Liam, I never realised you were a nancy boy.Must be hard for you being so *ahem* FAR from home an' all.
I'm sitting in my cabin in the USA Countryside...all warm and snuggled at my imac...fire dancing on the hearth...pumpkins aglow.
Care for some herbel tea? I've made it the way my grandmother made it...fresh mint, fresh squeezed grapes, a bit of lemon...sugar...
There, there...don'tcha' feel better now?

Oops - neglected thread. Sorry Pan - better?

Listen, 300 miles away from home is a long way, it's in a different country for a start and they speak a different language! Nancy boy indeed. I should book a flight over to your log cabin an show you a real man looks like - I've got a picture in my wallet.

Grapes in tea? What a strange idea, but yeah I'll try some.

>here, there...don'tcha' feel better now?<

After and ing?! Of course

Liam.

My god I went by complete accident (!) to one of yahoos chatrooms last week ,I was absolutely terrified!!!! When I read this thread on my space I thought it was deja vu...Biting ,real men,lifting skirts.I wish I hadn't had such a Methodist upbringing;I'm terrified of flirting with anyone these days in case they are attatched.Pity,I used to be reeaally good at it(sighs wistfully)

Aww come on Lady L. You can do it

Liam.

It bites deep,young keeper of soft furnishings. I suppose you were bought up any old how and got your moral standards from watching Byker Grove...(envy and wistfulness vie for first place in this long drawn out sigh)

Ah Byker Grooove man, wye aye. Don't forget Grange Hill, Trap Door and Count Duckula. A fine upbringing if you ask me

Liam.

These days if its alright in Albert Square I does it. Only another week till my latest hearing comes up.I'm out on bail,I'm out of jail and thats the way it goes,frreebase!!

Don't. Do it! Do it! It may well be twice as sweet as sugar and twice as pure as snow but at the end of the day you won't be looking half as Flash.

Twice as bitter as salt,surely. You must be a lot older than ithought if senility is already creeping up on you in that insidious mangling a rap lyric kind of way.Or do you have an in law called Richard?

I am 61 years old and a huge fan of many artists on Sugarhill Records, particularly Max Bygraves, Vera Lynn, Busy Bee, The Sugarhill Gang, Joe Longthorn and Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five.

I personally never thought a great deal of Grandmaster Melle Mel's feeble attempts at replacing the Grander and more Masterful Flash though.

Don'cha ever come down FREEBASE!

All the East Coast rappers are girls. Nelly,Melly,Kelly.The only 'hoods they know about are the ones on their 'new mod'real fur lined parkas. Still haven't worked out what AK47 means in girly boy rapper parlance!

I recently had the pleasure of hearing a delightful 'rap song' as the youngsters call it, by a gentleman known as Big Pun who was a 28 stone Puerto Rican former crack dealer before he went and died of being a big fatty.

A clue to his style; many were calling him the black Byron before he died, and he didn't even have a sister.

Piture the scene, the serene sound of lutes being plucked, 45 seconds of 'King John' music, followed by the incendiary sound of Mr Big Pun hollering

'I don' givva f**k, till I die I'ma live it up...' followed by threats of 'helicoptering your ass about a block and a half!' because he's 'gonna rhyme with his n*****s!'

[EXTRACTS FROM BIG PUN - OFF WIT' HIS HEAD]

The trouble with you is this.In your efforts to be a trendy,in wiv the kids and down with the brothers type vicar you have failed to grasp that the key to this new younger generation is to conform like mad.They are even too frightened to write their own songs and can only cover other peoples songs if the other people get to guest appear.I despair of this generation. In my day when we saw a whole bunch of rock dinosaurs on TOTP we shouted enough and invented Punk(hoorah) These days they go around begging rock'legends' to sing with them on children in need.

You invented punk? What did you do? Burn some potassium over a bunsen burner and come up with The Stooges, and then after testing this in some benedicts regent find out that you had the Pistols, Clash and the Buzzcocks.

What went wrong? Did you get Garry Bushell to hold the teat pipette and while you were away he dropped some digestive biscuit in it and unleashed The Cockney Rejects and Tenpole Tudor upon the world. The little rotter. Tho' 'Oi Oi Oi' can be good fun on a night out as well as the song which encapsulates my formative years 'I'm Not A Fool!'

The most hideously disturbing thing that my 'posse' in Dalston have gotten me on to is the recent revival of Phukin' Phil Collins as some kind of 'ghetto-fabulous' rude-boy. I have to be careful now, at the risk of sounding like an Ali-G impersonating tosser (terrible terrible idiot scum - see article on imitation for reference).

Liam. Now I feel far from home....*runs into Liams arms...near where he keeps the picture of what a real man looks like...*
Hold me, I'm scared.