h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm not even close to qualifying

I'm glad it didn't say anything about modesty.... Pan, I'm almost the man of your dream!!



Bassman

So what are you saying - you've heard it all before?



Bassman

Those ARE the 'men' of my dreams.

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f * cking putt, didn't you?"

An oldie, but a goldie....



Bassman

I've not heard it before! LOL! hahaha...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Bassman

Gives a whole new meaning to, "But Honey, face the music."

2cd ann. HARVEST FESTIVAL A1143893

A scientist from Southampton University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of men where they proceeded to kick the crap out of him.

I landed the first Punch.

I also landed the first one on the guy that invented the minimising bra.



Bassman

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she
climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl.
"She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."

ROFL



Bassman

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
he's pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

Bassman

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together
behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle
and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."
The male statue asks the woman statue,
"Would you like to do it again?"
"Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh*t on its head.