h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How?

Morris the jeweler called the police station to report a robbery --
"You'll never believe what happened, Officer. A truck backed up to
my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my
plate glass window, tuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and
climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled
away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification
purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked Morris.

"Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears
and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. "He
had a stocking over his head."

You crazy kids carry on....I shall return in April.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long
black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50-feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull terrier on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue"

Bassman

> > LITTLE BILLY ON...GETTING OLDER
> > >> > >
> > >> > >
> > >> > > Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching
> > >> > > on one candy bar after another.
> > >> > > After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from
> > >> > > him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy
> > >> > > isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
> > >> > > your teeth, and make you fat."
> > >> > >
> > >> > > Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be
> > >> > > 107 years old."
> > >> > >
> > >> > > "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather
> > >> > > eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
> > >> > >
> > >> > > "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own
> > >> > > f*****g business!!"
> > >> > >
> > >> > >
> > >> > > LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
> > >> > >
> > >> > > A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds
> > >> > > sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how
> > >> > > many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > He replies, "None, they will all fly away with
> > >> > > the first gunshot."
> > >> > >
> > >> > > The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4,
> > >> > > but I like your thinking."
> > >> > >
> > >> > > Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for
> > >> > > YOU.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice
> > >> > > cream:
> > >> > > One is delicately licking the sides of the triple
> > >> > > scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down
> > >> > > the top and sucking the cone. The third is
> > >> > > biting off the top of the ice cream.
> > >> > > Which one is married?"
> > >> > >
> > >> > > The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,
> > >> > > "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the
> > >> > > top and sucked the cone."
> > >> > >
> > >> > > To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct
> > >> > > answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but
> > >> > > I like your thinking."
> > >> > >
> > >> > >
> > >> > > LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
> > >> > >
> > >> > > Little BILLY returns home from school and says he
> > >> > > got an F in arithmetic.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > "Why?" asks the father."
> > >> > >
> > >> > > "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6,"
> > >> > > replied BILLY.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > "But that's right!" says his dad.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
> > >> > >
> > >> > > "What's the f*****g difference?" asks the father?
> > >> > >
> > >> > > "That's what I said!"
> > >> > >
> > >> > >
> > >> > > LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
> > >> > >
> > >> > > Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher
> > >> > > says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable
> > >> > > words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
> > >> > > multi-syllable word?"
> > >> > >
> > >> > > BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
> > >> > >
> > >> > > Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY,
> > >> > > that's a mouthful."
> > >> > >
> > >> > > Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're
> > >> > > thinking of a blowjob."
> > >> > >
> > >> > >
> > >> > > LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
> > >> > >
> > >> > > One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the
> > >> > > teacher asked for a show of hands from those who
> > >> > > could use the word "beautiful" in the same
> > >> > > sentence twice.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > First she called on little Suzie, who responded
> > >> > > with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful
> > >> > > dress and she looked beautiful in it."
> > >> > >
> > >> > > "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She
> > >> > > then called on little Michael.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it
> > >> > > turned out beautifully."
> > >> > >
> > >> > > The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
> > >> > > Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told
> > >> > > my father that she was pregnant, and he said
> > >> > > "Beautiful, just f*****g beautiful."
> >
> >

>
>Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted.
>
>A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
>
>A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
>
>A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
>Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
>
>A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
>
>A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
>Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
>
>What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh
>
>Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
>
>A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

> > This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
> >
> > His wife says,"Where are you going?"
> >
> > He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
> >
> > And she said, "Are you sick?"
> >
> > "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
> >
> > So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. He said,"
> > Where are you going?"
> >
> > She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
> >
> > He said, "Why?"
> >
> > She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
> > going to get a tetanus shot."
> >

The Elmo Misunderstanding

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor
to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end
of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material
used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as
she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles,
and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several
minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and
says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your
job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Bassman

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a  pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had
a great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand  it any more. So
he went to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his.

He spent months with a shrink who finally gave  up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his  penis in the pickle
slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it.  Yossel gladly
agreed to do it the next day at  work.

The next day he came home from work very early,  about 11 AM . His
wife was very worried and asked why he was home so  early.

Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had to put
his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he  couldn't take
it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a  result.

Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his  pants and briefs,
only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She  looked back
up and said "I don't understand .. what happened to the  pickle
slicer"?






"I think she got fired  too."

Oy vey,y'all.

I heard that there had been some research carried out into what type of man a woman prefers at different time in her monthly cycle.

When she is ovulating, she prefers a hunky clean shaven sensitive type.

When she is menstruating, she doesn't care what he looks like, as long as he has a large pair of scissors embedded in his temple, a cricket bat stuck where the sun don't shine and he's on fire.



Bassman

(I apologise to those who don't know "Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men")

Bill and Ben are in the bath,
Bill goes "Flob-a-lob-a-lob"
Ben says "If that stinks I'm out of here"



Bill says to Ben "Flob-a-lob-a-lob"
Ben says "If you loved me, you'd swallow that"



Bassman

this being an easter-joke, i´m a little out of season, but anyway.. Golgatha, day 3; Jesus is hanging on the cross, severely sunburnt, dehydrated, weary.. in short; He´s at the end of his rope. A meaty mob of spectators is standing around, eating snacks and discussing the odds that iehova will descend to save the alleged messiah. A platoon of Roman soldiers is guarding the inner circle around the crosses, to make sure that noone else tries to do the lords job for him. Jesus´s discipel,Josef of arithmetrea is sitting on a rock, watching his master, when he notice that Jesus is looking straight at him. It seems as if he´s trying to get his attention,forming his name on dry lips. Josef rises abrubtly, hurls himself through the mob,and sensing no danger, he succeeds in weaving and knocking his way through the guards as well. He runs up the hill, and climbs the cross before anyone can get to stop him. -"You called on me master?" ..Jesus raises his head, stares at him with a tired smile; -.."Josef..?" - "Yes master, it is i, Josef, what is it you will tell me?" -.."Josef.." - "I am with you, master, tell me!" - .."Josef.. ..Josef,look.. We can see your house from up here.."

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."

..probly not really a joke, but anyhoo;
Chuang tsu and Huei shi was standing on the bridge crossing the river Hao.
C.T:"look at all them fish, swimming about amongst eachother.. That is the greatest pleasure a fish knows of.."
H.S:"considering that youre not a fish, how can you tell what pleases a fish?"
C.T:"considering that you are not me, how can you tell what i know about the pleasures of being a fish?"
H.S:"Well it should go to show ,that if i can´t tell what you know about a fish´s pleasure, because i am not you,.. how could you tell of the pleasures of being a fish, when u are in fact Chuang Tsu?"
C.T:"My friend, your very question shows that you know how i know.. I´m standing here on the Hao bridge; that is how i can tell.."