h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Nibble Nibble....



Bassman

Ooooooo two for the price of one.

you're obviouly feeling yourself again Pan

I usually let the fella's do that for me.

Sounds like the best thing....



Bassman

Should have a fresh stock of jokes by this afternoon



Bassman

Got Jokes? Ask Stu.

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I
was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded
approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

**********************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Two:
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

**********************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Three:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said,
"Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George!
Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact
my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

**********************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Four:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

***********************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Five:

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with
an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an
Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

************************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Six:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical
engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. " The
last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

*************************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

**************************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said
he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."

*************************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine:

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer
took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out,"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll
stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't
have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."



Bassman

...*claps hands together whilst giggeling...*

Q: What do you do when the wheels fall off your canoe, and your roof runs out of pancakes?




















A: It doesn't matter b/c your ice cream has no bones!

Q: What's red, sits in a tree and meo's?



























A: A retarted apple.

Welcom Belle.
Since I'm a Born Again Tart...that makes me a 're-Tart'. So, that last one, not so funny. Keep up the good w*rk!

-Osama B. dies´n arrives at the gates of hell. Devil comes to pick him up´n brief him on the current situation,sayin´ "Well,no doubt u have to join our community,just one catch;We´re all up on tenants right now,so, someone else will have to go.. But im sure we can work out a suitable arrangement,..c´mon, i´ll take u on a guided tour".. They come about a sulphor-lake, at the bottom of a steep,dark ravine, in which Hitler is skinny-dippin´, feeding on a pale-eyed fish.. "how´s that?" sez devil.. "eeh,not much of a swimmer, lived in the desert most of my life,don´t think it´s quite my thing.." sez Osama. "allrighty, no problemo,we´ll figure out something else.."sez devil.. Next, they come upon a huge,sunburned granite cliff, on top of the peak Idi Amin stands, sweating like a pig,n´toiling with a pick-axe, to reduce it all to rubble.. "maybe thats more like it,then?" asks devil.. "well,i guess,but, u see, ..i have this backbone-condition,.."sez Osama.. "Ahh!..OK.,i understand .." devil complies.. So,next, they come into a tastefully decorated,oval office, in which Bill Clinton sits gruntin´,behind a shiny desk in a huge,comfy armchair, getting deepthroat-head from a voluptuous darkhaired woman... "Well,then, how´s that?"asks devil.. "Hmm.."sez Osama,"Guess i could come to terms with that..." "Marvellous! See, i told you we´d work it out,didnt i?" sez devil, then turning towards the couple,sayin´"OK, youre out of here Monica.."

Another duck walks into the pharmacy, comes up to the clerk and sez: "Hi!..do you have any acorn?" .."No,we don´t,i´m afraid", the clerk replies politely.. "..ah?,..well,ok."sez the duck ,n´walks out again.. Next day ,same time,the duck comes in,walks up to the counter n´asks the clerk; "Hi!..-do you have any acorn?" .."no"sez the clerk,"as i told u yesterday, we don´t have any acorn here,this is a pharmacy,not a grocery,u know.." - .."ah?,..well.. Ok,then"sez the duck,walks out.. Next day,yes,same time again,the duck comes in, walks up to the clerk, n´sez"..HI!.. do u have any acorn?" .. -"NO,we DON´T,goddammit!" sez the clerk "-AND,if u come in here, one more f*ckin´time askin for acorn, i´ll nail your damn´feet to the porch!.." .."ah?..well..Ok.,then" sez the duck, n´walks out.. --NEVERTHELESS.. Next day,same time,same duck walks into the same pharmacy,right up to the same clerk,n´sez "Hi! ..Do you have any ..nails?" .."Eeh,no,..This is a pharmacy,we don´t sell nails.." ..- "ah? ..well.."sez the duck.. "..Ok.,then,..Do you have any acorn? ...

Osama joke....



Bassman

very well, how´bout this: ...Osama dies, comes up to HEAVEN, n´knocks insistently on the Pearly gates.. Sct.P. lids the door open ,peeps out, and,utterly surprised with who´s standin´there ,shakes his head in disbelief n´sez "I know that u´re a loonie, but..Are you completely deranged? After all the atrocities you´ve comitted, u cant be serious in tryin´to get in here..!?" .."oh no," Osama replies "Really not interrested in gettin´in,trust me!.. -Just wanted to tell u guys that u have less than five minutes to get th´hell OUT of there!!

!!!! duck joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

Oh yeah? Well, I know for a FACT that same blonde put a different puzzle together in only ONE hour.It even
said RIGHT on the box: 2-4.So there.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northwestern New Mexico when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag in the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment; then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said........."Good trade."