h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he
is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssssombody stole my car," the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wassss at the end of thiss key," the man replied.

About that time the cop looks down and sees that the man's
penis is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks
the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and,
without missing a beat, blurts out:

"SON OF A GUN---THEY GOT MY GIRLFRIEND, TOO!"<

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says, "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, will do." The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, Asians, and Americans, but never any Iraqis. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Iraqis in 'Star Trek'". President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

A pirate captain was out to retrieve his buried treasure. After
months of hard sailing his ship caught site of land, the land to
which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate
disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which
was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the
island...

Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain
and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to
get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire
leg below the knees was covered in swamp. It was at that time that
the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down,
searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest...

Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond
imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr,
matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank... proving once again, that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you
this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"

I jusssss love you guys.

>Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill. The
>first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He
>went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."
>
>
>The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident.
>All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I
>reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the
>Olympics."
>
>
>The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on
>cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight
>train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the
>horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Last year he became president of the
>United States."

...*waves American flag...*

***==

As my Uncle Terry use ta' say, "That guy adds to the great imbalance of nature. More horses as*es than there are horses."

>An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost
>everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
>move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this,
>Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
>never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the
>boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel
>chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened
>and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the
>boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light
>up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and
>then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls
>opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped
>out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
>son, "Go get your mother."

You just made me spit my tea all over the key pad!!!
And I've only recently gotten it unstuck from that last spit.
BWT...where's that elevator????

BTW......I jussss hate when that happens...I think it's something to do with sticky thingies on the key pad or sumthin'.

I shall take the stance of Richard Nixon (is he still dead?) and accept the responsibilty, but not the blame.

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old
as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room
for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a
large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man
can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already
getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

>The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the "Seven
>Dwarfs" they get ushered into see the Pope.
>
>Dopey leads the pack.
>
>"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
>
>Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
>Rome?"
>
>The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
>answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
>
>In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around
>and gives them a glare, silencing them.
>
>Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
>
>"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
>
>The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey,
>there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
>
>This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
>turns
>around and silences them all with an angry glare.
>
>Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope,! are there ANY dwarf
>nuns
>in the whole world?"
>
>The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
>the world."
>
>
>The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on
>the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
>
>"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
>
>"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of cyanide. The
pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted
it for.

The fellow said, "I want to kill my wife."

"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to
understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any cyanide."

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife, then
shows it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry, sir, I didn't realize
you had a prescription."

This post has been removed.

Sorry - didn't you like that one?



Bassman

I think there are RULES against slurs against entire races of people. Hmmmm...wonder if that'll ever catch on???

Bassman got MODERATED