h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Bovril King.... B. Perv (hons)

I have just read your space and see you are an alcoholic counseller... do you have any advice for someone whose husband drinks too much? Sorry if this is too much like a busmans holiday but I am almost at the end of my tether and trying to decide whether to pack my bags or not. Effectively I am living with two men... Jekyl and Hyde.

I have been to Al Anon but got put off by the other members (who don't really have any more idea of how the alcoholic feels than I do) and the constant references to God, it almost felt like I was being sucked into a cult and made me very uncomfortable.

Do you think it is actually possible to get through to someone who depends on alcohol? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Muddling, you are more than welcome to ask

The AA is really an after help service, and yes god can sometimes be rammed down your throat, but they are a good organisation, but not yet for your husband

He has to admit first that he has a drink problem, which can be the hardest step to take, he has to first also want to stop drinking otherwise from his point of view it will be a complete waste of time.

Once he realises that he needs to change his drinking habits, then a visit to your local GP, preferably if you both go will help, the GP can arrange an assessment of your husband through an addiction counsellor.

Not knowing where you are from, but will guess Britain, there is a great company called Drinkline and many others from the yellow pages that you could ring to also ask for advise.

But seriously, your husband needs to know the truth about himself and his drinking habits first, and tell him you will help in anyway you can and support him through the time to give up.

Have you spoke to him yet about how you feel re the drinking?

Many drinkers dont even realise they are doing it, it is just a habit to them.

So, my initial advise would be to sit down with him and chat calmly and not lay down the law to start off with and dont threaten to walk out to him as this could have two reactions from him.

My wife did that to me and i said ok i will cut down/stop, but all it did was made me hide my drink around the house and garden, which doesnt work, trust me.

My health was put to the point of servere liver failure that nearly killed me and i was only 34 years old at the time.

Sit with him, explain how you feel, and ask how does he feel, as i said admitting you have a drink problem is a major step for any alcoholic, and once the person concerned accepts that there is a problem, then work together to rectify to issue.

Let me know how it goes

Hi, thanks for the reply.

I have tried to explain to my husband how it makes me feel, I have told him I am unhappy and that I do not know how to relate to him when he drinks. I asked him to go for counselling with me to see if that would help but he told me if it was a choice between counselling or divorce he would take the divorce option everytime. So I spent a year and a half in counselling alone and am half way to sorting out my own problems but he is still in the same place.

I used to shout at him about how much he drank but obviously that didn't work!!! He has in the past admitted that he drinks too much and promised to do something about it, at times he has cut down and stopped drinking mid week but the consumption slowly builds until he is getting bladdered on a daily basis again. Over the last 18 months I have tried to back off as much as possible and change our lifestyle (giving him something else to do other than drink) but every so often the stress builds then we have a big blow out over something minor and usually drink related, the last one was because I didn't want him to use a drill when he couldn't even stand up straight!

Every so often I take a turn round the garden or the shed and remove all the stashed empties, I leave them in the recycling bin so he can see what I have done but never say anything to him. I have tried to explain that I don't need to see him drinking, his behaviour and how he talks to me changes so dramatically after about 3 pints and I know how drunk he is just from how he walks into the room.

Over the last week he has been sober 4 days so maybe now is the time to try a conversation again - but he doesn't react too well to the subject being raised so I will have to be strong to stay calm!!!

Sounds like you have been trying to help but sort of getting nowhere, my wife went through the same thing.

Can i ask, what does he drink and what alcohol percentage is it, does he just stick to the same drink or change at all, does he drink spirits, and roughly if it is beers of spirits how much does he have a day

I know its none of my business, but would like to know to understand what the drink intake is, you dont have to tell me if you dont want.

He mainly drinks and can easily get through 8 bottles of 5-6% real ale then move on to home brew wine , white port or anything else alcoholic that he can get his hands on. Once he starts drinking he seems unable to stop and likes to drink on an empty stomach as he likes the buzz.

At the weekend he opens his first beer between 12 – 2pm, drinks until he passes out Then wakes up after 11pm starving and makes loads of noise raiding the fridge… alcohol also causes him to sleepwalk (to the extent that he can make a fried egg sandwich in his sleep!) which I believe is triggered by hunger or a full bladder. If he still has a beer or glass of wine when he passes out he will keep it and drink it the next day

After an argument (or when he is short on cash) he will drink lager - usually Fosters - and is currently consuming 5 cans a night with an some alcohol free days between (he abstained Mon and Tues but had 1 glass of wine last night). This will gradually creep back up until he is drinking around 10-12 cans a night, admitting to around 6 or 8 and stashing the rest of the empties... but once the beer/lager runs out the wine starts flowing and he can easily polish off a bottle of homemade wine which he estimates is around 17%. He tops his glass up when I am out of the room in the hope that I wont notice!

He has told me that he drinks because he likes the way it makes him feel, it gives him confidence and he can say the things he really wants to say. It also makes him feel he is the life and soul of the party and everyone wants to spend time with him. The reality is he loses his sense of reason and becomes arrogant, angry, bullish and egotistical and no one else can get a word in edgeways. He talks AT people, won’t let anyone get to the end of a sentence and just keeps telling you how much better than everyone else he is As a result we don’t get invited to many places anymore!

Blimey, he sounds like i was, alcohol did give me the buzz to be confident and enjoy myself, i couldnt go out unless there was some beer inside me, and they used to say at partys "Hey Nigels a really good laugh, hes so funny", but in reality it was only the drink that made me like that, i knew but they didnt, so i thought "well, why stop", everybody likes me, lets have another...

It was total insecurity that i had, and needed to drink to give me the new boost of life.

Time here now in Windsor is 2pm, 4 years ago i would have already have had 2 bottles of wine, 8 cans of cider and not felt drunk.

Last year i had a liver transplant due to cirrhosis caused by years of drinking.

Your husband is going the same way, that is a lot of drink that he is having, they say the safe limit for men is about 28 units a week, going by what you have said i reckon that he is nearer 90 units per week, his liver will not cope with that, and i will be frank with you, drinking that much will cause liver failure honestly, and the final result will be death.

I am not trying to scare you, believe me, but in reality that will happen, it takes 6 hours for the liver to breakdown 1 unit of the toxins in alcohol, your husband is on just over 12 units per day, the liver doesnt have enough hours in the day to break it all down, which leads to scarring of the tissue, leading to cirrohsis.

This can be reversible or irreversible depending on your husband, he needs now to see a doctor and have a blood test taken to find out what damage the liver has already suffered.

Sorry if i have sounded harsh, but i have been there and know, but luckly for me i changed, some dont.

Can i also add you to my friends list, and where do you come from.

All the best and

Bovril

I think insecurity is one of the main reasons he drinks but he started drinking heavily when his father died in 2000 and originally it was cider followed by JD or brandy. He no longer drinks cider or bourbon (at my request) because cider turns him into a bitch and bourbon sends him looney... he was in the bathroom with his hands over his head claiming I had dragged him in there to kill him (like I could drag him anywhere, he's not a small bloke and I am not a large gal!) The reality was that he went to throw up and fell asleep hugging the toilet!

He is at home now and has been since 2pm and I do not finish work until 6pm... I have no idea what I will be going home to ... how I hate Friday afternoons!

Al Anon told me the eventual outcome could be liver failure so that has not come out of the blue. I have to be honest, I have not tried talking to him this week as it has been so nice to have a good week I didn't want to rock the boat and I was wondering if I have said it all already! Your comments have given me some more food for thought and maybe I can try facts and figures and steer clear of the feelings a bit...

I am very pleased for you that you have managed to come back from this yourself (and for your wife!). I bet you appreciate each day a lot more as a result.

I used to drink too much myself (but nothing like my husband) but seeing what it does to him made me take a hard look at myself and I didn't like what I saw. I now have more respect for myself and don't want to hide the real me anymore. Having said that it feels a bit weird being so open on this site... even though no one knows who I really am!!

I would to be on your friends list and I am in Cambridgeshire

Thank you so much for your help and advice
Muddling x

Thats the beauty of this site, we are all unknows unless you attend the get-together things that they organise on here.

But again thats the other beauty of this site that there is always other posters who are willing to help, listen, advise and comfort about any problems.

Going back to loving each day as it comes, i have basically been given another chance, as last year before op, no one thought i was going to make it, family, friends and ........ even the doctors.

But i am still here and doing my best to try and stop people getting into the same position that i was in.

no problem for the advice, its a pleasure and its anytime

I am from Berkshire, Windsor to be exact

Chat soon

Sounds like you have had a pretty eventful weekend with the gruesome wrist break! I tend to be a little squeamish about these things (but more so when it's my limbs).

I finally got up the courage to mentions the but we didn't really talk. I got the 'stop trying to tell me how to run my life' look followed by the consumptions of 10 cans of lager! Having said that Mon, Tues and Weds have been AFD's and I have not known 3 AFD's in a row for years!!!

I wonder if he has decided to stick to our agreement of about 4 years ago when he said he would stay sober mid-week - not that I can ask without getting my head bitten off

I really admire what you are doing ... helping others with the same issues you have experienced. In my teenage (I am now 36) I was a victim of date rape (before such a thing was acknowledged)... 5 years ago I though of becoming a rape crisis counsellor but during the training realised I had not dealt with my own issues and ended up stopping. It took me a few more years to finally get myself into counselling and now I have dealt with a lot of deep seated issues I am thinking about getting involved helping others in some way. I just need to sort out my home situation first and decide if I want to keep trying or whether I need to move on for my own sanity!!!

date rape, i am so sorry to hear that, how horrid that must have been for you

It must have taken a time for you to get yourself together again after that, its only when things that affect your lives in that that sort of way, be it alcohol, drugs or rape, especially rape,(that is the lowest thing that could happen to a female) that you can help others, cause believe me there are millions that need help in some sort of way or another.

Like alcohol and drugs, rape seems to me to be shoved under the carpet and not to be talked about, which is totally wrong

There do seem to be collective opinions: rape victims were 'asking for it'; heavy drinkers are to be admired - just to make it socially acceptable to ignore major problems with society.

In my case I had a bad night out, ended up crying and my best mates boyfriend offered me a shoulder to cry on. For years I shouldered the blame as I believed I should not have got myself into the situation...in a mans bedroom in the small hours whilst drunk... I learnt from my mistake at least!

To blame yourself must have been incredibly hard to deal with, but it sounds as though you have now dealt with the situation, even though it will always be at the back of your mind.

You sound like a strong character and with what you went through, you need to be.

I think most people are stronger than they give themselves credit for… the human race is resilient and most people survive most things! Realising and accepting the strength is something people don’t seem to be very good at. That is one thing I would like to help other people to understand and accept about themselves… you really can do anything if you put your mind to it.

For the last 3 weeks things have been better with him indoors still having a few AFD's each week but still overdoing it at weekends - better than it was though. Saturday we had a fantastic day/evening watching Roger Waters (of Pink Floyd) perform in Hyde Park... it's just a shame that the drunken git surfaced at the end of the night and put a downer on the journey home!!!

Agree with what you said, its just that sometimes people dont realise how strong they are and just give up

Oooooh, Roger Waters, did he just do his own material or cover any Floyd stuff

It was all Floyd with the exception of one track. I think I died and wend to heaven! He did stuff from The Wall, Wish You Were Here, Saucerful of Secrets, Animals, Final Cut and topped it all off with the whole of the Dark Side of the Moon and Nick Mason was on drums. I cried with joy when they played Wish You Were Here and spend most of the gig covered in goose bumps. Never thought it would ever happen - thought I was too young...

, sounds like you had an excellent time

I have only seen them once many moons ago, during The Wall tour at Earls Court, that was breath taking

I saw Roger Waters perform The Wall live in Berlin in 1989 but it wasn't really like Floyd because it was all guest performers. The stage show was amazing though - building the wall then knocking it down. And of course the whole experience was worth it.

When was the Wall tour? 1980 or 81? I was only 10 or 11!

It was about June 81, i was 17, have you got the cd 'Is there anyone out there', that was recorded at the earls court concert

No, I don't have any live stuff - I take it it's good.

Just found out I lose my job at the end of Sept ... it's so hard to stay positive!

Excellent live cd, but deep down prefer the studio version

, whats with the job thing then, why have you lost it