h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

'The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.' - Robert Louis Stevenson

Robert Louis Stevenson, thou should'st be living at this hour. We live in an age blessed by astounding devices.

Such as the Rollie Eggmaster.

I cannot describe it. Faced with this wonder, I am as speechless as the prophet Ezekiel upon enountering a UFO. He could only babble incoherently about 'wheels within wheels'. I think you should see this marvel. Click below for the official demonstration. (And yes, it is a commercial. And yes, to see it, you will have to watch another commercial first. This is life in the 21st Century.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfZMZo1Rclo

We became aware of the marvellous Rollie Eggmaster last night, because Stephen Colbert, bless his little cotton socks, decided to do a product review. This performance would have been even more appreciated by us had we not been eating at the time. This product demonstration involves a live chicken. I hope you can view this where you are, I've tried to get an embedded video that will show internationally:

http://berniebasementblog.blogspot.com/2013/04/stephen-colbert-looks-at-rollie.html

A few thoughts spring to mind:

- Bless you, Mr Colbert, for realising that the Boston Marathon was not a subject for jokes. (He did an opening bit in praise of Boston that was both funny and touching.) And that everybody needed a good, safe laugh right about now.

- It is obvious that Mr Colbert enjoys animals. Note Colbert petting the chicken. He doesn't limit his admiration to kitty videos.

- This device reminds me of a recipe from an Elizabethan cookbook my mom and I tried once. The recipe was called 'How to frie an egge as rounde as a balle'. It worked, for about the same reason this machine does, but it was cheaper. You still ended up with a fried egg(e) on a stick. My dad laughed at us. Fun for the feebleminded en route to the patent office.

- I will not be ordering this. i get allergic reactions to too many egges these dayes.

I do not know how Colbert got away with this. I assume it's because some fool in that company's PR department sent him a press kit. A press kit in Colbert's hands can be a weapon of mass hilarity.

The show got positively highbrow after that - Caroline Kennedy showed up, and they recited poetry at each other. Even that line about the red wheelbarrow.

Dangity! 'Video not available in your country'.

We get something far more interesting:


"Sorry but this video is unavailable from your location.
It's one of the detriments of living under a monarchy.
But in case you can't give up your silly accents and move to America
Watch clips from the Colbert Report at comedycentral.co.uk"


I've alerted the appropriate authorities here to this diplomatic incident.

That sounds like Stephen Colbert, all right.

I'm sorry about this. I'll try to find one that works.

I'm quite sensitive about my silly accent.

I thought I'd got over it after all that therapy, until you came and posted that link.

Will they never let me forget?

I am unable to find an internationally reproducible video. I apologise. I think the problem is that even embedded, these folks are linking directly to the Colbert Nation page, which is only available in his viewing area.

As a result, I think I'll try to offer you a play-by-play of the routine:

1. Colbert plays the ad in segments.

2. Colbert comments on the product:

Finally, a product that answers the question, 'How can I make a breakfast that fits more snugly into my colon?'

'Then watch as your eggs are slowly extruded towards you, like an angry tubeworm emerging from its host.'

'Yes. Vertical Cooking Technology'. Which beat out its original name, 'Up-pooping'.'

'The old egg shapes were so confusing - circles, ellipsoids, moist lumps. What do they think my mouth is made of, teeth?'

On the idea that 'it's perfect for the office': 'I know, when I'm working long hours at the office, and I want something refreshing, there's nothing like a hot egg rod.'

3. Colbert announces that the product isn't ensuring that his eggs are FRESH enough. So he's got an improved version.

This consists of a Rhode Island Red chicken. (Which he pets.) He pretends to feed the chicken a plate of 'whatever you want in your omelette'. Then he circles the chicken around a bit 'to stir it', puts the chicken carefully under the desk and pretends to plug it into a socket. Then he picks up the 'rear end of the chicken' - we suspect animatronics here - and actually eats the egg roll that emerges, to much laughter on the part of the studio audience.

I know that's not as much fun as watching Mr Colbert do it. He's infamous for making his audience collapse by eating things at his desk - M&Ms he desperately attempts to free from a science experiment a crow could perform easily, unhealthy snack food, etc.

But this will have to do until a diplomatic solution can be found.


By the way, Colbert's sister is running for Congress from South Carolina. He's trying not to interfere, which must be hard. He main opponent is the former governor of South Carolina, who was forced to resign because when they tried to find him, he turned out to be out of state - with his Argentinian mistress.

It must be really hard to resist mentioning that the former governor's ex-wife has a restraining order out on him to keep him from waltzing into her house whenever he feels like it - which he violated on Super Bowl night because he wanted to watch the game with his son and she was unavailable by phone. He said he didn't want his son to have to 'watch the game alone'. We bet he thought he could sneak out again and her none the wiser, but she caught him at the back door, 'using his cell phone as a flashlight'.

His wife won't talk to reporters. She says, 'I'm trying as hard as I can to stay out of this election. I want him to sink or swim on his own.'

Keeping politics high-minded is a lost cause around here. We're too busy laughing.

I just read your comment, Icy. You realise that Colbert had to go to school to fix his, right?

Otherwise, he would sound like someone from Charleston, South Carolina.

vertical heating technology ?? in Yorkshire, we call it a bit of wire spiralled

The youtube link w*rked just fine for me, in Sweden.

'Without all the butter and fat' - where's the fun in that? Bacon and eggs *need butter!

Now you've made me hungry, dang you Dmitri!

I can see the Colbert video okay over here, by the way. Comedy Cebtral tend to be much better about this sort of stuff than other US channels (or the BBC).

And yes, this is indeed astoundingly ridiculous.

Aha. Then this availability issue is the fault of the UK. Hence the snarky message.

Now I'm imagining you cooking with this device, Titania.

It could be worse, you could think of 2legs with it. Scary thought.

I'm afraid I could see it, from sunny Shrewsbury, so it's not a UK thing. Perhaps it's an ISP thing.

Maybe they've just got Icy's number.

Got YouTube natch, but not the other

Am ordering the Rollie instantly .........

Websailor

Ok Websailor , I'll call your bluff. Let readers thrill to your culinary experiences.

Oh no, I got confused. Like Icy I can see the YouTube clip (which I showed to Mr Vip who was similarly ), but not the actual show clip. A shame.

I was wondering whether Shrewsbury had seceded from the UK without telling you.

It might sneak off and join Wales some time, I wouldn't put it past it.

The actual clip was viewable in the oldest monarchy on the planet - and we thoroughly enjoyed it