h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Did you hear about the rotten guitarist?

He was so bad, even the drummer noticed!
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How do you know when there's a guitarist at the door?

The knocking is VERY LOUD but he doesn't know when to come in!
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What's the difference between a hedgehog squashed flat in the road and a jazz trombonist?

The hedgehog might have been on his way to a paying gig!



Bassman

I don't mean to intrude, but I just had to share a few of my favourite musician jokes......

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What do you call a drummer in a suit?

The Defendant/Accused.
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How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?

One, because he/she can just stand in the middle of the room, hold up the light bulb, and the whole world revolves around him/her.
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How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

Eleven. One to actually change the light bulb and the other 10 to say how they could have done it better.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

I just play bass, man!
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I'll just go back to my computer programming now.......

How's about this: A drummer walks past a bar.

How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven, one to change it and 10 to sing about how good the old one was.

Did you hear about the Bass player who locked the keys in the van?

It took the band half an hour to get the drummer out....



Bassman

You know when it's a drummer knocking on the door?

the knocking keeps getting faster

What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?

Homeless!



I hope our Jeff doesn't see all of these....





Bassman

That bad, eh? At least we can tune up very fast! I sometimes play with lutists and harpists, they have to start tuning a week before the gig, it seems!

Tell me about that, I don't think I knew that you played, so what's your poison?



Bassman

Bombarde, chalumeau, tabor, hurdy-gurdy and bodhran, as well as piano and clarinet.

Well I kinda answered that for myself.... Tell me about the first 3 instruments on the list, I don't think I've ever heard of those.



Bassman

See, I'm in a medieval music group, though I also do Jazz and Klezmer. Those are all historical instruments - Bombarde is a double-reeded wind instrument, basically a bagpipe chanter with no bag, the reed has no mouthpiece and is directly held in the lips - I can pull mine up to 120dB! Chalumeau is an early clarinet, clarinet mouthpiece and single reed with a recorder fingering, but it does have a straight bore, unlike the bombarde's conical bore. Tabor is the single-skinned, non-snare side-drum. Am I boring you yet?

120dB - that's loud. Can I have you installed in the tail hump of my bike to back-up the alarm that's fitted?

I'll maybe have to do an internet search for the bombarde, I can't see it in my minds eye. So haw many musicians in your group and how often do you play?



Bassman

Both of those are extremely variable. The group is a loose affiliation of about 70 people, mostof whom sing or play something, but the "musical core" is about a dozen people, we're the ones who sometimes even practice We play whenever we have medieval fair or an internal party, veries with the season and who has how much time. An even smaller grouping consists of my mother and sister, and later the youngest has joined in as well. We can sing three-part, and all play different instruments, we do some Medieval, some folk and some Klezmer, mixed with whatever else we feel like at the moment.

It's strange, I've always worked musically within a much more rigid framework - I'm in a band and these are the members - sort of thing. I'm not sure if I could handle something less formal.



Bassman

So you have the normal four to five member band? Ours is more like an eternal jam session where people sometimes know the same music, on occasion even in the same key!

When I was a lad, I used to listen to John Peel. He used to play stuff by the "Portsmouth Symphonia" which sounded exacly like what you just described....



Bassman

No, we've got a pretty good symbiosis going on

Symbiosis - now there's a word you don't use every day.... well I don't anyhow.



Bassman

My parents are both biologists , that does tend to influence one's vocabulary!

That's interesting.

I was chatting over tea with my girlfriend last night, who also studied biology, she was saying that whenever they had a dissection class in the morning, the canteen always seemed to serve up something which looked similar to what had been the subject of the lesson - spaghetti the same day as worm dissection etc....



Bassman