h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No, you don't need no steenkin' maps!


Someone will go get whatever you need...

What exactly was it that you needed?

Um, a titanium wine goblet....some funky monky robes, and prolly some kind of weapon, eh?

You forgot the regulation Titanium Spork...

You don't need a map, they give you sproing.

Just look here, the instructions are easy, I figured this out last time. Go upp the plant at the sign marked left, and go on till you reach the ice-cream vat (dont eat it, mind, it's cockroach-flavour. Unless you're into that sort of thing, of course.) Go in the door marked "ear-cleaners", you'll find a phone, call NASA. say we sent you. Then just do what comes naturally.

Whatever you do, keep away from the chanting duck.

Coren: Did you find this out while looking for me, or some other time?

::: shrug ::: Who knows? I get my way around the armoury with blind luck most of the time.

Coren: That seems to be the norm, actually.

*shocked*


SOME of us actually know our way around in this place!

*starts off down the hall, going past several doors that say "Welcome" and entering the one that says "No Admittance"*

Coren: Well, SOME of us aren't me or Esty.

You just need to go exploring and learn your way around, that's all. There's really nothing here that can hurt you.




Except for possibly the crocodiles in the basement.

And the fire breathing dragons in the attic.

And that leopard in the room marked baby toys on the 3rd floor.


And yeah, maybe the empty elevator shaft is a little dangerous.


You might want to steer clear of the radiation leak down the west wing too.

But that's *all*, I *promise*.








At least that's all I can think of right at the moment...

Coren: Right... What about the pit of spikes in the basement? Or has that been covered over?

Well... Yes, you might want to be careful when you go through there too, but it's well worth it because that's how you get to the swimming pool!

Now what was it that our new arrival needed? I keep forgetting...

A titanium wine goblet, some 'funky monky' robes, and a regulation titanium spork.

Well... the sporks are in the spork case yonder. ::: gestures in a nondefinite direction :::

A titanium wine goblet? Hmmm.... to go with the official titanium no doubt...

Ah, guess since no one else is going to go in search of it, that means I need to do it.


*wanders off down the hallway and stops in front of the door marked "Dangerous! Sulfuric Acid Spill"*

If I recall correctly the titanium goblets are in here.

*opens door just a crack and flies out*

Yes, I believe this is the place.


*throws open door and enters boldly*

Let's see, now which trunk were they in?

*rummages through the trunk marked baby bottles*


Oh look!


*holds up small object*


I *wondered* where that toe ring had gotten to!

*slips toe ring on toe*


Pretty, ain't it?


Now what was I supposed to be looking for? Oh yes, a titanium wine goblet...


*rummages through the trunk marked "banana peels"*


Crystal chandelier? Nah, don't need that...

*tosses the crystal chandelier into the corner*

CRASH! SHATTER!!!

*pulls out bundle of cotton wool and plays with it for a while*




*suddenly remembers she was on a mission*


Now, what was I after?

Oh yes, titanium wine goblet. I'm sure there's one around here somewhere...


*spies box on shelf marked "lizards and snakes"*





That box looks familiar.


*takes it down and starts rummaging through it, tossing out piles of dirty old socks*



*pulls out titanium *

Aha! I knew I saw it in here somewhere!

*puts titanium in her backpack*

Now... what was the next thing on the list?

*checks list*


Oh yes, funky monky robes.

*scratches head*

It's not that I don't know *where* they are, I'm just not sure *what* they are.

Well, anyhow, best to just go to the right place, and when I come across them, I'll know.


*exits room closing the door firmly behind her and starts off down the hallway*



*wanders past a door marked "spa", one marked "funky monky robes" and one marked "flowers"*



What do you mean, I should have stopped at the one that said "funky monky robes"? Are you insane?!

Look, I'll *show* you what's behind that door, but don't say I didn't warn you!


*goes back down hallway and carefully opens door to room marked "funky monky robes" just a tiny crack*

Stand back! I'm warning you!

*flames shoot out 30 feet from the doorway*

See? I told ya!

*starts up hallway*

What do you mean I was going in the other direction? I keep telling you I *know* what I'm doing here!

*continues up hallway to a door marked "broken dishes"*


This is the room... yes, just trust me, they're in here if they're anywhere in the armory.

*walks in and marvels at the racks and racks of clothing, all types and sizes*

Now, if I were funky monky robes, where would I be in here?


*notices a small unobtrusive shoebox sitting on a shelf on the far side of the room*



I know!

*goes to the shoebox, looks directly under it, and pulls up a floorboard*

Yes, here it is! The key!

*pulls out golden key and runs off down the hallway and up 3 flights of stairs with it*



Not used to all that exercise, you know...




*stops in front of a door marked "flamethrowers, lawnmowers and assorted bubble blowers"*

Are you ready!

*opens door as magnificent orchestral music begins to play, light beams from the doorway*

There it is!

*takes funky monky robes down from special hanging display, drapes them carefully over her arms and heads back*




Anything else you need?

Coren: Wow.

*A tall dark figure creeps along a passageway. He stops at a door marked 'Despair if ye wish to enter' and opens the door. He steps quickly to one side to avoid the large black panther that leaps out, ready to pounce, and hurries into the room, closing the door as fast as he can.*

Lock: *muttering* Now, which one? Oh, yes, it's Sunday, so press here... I've had dinner already, so don't step here... Duck here, because I'm wearing boots... Gehn's in a foul mood, so jump...

*Lock continues to mutter about what he's doing, and the onlookers get the feling that it would be well to ignore everything he's saying. Finally he reaches a door on the other side of the room, which happens to be particularly long and narrow. He opens the door, and catches the orange that flies out, ducking to avoid an angry goose. He looks around, then pulls a chest out of the room. He closes the door, looks around furtively, and opens the chest. He sees that most are made of 24k gold, and the others of platinum. They all are set with precious stones. He stands up, turns around, and says "Stop spying on me, "*

Hmmmm.
, , funky monky robes......I can't think of anything else I could possibly need.....except maybe more wine...

No, definitely more wine.


*puts on robes and bows deeply*
Thank you wery wery much!
Happy Dontbry to you all, as well....now, where did you say the swimming pool was?

Coren: Near the pit of spikes in the basement.

Esty: *off in long-email-land*

Coren: THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY! I love copy-paste.

Coren... someday someone may not be too pleased with these antics...