h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How do you reconcile support for closet necrophilia and arterial embalming, with the banning of pickled sheep? This is bleatantly animalist and, as a died-in-the-wool Scot, I feel it is my duty to report ewe to the sheep relations board.

Hey, don't get me wrong, I love sheep... I just prefer not to sleep with them. Also I simply nurse a small grudge against Damien Hirst. If anyone else proposes a suitably artistic use for the pickled sheep, I may be willing to consider.

I've also gone off necrophilia a bit recently, after reading an interview with a female necrophiliac describing congress with congress with autopsy subjects, and indeed normal corpses; sorry, but the idea of my partner bleeding from the mouth and elsewhere has dampened my enthusiasm somewhat. I think I'll just stick to the near-dead for now.

*thinks* Does she mean me? Ah well suppose she's not far wrong.

I hope you're not trying to pull the wool over my eyes with that expression of love for our ovine relatives. Tho I can understand not wanting to sleep with them, those sheep tics are a pest (and very difficult to explain).

OK Uses for a pickled sheep? Hmm, we'll ignore the elephant jokes for now to make it more of a challenge. Howabout a pickled lamb as an optional extra for a female necro to fit in her handbag to prevent her loved one bleeding to err...deflation?

No? OK, full-sized sheep it is. Draught excluders for paticularly bad-fitting doors? A hat for cold climes/Royal Ascot/a guard at Buckingham palace? As eco-friendly crash protection in a car - one bump and a sheep pops out from the centre of the steering wheel to cushion the impact. I suppose ironically enough this might also affect ram-raiders.

No - I am a genuine sheep fan, even before the whole "Wallace and Gromit" business. I hope you are familiar with "Blackadder" (if you aren't, go and get familiar with this work of comic genius NOW); in the final episode of the second series there is the immortal dialogue between Prince Ludwig and Lord Melchett in which the latter confesses to his bestial tendencies... sorry, I'll stop now...

I don't think a pickled lamb would fit in my handbag (which, incidentally, is also a sheep, and a shaggy Scottish one at that). That one's out.

Your second proposition, however, may be more constructive; now that bearskins are being phased out for the Coldstream guards, a dyed, pickled sheep may well be a possible alternative.

What a bunch of freaks.
Well I feal at home now.

Oh good. Do you want to join in with the pickled sheep suggestions, or are you just here for the near necrophilia?

Freak? We don’t use that term any more, we’re now “genetically challenged”, thank you very much.

Anyway, You’ll be delighted to hear that I rewatched Flossie last night at 2am, and ended up watching another 3 episodes. Have got them all, bar one episode of series one, which isn’t my fav anyway (series 2, 4, 3, 1 in descending order, not that you wanted to know). My boss passes on his thanks for a totally knackered and unproductive worker.

How can you tell your shaggy sheep is Scottish? With a cow it would be easy, “Och aye the moo”. But a sheep? Hmm, not unless it spends all its time drinking wee d-rams of whisky in baas. Then again, if it drives a Lamborghini there's a good chance it owns a chip shop in Glasgow.

I’m getting dangerously close to Damien Hirst here, but you know the elephant dung picture that won the Turner prize? Well if you have a blue background, you could glue pickled sheep onto it for a nice fluffy cloudscape. And if it’s shock value you’re after, just remove the limbs and heads, and paint red rain. Am I in with a good chance of next year’s Turner?

There, I didn’t mention necrophilia once...

Damn! Damn! Damn!

I would like to know, was there an early Damien Hirst exhibited on 'Take Hart' (A BBC childrens art program, kids from all over the UK used to send in their art in the hopes of getting shown). I mean, how do you work up to a shark in formaldehyde? Was he there, age 13 1/2, pickling the goldfish in vinegar?

Blackadder is some of the best comedy to come from the UK. How many people saw the christmas special, where Blackadder was a nice guy? And Baldrick became ruler of the universe?

And Hola! Emily!

H&K
Z

Haven't you seen my name? I forbid cruelty to my dear subjects the goldfish. Though perhaps a pickled one might be rather decorative.

Of course I've seen the special!... well, not of course - there are two that I still haven't seen:

1) "The Cavalier Years" - Comic Relief special
2) The Dome One, whose title escapes me at present. I've read the script, and it was great (so I'm biased...); my boyfriend and I were going to go down purely to see it. Will report back.

"Cvistmas vizout presents is like ze nuts vizout ze nutcrackers..."

Sincerest apologies, Dearest Queen *curtsies*

I've not even heard of the other 2! Do tell about the Dome One!

H&K
Z

Well... after careful deliberation, your apologies are accepted...

The Dome episode was specially commissioned to be shown in the travesty that is the Millennium Dome - debatably the only reason for going (although I have a soft spot for Ron Mueck, so I want to see his "boy" sculpture). Written by Richard Curtis and Ben Elton (God be praised), it involves Baldrick and Blackadder travelling through time (again), meeting various figures of the past - if I remember rightly there is an interlude with Robin Hood, as well as an appearance from Colin Firth. I'm afraid I never saw the attraction of Mr. Darcy. Git. And he was looking down Lizzie's dress when she was playing the piano with Fitzwilliam.

You can hardly hold that against Mr Darcy, Em. If my admittedly fevered memory is correct, you only had to be in the same room and somewhat taller to be looking down THAT dress.

Fair enough. I'd rather like to own one myself; I love empire-line dresses, since if you have a big bust, no hips and a huge waist you can still look good... down with Marks and Spencer! Thank you.

Come to think of it, period costume is another of our bizarre mutual turn-ons...

Oh yeah. Period costume... all those layers... kind of like pass the parcel for grown-ups

Mind you, Slider's the one who's actually into wearing the stuff. You should see him in his cavalry jacket. Me, well, the nearest I come to period costume is dressing like a member of Status Quo in my late thirties

Oi! You watch what you say about Mr Darcy!

Maybe there's ONE reason to visit the Dome after all.

~A~

Git git git git git git git git git git git git git git git git.

Exhibit A: "...That I should rejoice in the inferiority of your connections? ...at one whose position in life is so decidedly below my own?..."

What can I say? Gitsville. Smug, self-satisfied, insensitive, arrogant gitsville. Particularly in view of the fact that the fortune of his very good friend, Mr. Bingley, is the fruits of trade, and Git Darcy initially sneers at the Gardiners for their trade connections.

Plus that pond scene isn't in the book. Thank God.

Ah, but does not the tale show us that the love of a good woman (or, at any rate, the love of a curvaceous one in a low-cut dress) can redeem even the gittiest of men? And let's not forget that Lizzie didn't have many qualms about being so vertiginously upwardly-mobile...

And Mr Bingley... yeah, yeah, sure, nice guy, sweet to old ladies, doesn't kick kittens and all that. But way less cool than Mr Darcy

Well that's as maybe, but... but... Mr. Bingley is sweet and lovely, whilst Mr. Darcy has no sense of humour. I could never love a man without a sense of humour.

And of Lizzie's lack of qualms? I never liked her, either.

Well put Morgan.

I think a blunt and honest man is a welcome change. Give me Mr Darcy over his wishy-washy friend any day.

No, that scene wasn't in the book. But then, the book wasn't written for the screen, was it? Colin Firth is undoubtedly the definitive Mr D though. Brilliantly portrayed.

Lizzie... well, he really was too good for her!

~A~

I rest my case. Obviously I have no chance of converting you all to my way of thinking... I think I have this grudge against "Pride and Prejudice" because no one dies. Now, if Mr. Darcy died tragically three days after proposing to Lizzie having proved himself to be a nice guy really, all would be well and good, but no... I want sex, I want violence, I want tragic-romantic death in my novels.

Remember this on the eve of the publication of my marvellous tragic-romantic snuff novel...