h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"So," it thought, "I need to work out exactly what I am. There are 'noises' around me and 'smells' and I am sure there is 'light', too. And there must also be 'things' and 'beings' and othernesses as such to the same effect. And I can 'think'. That must, therefore mean by any reasonable definition of 'think', that I exist. Therefore I must have a 'body' and as such must be able to use it to 'live'. Therefore I must be a living 'being' and as such must be an 'animal'..."

And having got that far in it's thoughts, it was rudely interrupted by...

a big bolt of purple, strawberry-flavoured lightning...

...which growled sweet nothings in it's ear...

"Gosh!", it thought, "I've pulled!"

...and the purple strawberry-flavoured lightening bolt settled down beside it and started explaining the finer points of the method and problems of making and manufacturing wire mesh of various sizes...

(takes a few minutes to figure out what Ming is saying.... *oh* - that's funny! )

(*wonders if that contributes to the story in any way*)
(Funny? You think so? WOW!! Somebody considers my meaningless unthoughtout ramblings funny!! Yay! Yay!! )

Just then, along came a large pink steamrolloer called Thomas...

...who was so intrigued by the idea of wire mesh (of various sizes) that it began claiming it was also purple and strawberry-flavoured...

sadly, the purple strawberry flavoured lightning bolt was having none of it, and zigzagged menacingly at Thomas.

But what was happening to the hero of the story? what was it doing in the meantime? Well...

..he she or it was wondering aloud what was the meaning of life, why was he/she/it here and what would life on this planet be like without him/her/it...

little did he/she/it know they were there for a specific purpose,very specific indeed. As the bolt of lightning lept screaming onto Thomas he was far to angry to notice the invisible forcefield that was blatently in it's way, and banged straight into it...

...a large, interesting, (suspiciously purple) leaf that happened to be in the middle of transducing a lot of chemical energy into nuclear in a new way it had recently devised using a Mel Gibson poster and black poster paint... The purple strawberry yogurt-flavoured bolt of lightening caused...

...the Mel Gibson poster to transform into the real life Ewan McGregor (or at least a damned convincing look-a-like) who was in a state of undress...

...ing ready for bed. Thomas and the gang soon fell about laughing at his ...

...who would have thought that Ewan himself would opt for the blue and white stripes? meanwhile the lightning was rubbing his head in pain and swearing loudly. now if there was anything Thomas disaproved of it was swearing, he tutted loudly and...

...accidentally tutted the black poster paint all over...

...the luxuriosly thick blue carpet with the interesting falcon motif which will come into the story later. No-one semmed to care that the carpet had got dirty (or notice the interresting motif) because they were all starring in wonder at...

...the interesting falcon motif on the carpet which they all knew would come into the story later, but seemed determined to get noticed now instead of later, by...

bye miss american pie, the llightning then wondered why it was an american pie and not a cottage pie or...