h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...who, half dead as he was, couldn't really do anything about this...

except grunt and roll over, believing as he did that he was a pig

...and as this was almost unbelievable but nearly true he grew wings...

...and flew out of the window, which was shattered into little tiny pieces in the process. One of these pieces fell onto a dial. The dial was on the oven. It turned the oven on. Thus, the over was turned on. It started getting hot, because that's what ovens do. Doris was burned and moved away, leaving only a few bits of residue, like paper and matches... and quite a lot of hydrogen, which exploded slightly in the heat, setting the paper on fire, but for some reason completely missed the matches. Doris slopped about and wondered what the interesting optical effect was... and wondered where all the heat was suddenly coming from... and what it should do about it, if anything. The paper was now burning with a bright blue flame, and a passing giraffe wondered if there was a gas leak and made a run for it - it really hated it when the gas board ought to be there but wasn't. The pig flew past the window again, and Doris slopped slightly in alarm... and then slopped straight into the air because a bit of it had caught fire. Doris slopped madly about, terrified of the flickering bright blueness, but failing to notice the intense heat that was causing it and the carpet to smoke. Doris continued slopping about madly, and then suddenly slopped straight out of the window and landed on a pig in mid-air. The pig squealed loudly because it felt the intense heat, and turned over in mid-air. Doris fell off the flying pig, and the flying pig fell off Doris. Both fell towards the Earht, but only one actually hit it - Doris was distracted at the last second by an interesting sort of cheese...

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...

...and flew off to look at the clouds...

...which Doris thought were very pretty in the harsh bright light of midday. They were a deep shade of grey, and getting bigger, darker, and more electrically charged by the minute... Doris thought it was all absolutely beautiful and flew higher and higher, hypnotised by the amazing clouds...

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...which started to elbow each other, pointing and snickering at Doris. Then one of them threw a thunderbolt at her...

... which startled her so much she suddenly realised that she was a long way away from the ground, and although she didn't know that it was impossible her being there, she realised that there was nothing holding her up, and suddenly there wasn't and the ground was becoming rather more solid-looking than it had been a few minutes before...

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...but that was ok, as she bounced off a swarm(?!) of flying seagulls, which changed her course towards the sea...

...which immediately tried to scramble out of her way as fast as possible because all seas are terrified of slops from floors that are electrically charged and moving at a tremendous rate towards them from the sky. Doris didn't know what to make of this vast expanse of greyness trying to get away, but thought it rather flattering that it was getting out of her way. And then she was flattered by the seabed as she landed on it...

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...displacing it and sending sand through the window of the kitchen back at the house...

...most of which landed on the (now clean as Doris the slop had gone) floor. However, some of it landed in the open mough of the owner of the house, causing him to wake suddenly and wonder why the floor was so clean...

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(I thought he was the pig?)

...but, who was he to worry about things like that? So he wasn't too worried...

(oopsy... )

...about that. He was, however, worried about why he was a winged pig, and also worried about how one minute he had landed heavily on the ground and the next was back in his kitchen...

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...and so he developed a personality disorder, and had to go and see a psychiatrist...

...who removed him from the office because she didn't treat pigs...

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...which left the pig even more depressed, and so he decided to fly to Alton Towers to cheer himself up...

...however Alton Towers, being speciesist, refused to let him in, even though he was paying the full adult price...

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...so he cheated and flew over the fence when no one else was looking...

...and started to enjoy himself terribly because he didn't bother queing for rides, but flew in at the last minute so that the attendant-y people couldn't stop him. However, soon there were a lot of official Alton Towers people out looking for him to chuck him out...

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