Journal Entries
-
- 1
- 2
-
Shrieking is for Hippos
Posted Dec 14, 2007
I don’t want to disappoint you; this chapter has nothing to do with hippos. I just wanted to attract your attention. Now it is time to tell you the sad truth about the real boring topic of this chapter that isn’t really hippos. This chapter is about hamburgers. Strange topic, isn’t it? Well I think that it is a very strange topic, and if you don’t think that this is a strange topic than you have a problem or you’re just plain strange. I’m not talking about just any hamburgers here. Not the type you buy for a dollar ninety five at any McDonalds or Burger King. I’m talking about hamburgers that taste good. That’s right; they are hamburgers with a good taste to them. The one catch, it’s always the same catch, is that those hamburgers with the good taste are expensive. And I mean expensive! These hamburgers can be bought in a certain store outside of my apartment that, unfortunately, has now been knocked down, and the only hamburger of the tasty sort that exists, exists far away from our galaxy. The recipe is out there in space with it, and I can only guess that since no one is making these delicious hamburgers, no one actually remembers how to make it. Many people try to discover the recipe from memory, but have found this task pointless and have ended up running around in circles screaming, “Shrieking is for hippos!” which is an offensive thing to scream, especially to the hippos. This store, may it rest in peace, that sold these hamburgers was named ‘Hamburger Land.’ The store is the very same store that I got my three bottles of water and a hamburger from. And, of course, the hamburger which I bought is the same hamburger that I took without paying. As I said, these hamburgers are expensive, so you can imagine why I didn’t go back to the store to pay for them.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Dec 14, 2007
Writings and Blithings
Posted Dec 14, 2007
Don’t you just hate going down to do something, forgetting what it was you where going to do, going back up, suddenly remembering what it was that you wanted to do, going back down again and doing it? Taking in mind that I had just had a day exactly like that, I decided to take a nap. Five days passed, with not much to do, when I had suddenly realized that today was my date of birth, or as some prefer to call it, birthday. I invited my one friend, baked a cake, and sat around looking at the clock for three hours. When the time of the party was near, my friend knocked, or should I say scratched, on the door. My friend was, of course, the cat I threw up on next to, whom I had befriended the day after the elevator incident He meowed for me his version of ‘Happy Birthday to You!’ and fell asleep. I poked him for a couple of minutes until he woke up. He sat up and looked around. He started bawling. What he was bawling at was the cake. Rather the absence of the cake.
“Good god!” I cried. “Our cake is gone!”
“Meow!” the cat meowed and left. As it walked away I saw crumbs falling from its mouth.
“You ate my cake!” I screamed. It turned back to me and stuck out its tongue as if to say, ‘duh!’ Had I known how to speak cat at that time I would have known that was exactly what he said.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Dec 14, 2007
My Room and the Elevator
Posted Dec 14, 2007
I entered my apartment. This is a huge step into the large process of getting me into my room. The next step is to go to the elevator. The elevator was closed, or as it preferred to call it, ‘out of order’. This is what I consider a ‘bad day’. Maybe you will agree with this term when you learn where I live. New York, the city famous for its skyscrapers. My room, for example, is on the fourteenth floor. So my mission preceding the entrance of my apartment was therefore to walk up those steps. I walked up one floor and decided that in order to make the long journey ahead of me I would need a large supply of water. So I exited the building, making my entrance to the building a complete waste of my time. I went to the closest store, I forget what it was, and bought myself three bottles of water and a hamburger. The hamburger will come in later. It is improper to say that I actually bought the hamburger and the water bottles. I picked out the water bottles and hamburger. Buying them would take money, which was in my wallet, which was in my room. I asked for the lady who was repeatedly asking me if I was having a ‘nice day’ to please hold my things, just without the please. On the way out I also said that no, I was not having a ‘nice day’. I rushed, or walked fast, back to my apartment, which I entered for the second time that day. I rushed, or walked fast, past the elevator, and failed to notice that the ‘out of order’ sign had been removed, and that if at the time I saw it, I would most likely infer that it could now have been used to access my room. I walked up one flight, and stopped again. I saw that I was now where I was before, and that I would have no alternative but to walk all fourteen floors without my food or drinks. At that very second I decided that this was a cruel world and I didn’t want to live in it. I jumped of the steps and fell hoping to end my life, and failed. I landed on my feet, and I started my way back up the fourteen floors. When I finally reached the top, quenched with sweat, I got my wallet and started on the way down. Upon exiting the building I heard a noise. Luckily, the noise has nothing to do with anything, so you can dismiss it as a coincidence that I heard it. I walked to the store, surprised to see the lady had left and taken my items with her. I replaced these, and headed back. Upon entering for what seemed the millionth time, I was just about to walk past the elevator when opened up in front of me like an act of god. I would have never noticed that it was working if it hadn’t opened, that part is true. But it was not an act of god; it was the act of a person who I must have pushed aside as I walked in front of the elevator. She had created that miracle by pressing on a button at the side of the elevator. I was about to thank her, when I realized this was the lady who asked me if I had a ‘nice day’. She recognized me, and pushed me out of her way. I let her get in to the elevator and watched it disappear. All I actually saw where doors closing, but as you might have seen I have a talent for exaggerating. I waited a while before pressing the button, and then waited for what seemed like two minutes but was actually only one and a half. But when I saw the elevator open, I realized that elevators where bad things! I had just taken so much time getting these things, I will use them! I went up those fourteen floors and found the three water bottles empty and the hamburger eaten. I put the key in the lock and opened the door. All that was left of my long mission was to step inside. But no! At that moment I remembered that I had not paid for the water and food. Without thinking I ran down the fourteen floors, not to give the money that had never even crossed my mind, I was going to forgive the elevator which I refused to get into. While forgiving the elevator two things crossed my mind. One, that isn’t it absurd to forgive elevators, and two, why couldn’t I have forgiven the elevator on my floor. Somewhere deep in my heart I knew that the answer to both of these was yes and that knowledge was causing to my feeling like a total idiot, which was good since I was acting like one. I just realized I had left my room open so I went on with my mission in this order. I pushed the button, the door opened. I thought to myself so far so good. I raised one foot into the elevator very slowly, absorbing the feeling of having finally mastered the art of getting to my room using an elevator for a second to long for when I finally decided to put my foot down and to start working on the other one, the elevator door closed on me. I felt a short moment of terrible pain, and then I reached inside the elevator and pressed the ‘open door’ button. This pressing of the button was effective, so I jumped in, pressed my floor number, started going up, felt like I was about to throw up and next thing I knew I was throwing up. When I had finished I sat on the ground and meowed. I realized that this was strange behavior from me so I looked around and saw it was not me, but a cat that was meowing. I got out of the elevator, looked in my room, and finally stepped inside. The door closed behind me. It was quite an obedient door. I sat down and realized that I had just wasted the whole day.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Dec 14, 2007
The Great Fire of Chicago and the History of America
Posted Dec 14, 2007
Once upon a time Moses was staying in Russia. He felt that he wanted to go to the United States of America, and was getting impatient for Columbus to discover it. So he went to the airport to buy himself a ticket. He looked at the prices for a ticket, and told his travel agent that for a machine that hadn’t been invented yet the airplane was certainly very expensive. The agent didn’t mind since he hadn’t been born yet, but that still didn’t stop him from suggesting that Moses might travel by water.
“Do you think I was born yesterday!?!” shouted Moses.
“I don’t think anything, I don’t exist yet.” said the non-existing agent.
“I’ll travel my own way, thank you very much.” muttered Moses.
“Come again!” called his non-existing agent.
Moses went to the beach and lifted his staff. All the water between Russia to Alaska shifted to the side.
“Now that’s what I call traveling with style!” he said, and preceded to moonwalk between the water.
As he started down the wet pathway to the United States of America the Indians, or should I say Native Americans, or should I say Russians, followed him. They fell repeatedly, it was very slippery, but they made it.
The Indians, or should I say Native Americans, or should I say Russian tribes, or should I say immigrants had always wanted to see the United States of America. To climb Mt. Rushmore, to swim through Niagara Falls, even though technically that’s also half Canada. They wanted to smoke in Smokey Mt. But most of all, they wanted to gamble in Los Vegas. Most of these things didn’t even exist yet, but they would make pretend until they did.
One day the illegal immigrants, (as they had no papers), read their horoscope.
“Cancer will rise to Mars.” one read aloud.
“What the hell does that mean?” said another.
“I don’t know, but it says it will bring bad luck.” the one who had read the horoscope said to the other who had listened to him read the horoscope.
“We could pray to an idol to give us good luck.” suggested the one who had listened to the other one read the horoscope.
“Better yet,” said the one who had read the article to which the other one listened to, “we could take a spaceship and stop Cancer from rising.”
Spaceships hadn’t been invented yet, or horoscopes at that, but as I mentioned before, what they didn’t have they made do by pretending. As we all know, even though it’s an improvement on the apes mind, the human mind doesn’t hold much imaginative power, and so half way up the galaxy they suddenly had a lapse in imagination and realized that everything that was going on was a complete load of Mongolian butterflies, and they all fell to the ground.
That day was historic, for it was: A, the farthest the human race has ever gotten into space since Icarus, and B, the first time a sign actually crashed into a planet. Cancer into Mars. And since the immigrants were unable to stop this all from happening, all the pieces of the crash fell on Chicago and started the first fire of Chicago.
The immigrants then immigrated, or politically correct: migrated, to New York, where they got drunk and became the original Broadway cast of a Fiddler on the Roof, a consequence from several stupid decisions made by the chief after the short while they pretended him for congress. Since there was no one else to do the job, he was soon promoted to president, and since there was no one to re-vote for him, he was soon kicked out.
Lot’s of thing were going on in other places too. The green people from Africa came to America and made all the immigrants their slaves. This worked perfectly until a historian came round and told them that they had it all wrong, so they switched places. This didn’t work so well and thus sprouted the Civil War.
At the head of the Civil War was a general named King Luther Martin Junior, who fought for what he thought was right, although it usually wasn’t. He invented the first tanning salon, where people who thought they looked ugly could become even uglier and put their friends, if they had them anymore, in a really uncomfortable situation by asking them to them how they looked.
Once, a ship came by. Columbus, at long last, got out and announced to his crew that after a lot of meaningless sailing in circles, they had finally found India!
“You dolt!” someone said. “This is the United States of America!”
“How can you tell?” asked Columbus.
“There’s a McDonald down the road.” The sad crew then sailed back to Spain, where, for not finding India, they were fined fifteen cents each, and they all went bankrupt.
Then came a great time for the United States of America. There was a time of poverty. Long lines to get coffee. Homeless people. So why was everyone so happy? Alcohol was banned, and when something is banned, when is it an even better time to get something then when it was banned? Thus the name “Great Depression”, more famously known as the “Great Drunkening”.
Soon to come was World War Two, which took the United States a long time to join because they were to busy getting over the period called the “Great Hangover”.
Japan then sent a bomber to America, and as it dropped its bomb, it also dropped a horoscope. The immigrants read it.
“Cancer will rise to Mars.” one read aloud.
“What the hell does that mean?” said another.
“I don’t know, but it says it will bring bad luck.” the one who had read the horoscope said to the other who had listened to him read the horoscope.
“We could pray to an idol to give us good luck.” suggested the one who had listened to the other one read the horoscope.
“Better yet,” said the one who had read the article to which the other one listened to, “we could take a spaceship and stop Cancer from rising.”
By now both spaceships and horoscopes had been invented, you see.
“A bomb is going to explode over our heads any minute!” said one immigrant who had been listening the other two for quite a while now. “Let’s have some fun.”
So they all went to New York for the last time. They got drunk for the last time. They played the revival of a Fiddler on the Roof for the last time.
Then Cancer rose into Mars, but this had already happened, so nothing crashed into nothing and nothing fell on Chicago, starting the Great Chicago Nothing. Then it all exploded. Legend has it that the last word an American muttered, was “Help!” as the drunken Fiddler on the Roof fell of the roof.
And they all lived happily ever after! The end!
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Dec 14, 2007
Cars
Posted Dec 14, 2007
When people pass other people on the street they are totally rude. They don’t even say hello. We cars aren’t like that. When we pass other cars on the street we make sure to say “beep”. And if our drivers don’t let us, we break down or fake a flat tire so that we can have a conversation. If that doesn’t work, we just crash into the other cars, because that’s bound to take a while. We are like dogs to our drivers. Like pets.
Different cars have different attitudes. Race cars are very mean. Trucks and SUV’s are very friendly cars, although they sometimes accidentally run over small cars, because they take lots of time to fill up at the gas station. Gas stations, for cars, are social places. Women have spas, men have bars, and cars have gas stations. Foods have refrigerators, videos have the movie shelf, and books have the bookshelf. Everything has its own social gathering. A cars first trip to the gas station is like the first day of first grade.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Dec 14, 2007
-
- 1
- 2
-
iyasur
Researcher U10637953
Write an Entry
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."