h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I entered my apartment. This is a huge step into the large process of getting me into my room. The next step is to go to the elevator. The elevator was closed, or as it preferred to call it, ‘out of order’. This is what I consider a ‘bad day’. Maybe you will agree with this term when you learn where I live. New York, the city famous for its skyscrapers. My room, for example, is on the fourteenth floor. So my mission preceding the entrance of my apartment was therefore to walk up those steps. I walked up one floor and decided that in order to make the long journey ahead of me I would need a large supply of water. So I exited the building, making my entrance to the building a complete waste of my time. I went to the closest store, I forget what it was, and bought myself three bottles of water and a hamburger. The hamburger will come in later. It is improper to say that I actually bought the hamburger and the water bottles. I picked out the water bottles and hamburger. Buying them would take money, which was in my wallet, which was in my room. I asked for the lady who was repeatedly asking me if I was having a ‘nice day’ to please hold my things, just without the please. On the way out I also said that no, I was not having a ‘nice day’. I rushed, or walked fast, back to my apartment, which I entered for the second time that day. I rushed, or walked fast, past the elevator, and failed to notice that the ‘out of order’ sign had been removed, and that if at the time I saw it, I would most likely infer that it could now have been used to access my room. I walked up one flight, and stopped again. I saw that I was now where I was before, and that I would have no alternative but to walk all fourteen floors without my food or drinks. At that very second I decided that this was a cruel world and I didn’t want to live in it. I jumped of the steps and fell hoping to end my life, and failed. I landed on my feet, and I started my way back up the fourteen floors. When I finally reached the top, quenched with sweat, I got my wallet and started on the way down. Upon exiting the building I heard a noise. Luckily, the noise has nothing to do with anything, so you can dismiss it as a coincidence that I heard it. I walked to the store, surprised to see the lady had left and taken my items with her. I replaced these, and headed back. Upon entering for what seemed the millionth time, I was just about to walk past the elevator when opened up in front of me like an act of god. I would have never noticed that it was working if it hadn’t opened, that part is true. But it was not an act of god; it was the act of a person who I must have pushed aside as I walked in front of the elevator. She had created that miracle by pressing on a button at the side of the elevator. I was about to thank her, when I realized this was the lady who asked me if I had a ‘nice day’. She recognized me, and pushed me out of her way. I let her get in to the elevator and watched it disappear. All I actually saw where doors closing, but as you might have seen I have a talent for exaggerating. I waited a while before pressing the button, and then waited for what seemed like two minutes but was actually only one and a half. But when I saw the elevator open, I realized that elevators where bad things! I had just taken so much time getting these things, I will use them! I went up those fourteen floors and found the three water bottles empty and the hamburger eaten. I put the key in the lock and opened the door. All that was left of my long mission was to step inside. But no! At that moment I remembered that I had not paid for the water and food. Without thinking I ran down the fourteen floors, not to give the money that had never even crossed my mind, I was going to forgive the elevator which I refused to get into. While forgiving the elevator two things crossed my mind. One, that isn’t it absurd to forgive elevators, and two, why couldn’t I have forgiven the elevator on my floor. Somewhere deep in my heart I knew that the answer to both of these was yes and that knowledge was causing to my feeling like a total idiot, which was good since I was acting like one. I just realized I had left my room open so I went on with my mission in this order. I pushed the button, the door opened. I thought to myself so far so good. I raised one foot into the elevator very slowly, absorbing the feeling of having finally mastered the art of getting to my room using an elevator for a second to long for when I finally decided to put my foot down and to start working on the other one, the elevator door closed on me. I felt a short moment of terrible pain, and then I reached inside the elevator and pressed the ‘open door’ button. This pressing of the button was effective, so I jumped in, pressed my floor number, started going up, felt like I was about to throw up and next thing I knew I was throwing up. When I had finished I sat on the ground and meowed. I realized that this was strange behavior from me so I looked around and saw it was not me, but a cat that was meowing. I got out of the elevator, looked in my room, and finally stepped inside. The door closed behind me. It was quite an obedient door. I sat down and realized that I had just wasted the whole day.