h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Once upon a time Moses was staying in Russia. He felt that he wanted to go to the United States of America, and was getting impatient for Columbus to discover it. So he went to the airport to buy himself a ticket. He looked at the prices for a ticket, and told his travel agent that for a machine that hadn’t been invented yet the airplane was certainly very expensive. The agent didn’t mind since he hadn’t been born yet, but that still didn’t stop him from suggesting that Moses might travel by water.
“Do you think I was born yesterday!?!” shouted Moses.
“I don’t think anything, I don’t exist yet.” said the non-existing agent.
“I’ll travel my own way, thank you very much.” muttered Moses.
“Come again!” called his non-existing agent.

Moses went to the beach and lifted his staff. All the water between Russia to Alaska shifted to the side.
“Now that’s what I call traveling with style!” he said, and preceded to moonwalk between the water.
As he started down the wet pathway to the United States of America the Indians, or should I say Native Americans, or should I say Russians, followed him. They fell repeatedly, it was very slippery, but they made it.
The Indians, or should I say Native Americans, or should I say Russian tribes, or should I say immigrants had always wanted to see the United States of America. To climb Mt. Rushmore, to swim through Niagara Falls, even though technically that’s also half Canada. They wanted to smoke in Smokey Mt. But most of all, they wanted to gamble in Los Vegas. Most of these things didn’t even exist yet, but they would make pretend until they did.
One day the illegal immigrants, (as they had no papers), read their horoscope.
“Cancer will rise to Mars.” one read aloud.
“What the hell does that mean?” said another.
“I don’t know, but it says it will bring bad luck.” the one who had read the horoscope said to the other who had listened to him read the horoscope.
“We could pray to an idol to give us good luck.” suggested the one who had listened to the other one read the horoscope.
“Better yet,” said the one who had read the article to which the other one listened to, “we could take a spaceship and stop Cancer from rising.”
Spaceships hadn’t been invented yet, or horoscopes at that, but as I mentioned before, what they didn’t have they made do by pretending. As we all know, even though it’s an improvement on the apes mind, the human mind doesn’t hold much imaginative power, and so half way up the galaxy they suddenly had a lapse in imagination and realized that everything that was going on was a complete load of Mongolian butterflies, and they all fell to the ground.
That day was historic, for it was: A, the farthest the human race has ever gotten into space since Icarus, and B, the first time a sign actually crashed into a planet. Cancer into Mars. And since the immigrants were unable to stop this all from happening, all the pieces of the crash fell on Chicago and started the first fire of Chicago.
The immigrants then immigrated, or politically correct: migrated, to New York, where they got drunk and became the original Broadway cast of a Fiddler on the Roof, a consequence from several stupid decisions made by the chief after the short while they pretended him for congress. Since there was no one else to do the job, he was soon promoted to president, and since there was no one to re-vote for him, he was soon kicked out.
Lot’s of thing were going on in other places too. The green people from Africa came to America and made all the immigrants their slaves. This worked perfectly until a historian came round and told them that they had it all wrong, so they switched places. This didn’t work so well and thus sprouted the Civil War.
At the head of the Civil War was a general named King Luther Martin Junior, who fought for what he thought was right, although it usually wasn’t. He invented the first tanning salon, where people who thought they looked ugly could become even uglier and put their friends, if they had them anymore, in a really uncomfortable situation by asking them to them how they looked.
Once, a ship came by. Columbus, at long last, got out and announced to his crew that after a lot of meaningless sailing in circles, they had finally found India!
“You dolt!” someone said. “This is the United States of America!”
“How can you tell?” asked Columbus.
“There’s a McDonald down the road.” The sad crew then sailed back to Spain, where, for not finding India, they were fined fifteen cents each, and they all went bankrupt.
Then came a great time for the United States of America. There was a time of poverty. Long lines to get coffee. Homeless people. So why was everyone so happy? Alcohol was banned, and when something is banned, when is it an even better time to get something then when it was banned? Thus the name “Great Depression”, more famously known as the “Great Drunkening”.
Soon to come was World War Two, which took the United States a long time to join because they were to busy getting over the period called the “Great Hangover”.
Japan then sent a bomber to America, and as it dropped its bomb, it also dropped a horoscope. The immigrants read it.
“Cancer will rise to Mars.” one read aloud.
“What the hell does that mean?” said another.
“I don’t know, but it says it will bring bad luck.” the one who had read the horoscope said to the other who had listened to him read the horoscope.
“We could pray to an idol to give us good luck.” suggested the one who had listened to the other one read the horoscope.
“Better yet,” said the one who had read the article to which the other one listened to, “we could take a spaceship and stop Cancer from rising.”
By now both spaceships and horoscopes had been invented, you see.
“A bomb is going to explode over our heads any minute!” said one immigrant who had been listening the other two for quite a while now. “Let’s have some fun.”
So they all went to New York for the last time. They got drunk for the last time. They played the revival of a Fiddler on the Roof for the last time.
Then Cancer rose into Mars, but this had already happened, so nothing crashed into nothing and nothing fell on Chicago, starting the Great Chicago Nothing. Then it all exploded. Legend has it that the last word an American muttered, was “Help!” as the drunken Fiddler on the Roof fell of the roof.
And they all lived happily ever after! The end!