Journal Entries
hey
Posted Apr 10, 2003
Marcus informed me that yet again I had gone a week without posting.
On wednesday they wanted me to stay in for a few more weeks, but I really really wanted to come home and mum talked to them for about an hour alone and persuaded them so Im back home.
I havent cut for nearly 2 weeks.Mostly because I've been unable to cut.
I've put on a disgusting amount of weight. I've gone from an 8-10 to a size 16-18. Although I must admit, I was working out in my room @ Charlton Lane untill I nearly passed out about 4 times a day, so Im getting rather muscular, so I suppose its not unhealthy.
They're sorting out a care program so that I will have to leave the house nearly every day to go and do a session with someone, so that I cant have my mind rest so I dont start self harming again, to try and give me more self confidence and to try and prevent me wanting to end my life. *raises eyebrows non comitantly*
And Im going to leave h2g2. This time finally.
H2g2 has been a source of support for the past 5/6 years, but now I think its time to move on. As well as being support, it has also caused numerous problems, all brought on by myself.
I hope to keep in contact with those few individuals who wish to know me anymore. If they have no desire to have anything to do with me, then fair enough.
For those of you who dislike me, your window of oppertunity for b*tching, manipulating and all sorts is now open. You can remain safe in the knowledge that I will probably never read it so you can say whatever lies and untruths you see fit to survive with.
my love,
suz
xx
xx
Discuss this Journal entry [8]
Latest reply: Apr 10, 2003
*posted by LexWest, a day late...*
Posted Mar 31, 2003
"Hello from the Charlton Lane Centre!
Im under observation so Im not allowed to leave the ward at all, so at the moment Im generally just sitting in the tv room and crying. Marcus took my razor blades from me so I cant cut. People keep trying to talk to me, but I shy away. Meh.
I asked the big cheese and bigger cheese for a diagnosis and the closest he gave me was "psychosis". My anti-psychotic as therefore been upped *rolls eyes*. I have a really bad feeling they're not going to let me out for a while this time.
They're going to assess me again on Monday to see whether I'll be alllowed to walk beyond the 20 metre area of the ward. To be honest it seems unlikely.
At first I resented Marcus for calling my mum. Im not angry anymore but...frustrated. And according to him someone replied to my journal saying I was attention seeking, which I find really really REALLY offensive.
Marcus cried and threatened to leave me when he saw my cuts as they were "Gaping".
I've just got to the end.I wont say anymore because I know it just upsets people if I say things so I wont.
And Im waffling, so...yeah. I have a nurse stick their head round my door every 10 minutes and when Im watching television they come and say "How are you Sue? are you alright?".
And I just snapped at Marcus. And he's just walked out. *sigh* see, Im lame.
Ok, shutting up now."
Discuss this Journal entry [5]
Latest reply: Mar 31, 2003
hi
Posted Mar 27, 2003
Ive decided that Im going to ween myself off h2g2 and then not come back. Its just better for everyone that way.
Marcus said the other day that my cuts couldnt get much worse than they are. *sigh* He puts so much hope that Im going to be able to stop. He says he understands but I dont know if he does.
The letter to my psychologist is sitting on my drawers behind me. I got blood on it.
Mum says Im looking even paler than usual and that I've gone anemic from the amount of blood Im losing each time i cut...which is practically every night. last night I only did 50...which is an improvement. I have about 5 deep ones where my upper arm is just...."grinning" open. Most of them bled through the night, my pillow is all bloody.
Im going to overdose soon. i dont think that anyone can change my mind about it. i love you Marcus, because you're my best friend and i know you would do anything for me. I cant see anything loveable in me, but somehow I do believe you love me.
I love you Amy for your compassion, understanding and caring. You replied to me in one of your journals by saying "can someone actually care too much?". Yes I think they can, and you are one of those people. I will try and make the baby blanket before I do something. The material is downstairs waiting for me to sew.
I love you Patrick, you deserve so much better than life has given you. You are undoubtabley one of the soppiest and cuddliest people I know, and I respect you immensley.
I love you Justin, you started caring so much about me basically from when we first started talking. You're so clever and charming, I wish we could of spent more time together.
I love you Nyssa, even though we havent spoken for so long. I hope so dearly that you will live in happiness with Njan for as long as possible. You are both such wonderful and, 'exquisite' people.
*feels like crying*.
I hate what someone has done to me. I want to rip their f*cking throats open and....and this is going to get moderated and I dont want it to be. its strange that I only started feeling hate towards the end of my life.
Mums just got back in with the children. I dont want her to find me when the children are still here, I'll do it in a few hours.
This could be seen as attention seeking. *sobs* I dont care what anyone thinks anymore. I dont want anythign anymore.
Please dont feel sad, dont panic, dont do anything that doesnt fit in with your day-to-day life. This is for the best.
I love you
Discuss this Journal entry [11]
Latest reply: Mar 27, 2003
*sobs quietly*
Posted Mar 19, 2003
okoKOKk. I have to build up the courage to write a letter to my new Big cheese (not the bigger cheese, he scares me) and or my O.T. (all letters get filed in my bloody thick folder, even the christmas card I gave my O.T because I said something about the craft group). Amy (who...I feel that I want to admit that it is her in mind to whom i write these journals <shyblush>
has her own ideas about what may be wrong, and I just dont know.
I mean with the M.E., when I found out that other people were also accused of not 'pulling their socks up' ect when they ACTUALLY COULDNT and had the host of other afflictions that come with it, and that I wasnt the only one felt so...wonderful. I just want to know that they're not going to suddenly pull the carpet from under my feet and say 'you're making a big deal out of things that arent important, deal with it'
*tries to calm down*
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Mar 19, 2003
*sobs quietly*
Posted Mar 19, 2003
okoKOKk. I have to build up the courage to write a letter to my new Big cheese (not the bigger cheese, he scares me) and or my O.T. (all letters get filed in my bloody thick folder, even the christmas card I gave my O.T because I said something about the craft group). Amy (who...I feel that I want to admit that it is her in mind to whom i write these journals <shyblush> has her own ideas about what may be wrong, and I just dont know.
I mean with the M.E., when I found out that other people were also accused of not 'pulling their socks up' ect when they ACTUALLY COULDNT and had the host of other afflictions that come with it, and that I wasnt the only one felt so...wonderful. I just want to know that they're not going to suddenly pull the carpet from under my feet and say 'you're making a big deal out of things that arent important, deal with it'
*tries to calm down*
Discuss this Journal entry [4]
Latest reply: Mar 19, 2003
Back to Ddychweledig - pining for the Fjords's Personal Space Home
Ddychweledig - pining for the Fjords
Researcher U102281
Write an Entry
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."