Journal Entries
hmm..
Posted Mar 17, 2003
a week without me posting to h2g2? what is the world coming to..
last night went nuts and deeply cut loads of cuts up my forarms and all the way up to my shoulder, my upper arm gaping in several places. Mum said that she couldnt steri-strip them because there were too many and I refused to go to casualty (I only told her beceause a couple really needed them and I was covered in blood). the ones on my upper arm didnt stop bleeding for 2 hours, even when I applied tissue to them. When I removed the tissue, I had a lovely waterfall effect of cascading blood from gashes up my arm.
Saw the big cheese...and the Bigger cheese...Lol, the dose of anti depressants Im on is now so high that they dont make capsules for it, so I have to have 2 instead. Mum came in and told her (I now have a female big cheese *rolls eyes*) that my 'self injury' was getting way out of control and that something needed to be done, so the whole smegging session was focusing on my cutting. Which is all well and good, but I really wanted to tell them about what was going on in my head. But oh well. While she was seeing the Bigger cheese, the skirting board was staring at me and making odd screaming sounds, so I started crying because it was rather distressing, but thankfully I think my eyes werent puffy because she came back in fairly soon.
*sigh*
Marcus probably hates me. Stupidly the thought of him hating me makes me want to cut, but mum made me promise that I had no blades or sharp impliments in my room, and because I dont like lieing I had to give her the....4 things I was hiding in my speakers (a blade from a stanley knife, a surgical knife, something i cant remember but i think came from a tool box, and a blade from a razor that I dismantled). Just so people know, here are the top 6 things that make me need to cut, in no particular order:
1 life, 2 guilt about my presence in the world, 3 the detrimental effect i have on people, 4 the ...euphoria of seeing myself in pain (although thats an after thought I suppose), 5 Stealth, 6 general detestation of myself as a person, entity and being.
Im just lame and...Lame. I saw a photo on a kind of...black comedy (that being dark humour, not afro-carribian-american type sitcom) website at Marcus's that showed a man had carved, rather deeply, "Scum" into his chest. I felt sorry for him, and I wanted to hug him and make things better...despite the fact it was a post mortem photo (....*shrugs* marcus and I get bored; we dressed him up as a woman on saturday night, and very sexy he looked too!). 
Double standards; its alright for me to cut because I deserve it, but its not alright for other people because they dont.
Ok, I'd better shut up now. Went a week without posting them bombards people with a bewailment journal.
xx
xx
Discuss this Journal entry [7]
Latest reply: Mar 17, 2003
*slams head*
Posted Mar 6, 2003
guess what.
For some reason, when I started sharing files across the network between my brother and I, it stopped sharing the internet connection, despite the fact the little box is checked.
So ARGH NO INTERNET AGAIN!
Amy - even my mum is making things for Paper Baby now 
she's been knitting something for a few days 
My Occupational Therapist said that they're all going to have a big meeting about me, and then arrange another that I will be asked to attentend. *sigh*
Marcus is solvent abusing again and its all my fault.
I dont understand Current Accounts.
and Jon is coming back into his room (im on his computer at....22:25), so he's probably going to tell me to bugger off now.
So..yeah. Hello.
And I think next time I get put in the 'looney bin' its going to be for a long time, I was lucky with only a week as the standard is 6. *sigh*.
I have a strange compulsion to say Subroutines. Too much TNG while falling asleep 
Ok going now.
xxxx
Discuss this Journal entry [6]
Latest reply: Mar 6, 2003
last night...
Posted Mar 4, 2003
..I cut myself, went into a frenzy and did a few too many.
came out of the frenzy with my mousepad saturated in blood and my arm congealing to the desk in blood, with me right hands fingers also covered in it.
Didnt know what to do so feebley called "Mum...help?".
She came up with a towel and after pausing said "Yes, I think this time we're going into hospital Susan".
Had my arm bundled up in a towel (which later had to be brought home in a plastic bag because it was, like the mousepad, saturated), and was taken to casualty.
A lovely nurse asked "So how did this happen?". I accidently laughed and said "I cut myself ".
Saw the doctor after about an hour. He said he wanted to call out a psychiatric team and give me a tetnis(?) shot.
Nurses came and asked me to wash my arm (they wanted to soak it, but I said that I may as well just wash it under the tap). Rubbed off the congealed gunk and it all started bleeding again. Had steri-strips applied and all bandaged up *rolls eyes*.
After 2 hours the psychiatric person arrived. To my utter joy (note sarcasm) she didnt have my file, only 4 pieces of blank hospital paper. So I had to explain everything. She asked the usual routine questions I get when I try and explain my symptoms,"Do you often feel people can see into you?" "are the things you experience in or outside your head?" "Do you sometimes feel you could end your life" (to which, once again, I accidently laughed).
She wanted me to be taken up to a ward, sleep (as it was about 1am), then be transfered back into the place I was in before. She called her boss to have a "Serious talk" with him.
I went out and explained what she'd said to Mum, who said that she didnt think it was a good idea going back in. "You didnt cut before then." "...Yes I did, you just didnt know about them" "Yes I did" (...see, my mum has a strange logic sometimes.).
Got called back in, with mum, who said she wanted me at home. The psychiatric woman said she would call Lexham Lodge (where I go for occupational therapy ((its a day-care centre)) ) and get someone to come and see me to talk about having a psychiatric nurse see me a couple of times a week in my home. She also said my medications would have to be changed and raised.
Came home, played with the dogs and slept.
This morning my O.T called my Mum and they talked.
I dont know what was said, but I think I have to have another "serious talk" with her on wednesday/friday.
*sigh*
Discuss this Journal entry [5]
Latest reply: Mar 4, 2003
.
Posted Mar 1, 2003
*sigh*
Basically Mum and marcus have been worn down so far that they're allowing me to cut. This really feels horrible but hm.
I did about....*stops to count* well, 70 from the wrist of my left arm to 3 inches up my upper arm, and only...*counts again* 21 on my right. I couldnt do deep ones no mater what angle or weight I put into trying; my arms once again are getting like leather. so as well as moisturising my boobs (to lessen stretch marks), Im moisturising my arms.
ANyway. Sorry, its just I have no-one else to talk to about things like that other than my h2g2 journal, as Marcus is now practically a reformed character about it.
I have my big cheese appointment soon...next week I think, and Mums adiment that I need different tablets otherwise I wouldnt be like this.
Im hiding so much from people....does this make me a liar?
I dont really want to go back into the Looney Bin place as its really very very dull and although they left me in my cubical bed thing for meals, they always came in and kept trying to talk to me and you were never really alone because there was always someone watching through a window and *sigh*. I just want to be alone so I can carve into my arms as deeply as I want without having the added guilt of hurting people and driving them down further with me with all the turmoil and I want to do something un...speakable to myself. I want to die I want to hate this THING that I am. I dont want my head, its not really mine, I have too many ...I dont know what they are. I dont know if anyone reading this can associate with the incredibly horrible feeling of knowing theres another mind as well as yours in your head, and knowing that your head is linked up to things it shouldnt be.
The other night while Marcus was at my house he told me that it wasnt fair on everyone to have to put up with me, so I ran out of the house and tried to go down to the ford where I like to imagine dying, but he chased after me and wouldnt let go. I ended up taking a duvvett into the bathroom and sobbing in the bath with it over my head.
*sigh* this is getting long.
Im fat, ugly and evil.
Discuss this Journal entry [11]
Latest reply: Mar 1, 2003
"pfft"
Posted Feb 25, 2003
Hehehe, Marcus (who is sitting next to me) (in my house) and I have trained Jonah to answer to "King of the Jews" (). No offence meant to any Christians or Jews or anyone who could concievably take offence by me naming my dog after the supposed son of a god.
I havent cut yet. Mainly because I wouldnt do it while Marcus was here....and also because he threw my razor blades into the gutter (
).
Gwendle Pin is having a sleep over tonight.....5 14 year olds....great fun.
Mum hasnt phoned the doctor about my heart yet, which is cool.
2 welsh people have posted to me! Ahhh!*runs away very quickly*
*posts to them first*
xxxx
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Feb 25, 2003
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