Journal Entries
So yeah...
Posted Jan 15, 2003
..guess what? I have no mental discipline.
I went on a cutting spree with one of my mums scalples from downstairs.
Only one fairly small one has any ~real~ depth to it, they all bled like mad though. Luckily my bed sheets are a kind of ...
colour, so...it doesnt look that bad (my arm was dripping faster than I could grab tissues).
He's now going to hate me as he said the only way he could believe I loved him was if I gave up cutting. I tried, I gave my pieces of glass to mum, went to the GP and even nearly got put in hospital again. But this is all irrelevant, I am a bad person.
I cant get across quite how much it helps. Seeing marcus makes me...'happy', but thats only every so often, my tablets....*shrug*...god knows what I'd be like without them, alcohol ....well, im scared that I would turn into an alcoholic. 
Mums disappointed in me (she noticed that when I reached up for a glass in the cupboard that my jumper that I slept in was stuck to my forearm), Marcus...Im scared of what he's going to do.*shakes*.
My mind is thinking that if I cant cope without cutting, then I should shut myself away from people...even more. *closes eyes*
Im a fat, ridiculous child.
And no, I dont know why I keep being so open about things here. I mean, it was a shock to Mum the other night that I was wanting to die, so I'd like to think I didnt wear my heart on my sleeve and that I dont walk around with a sign on my front saying "the end is nigh".I dont know. Im just lame.
Discuss this Journal entry [42]
Latest reply: Jan 15, 2003
*tries to shake off anger*
Posted Jan 14, 2003
*breathes deeply*
Anyway.
I told mum that the only reason I was alive was because it would hurt other people if i killed myself. My coping mechanism I cannot use because it hurts other people. Everything I do is for other people.
~I~ have no want to live.
I want to cut, I want to hurt myself. Yet Marcus wont let me. Well, he's not physically restraining me obviously, but says if I do he will be really hurt.
I dont understand how my tablets are meant to help me. I think its fairly safe to say my anti depressants arent helping, the mood stabilizers are maybe, but the anti psychotic things....I dont undestand how they are meant to block out things that are there. I wont cry, I wont cry. The urge to cut is so strong, its so....unfair that just because Marcus got caught and is now on a cleansing path that he wont allow me to.
*
* next time I see the GP, mum wants me to mention my heart rate, which is now almost permenantly quite high (as a result of tension BECAUSE I CANT CUT MYSELF AND I AM CONSTANTLY SPINNING AROUND WITH FRUSTRATION).
And Im worried about the meet. I snapped at Njan last night. No-one wants me there, I am really lame in person. , that statement wrongly implies that Im NOT lame online.
I feel like a puppet.
Discuss this Journal entry [37]
Latest reply: Jan 14, 2003
thoughtful...
Posted Jan 12, 2003
Marcus and I talked a few days ago about whether we were scared of death. We concoured; no.
Nyssa wrote a journal that spawned people giving their thoughts on fear of death.
Marcus and I were shlumped next to each other on my bed listening to various mp3's, and he said something about me in my 20's, and I automatically replied "I dont intend to be alive that long".
*would like to add that she's feeling almost fine at the moment, a little tired*
I have accepted that I will probably die...by my own hand, so to speak.
Sorry. Rather Macarbre (if thats how you spell it *sings Jonathan Creek tune 
").
xx
xx
Discuss this Journal entry [30]
Latest reply: Jan 12, 2003
today
Posted Jan 10, 2003
The doctor just "hmmd" and questioned me, and he's upped my anti psychotic medication from 2mg to 5mg a day. he's told mum to keep a careful watch over me.
I was very brave today in town(really, be pleased, REALLY); I went into topshop *
* to get a plain,black,long sleeved top, and as they had a huge sale on, looked at the jewelry in the £1 and picked up a wide choker and black beaded necklace. At the till, she scanned both of them in, both being around £8. I said "Um...those two were under the £1 section..
"....
!!! I disputed a sales person! On my own!!!
Ok, marcus has just come in and sat on my bed, so shutting up will I do...., he's mesmorized by the little snow angel Nyssa gave me.
xxxx
Discuss this Journal entry [7]
Latest reply: Jan 10, 2003
:-\
Posted Jan 9, 2003
Mum told me not to make any plans with marcus for the weekend as Dr Morrison is going to evaluate whether I should be put back in hospital tomorrow 
.
I burnt myself with an inscence stick yesterday because i couldnt cut. they smelt strangely of Mcdonalds beefburgers...
the oboe is really smegging hard.I can play 5, almost 6 notes on it. , I've got the corky reedy thing stuck in it though *
...
*.
Urgh I have to do stuff for and-then and my site is smegging me off.
Hm, if he does decide to shut me back in, then computer related work might go down the loo a little.
Marcus said I was looking healthier now Im eating better.I asked, "is that good or bad?" "..I dont know"
xxxx
Discuss this Journal entry [28]
Latest reply: Jan 9, 2003
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