h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Cleopatra, Paris, Achilles...all the souls who let their passions lead their lives. They are blown about in an endless whirlwind. Not a very comfortable place...dark and damp, windy, but better than some we will encounter later.

Hehe..here's a bit of trivia for ya Snaed! Good ol Achilles, hero of the Trojan War and all, he's here because he:
1)sodomized his
2)male
3)cousin and
4)killed him in the process.
Talk about going overkill on the seven deadly sins!

But anyway, we should make it through this circle no problem. After that though, we have to get around Cerberus to make it to the third level...

And this sick Achilles-freak is only in the second level? Broagh, can't wait to meet the ones who were dooemd to the sith or even seventh one...
*The wind rises and shakes Snaed's equipment, producing a a lot of metallic noise*
Reminds me of that blizzard that surprised us when crossing the Suchan mountains in '54. Did I ever tell you 'bout this time? Well, we were fighting for- - - Hell! GRANDPA!
*The stormwinds carries along the tortured soul of a dwarf and bangs it against the rock merciless. He moans: "Ohrgh...and I still got that goddam headache...."
[Snaed]
Aoh, poor Grandsnaed, mum always kept saying his boozing would bring him to hell... can we do anything for him ?

*all aorund the gale rages but a signe is standing still untuched by anyof the sering heat or the wind. it reades, TO EXIT THE UNDERWORLD YOU MUST BE EXACTLY THE SAME WEIGHT AS YOU ENTERD,IF YOU ARE EVEN A MILLIANTH OF A GRAM EATHER WAY YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE*

Hmm...that's a new rule. Looks like we'll have to gain some weight, we already smoked those cigars and I lost my toga belt...
*grabs the sign out of the gale* This should do!
And sorry, Snaed, I don't think your old Granddad can be saved. He's just a soul now...
*The party forges ahead, and at the bottom of a steep underground ledge, they see the three-headed Dog of Hell. They watch as Cerberus tears sinners apart, then they reform in the sludge and are ripped again*
This could get tricky...

*Afier ball falles from above and BlzeeBob appers and draws a 6ft great saword*
lets make this fair boys tow against two
*grins evily*

*Inspired by BeelziBob's fire-ball descent, Moloko gets an idea*
Snaed, do you have a ball in that bag of yours?

*After digging around a bit, he finds a ball and gives it to Moloko. Looking at Cerberus, Moloko holds up the ball*

Here, puppy, puppy.... *and he tosses the ball to Beelzibob as Cerberus leaps for it. A melee ensues, while Moloko and Snaed sneak by, into the third circle*

*a spine chilling hole is herd and BeelziBob riding on cerbrases back sprints after the fleeing pair*
did you pick up your ball gentle men remeber the rule
*laughs and starts throwing fierballs*

[Dead Lawyer] Don't worry! Only each individual object needs to be the same mass ... g'haaaaa! [gets blown away]

Bloody layers always find a loop whole

*As Moloko and Snaed sprint through the third circle of Hell...*

Guess it's a good thing that Virgil incapacitated the guardian to the fourth circle, Plutus, when last he came through here. The sinners in the fourth circle, the Hoarders and the Wasters, are doomed to roll two gigantic stones together and then push them back apart, forever through eternity. The entire time, the hoarders ask "Why do you waste?" and the wasters ask "Why do you hoard?". Pretty monotonous, if you ask me...

Now, what to do about BeelziFreak and Cerberus...

[Dead Acupuncturist] Beats me. Maybe box of chocolates and some sweet talk?

*Moloko and Snaed sprint past the body of Plutus toward the sinners, BeelziBob, Cerberus, and flaming fireballs at their heels. The sinners are pushing the two giant boulders towards one another...*
Now for it, Snaed!! *the two run in opposite directions. Cerberus, the three-headed dog, is confounded...one head follows Moloko, another follows Snaed, and the third is caught in the middle. Not knowing which way to go, the dog heads forward, right between the giant boulders, just as they are smashed together*
Whew!! Just in the nick of time...but I don't think that's the last we'll see of ol' Bob...

[Moloko, to Snaed] Okay my friend...now we come to the fifth circle, the Marsh of the River Styx. Phlegyas is the Ferryman...he will take us across. The wrathful and sullen are punished here...the wrathful hacking and tearing at each other in the marsh, the sullen trapped below it, singing the same hymn for ever...
After we cross the River Styx, we will come to the City of Hell....Dis. Getting through it's gates will be one of our toughest challenges. Virgil himself needed Divine help. The walls of the city (and the sixth circle) are guarded by the Rebellious Angels, three of the furies, and Medusa.

If you are a Holy man, er..dwarf, perhaps now would be the time to pray...

Anyone (alive) here know Green Magic?

Moloko formerly had Green Magic powers, but they were removed when he was exiled from Olympus. His are now delegated to White and forms of Red and Black magic.

*Moloko and Snaed come to the edge of the Styx. Out of the fog and reek of the marshes, a one-oared raft floats to the bank. A dark shape covered in a black shroud beckons them to the raft*

[Moloko] Well, how bad can it be?? *They climb aboard, and the raft heads for the opposite shore, and the flaming city of Dis...

*The dark shape speaks*
Hello, I am Dancer, where do you want to go?

[Moloko] Phlegyas on a lunch break or something?? My friend and I are just trying to get across the River...you see, we were trapped in Hell by a demon called BeelziBob. Now, we have to get to the ninth circle and get out before he catches us.
*looks back, apprehensively* Of course, we haven't got any idea how to get into Dis right now...

I am dancer, cleric of Ya, I was here looking for kidnapped souls.

If you can unswer my riddle I will take you to the other side and help you in your quest.

But first, tell me why did you come to the underworld, I can see you still have natural life in you, you belong above.