h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Granted! The only problem is that you wrote it ten years ago; your teacher (or boss, or whomever) read it earlier, and now you are accused of plagiarism!

I wish that the teenagers on the block would stop yelling and shrieking in front of my own house, and would go do that kind of stuff at their own homes!

(wow - if I'd been able to write that at 12, I'd have a scholarship now and my troubles would be over )

Granted - unfortunately, they've all decided to move out, and, not being able to afford their own flats, now live in cardboard boxes on your front walk.

I wish I hadn't overslept.

Granted. You did not oversleep--but everyone else did. You spent hours alone and bored, and subsequently fall asleep before anyone starts to do anything even mildly interesting. This continues in a viscious cycle for the rest of your life.

I wish for a ninja beating stick.

I observe ninja.
Ninja is angry with stick.
Ninja beating stick.

(ancient haiku)

I wish I were clever like you.

You want to be careful. Unfortunately you were looking at me at the time


I wish I had normal intelligence.

You have normal intelligence. It is magically held in a jar at the back of one of your cupboards. No, not that jar, the other one.
Don't worry, there's no way it could get into you.

want to give us a wish to destroy?

I wish I had thought this through.

Oh you have and while you were distracted by your deep meditation you neglected to pay your bills, but what is electricity to someone with such a perfect thought process.




I wish for dazzling communication skills, as well as pleasant and interesting things to communicate.

you have except the rest of the world have gone deaf, dumb and blind....

I wish I could stop working three days early and go to India today!

Granted. However, when you get there, there is no hotel room ready for you, since you are three days early. Enjoy your night!

I wish I had a good source of income.

Granted.
Unfortunately it's from taking part in several clinical trials with horrible side effects. You are now immensely rich (what with the lifetime's worth of compensation payouts), but half dead.


I wish it were cooler here.

Granted. You are trapped in a huge freezer in an abandoned warehouse with hundred of boxes of frozen peas for company.

I wish I were on a desert island.

wish granted are you happy living on this sundae or do you want to move to a chocolate pudding, what desert island I though you meant dessert island

I wish I owned the universe

Granted!

You get a neverending stream of complaint letters to the landlord (i.e. you), your tax bill takes up 3 palents per quarrter, you have to employy a several solar systemfuls of accountants, handymen, etc, and the administrative stress has given you a lovely bunch of psychosomatic illnesses.

You're also pulblic enemy number one with every leftwinger in the universe.


I wish I had longer legs.

Here's a set of legs from a deceased adult giraffe. I reckon they're about the longest you can get. You can't use them to walk about, but they are definitely longer than your own legs.

I wish I didn't suffer from water retention.

Granted, you no longer suffer from it. You kind of enjoy it, actually.

I wish I didn't have so far to walk.

No problem. You must now crawl everywhere.




I wish my mother appreciated my individuality.

Granted!
She's now phoned
The police
Social services
Broadmoor hospital

about it.



I wish I was 7 feet tall.

My feet are about 10 inches long. 7 of those is 70 inches. So you are now 5' 10" tall in 'real money'.

I wish it wasn't so hard to get hubby to pour the tea I've just made. (I need his help carrying it, but that would be another wish.)