h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Re-enters smelling slighty of burnt electricity ( whatever that's like)*
Gwennie make your mind up, do you want a gentle massage to ease away your pains or a quick polish. I'm programmed to please, whichever you prefer. I'm not sure that floor polish would suit your complexion though..

Baldrick? Androyd?

*Gwennie's tiny mind can't cope with the confusion and she passes out on the floor, her complexion already taking on the hue of a waxed floor*

* Wafts at her with specially fluffy towel which is kept in a secret compartment*
Sorry about that Gwennie, Baldrick uses this terminal from time to time, usually at weekends and he doesn't bother to log off. That's what you get for associating with a smelly turnip eater I guess. Another way to refer to him would be as a teenager. No I think smelly turnip eater does him justice.
It's disturbing for my personality too!!. Gwennie!! Are you OK?
*Lightly brushes cheeks with towel*
..hmm, on second thoughts perhaps she would buff up nicely.

*Pulls herself to a sitting position as the floor buffer's approach wakes her up*

Androyd? I thought you'd turned into Baldrick there for a minute... It's okay, I don't need buffing but do carry on with the floor, thanks.

I know what you mean about having to share terminals...my family keep wanted to play on MY 'puter. Well, we did buy it for the kids but mum monopolises it!

*A soft mechanical noise sounds and androyd feet rotate until two soft polishers replace the normal footwear. He begins gliding effortlessly around Gwennie like an ice-skater.*
That was a neat side-step Gwennie but I am programmed to serve, so it is my pleasure. * Looks wistful* Though not as much some things that have happened here...

Right, well the floor is shining up nicely now. Will that do? Gwennie?

Yes, that's terrific thanks!

There doesn't appear to be much else to do, unless you're good at restocking the fridge with drinkies...*looks hopeful*

There's my three dogs that always seem to want to go for a walk, too...They're very good, although Jess doesn't like mechanical appliances very much (she savages the vacuum cleaner and lawn mower) so maybe that's not a good idea, unless you want one of your feet chewed off!

What's your tipple Gwennie, I mean I like engine oil myself but I understand that's not to everyone's taste.

As for dogs, I had the best dog in the whole world once but of course he died and I've never wanted to get aonther one. I'm good a walking them though and my feet are made of platinum plated reinforced tungsten so I don't think theres much danger of them being chewed off.
What are their names?

Ooh! I have a hankering for a pint of Fuller's London Pride...

Sorry to hear about your doggie. What was his name?

I lost my old lady, Kim (a cross border collie/standard poodle) who looked like a bearded collie at the ripe old age of 17 1/2. She had been my companion through so much of my life and so many changes (the birth of my two children, divorce, marriage, emigrating) that I still miss her terribly, even though it's been over two years and I have the other three dogs to soften the loss. Allthough I do enjoy remembering her, and all my other past pets, as my memories of them are so pleasurable.

My three pooches are called Jess (6), Spike (3 who is being neutered this Tuesday) & Kim (5 months and the reason that Spike is being neutered, as she has to have one season before she can be spayed).

Jess and Spike are both border collie crosses although Jess is black with long glossy fur, but Spike is a dumb blond (he's daft!) and resembles a Retriever! Kim is all white, apart from a light/dark brown "mask" over her eyes and ears and is becomming very shaggy! I have no idea what breed she is although people have said she seems to have a lot of terrier in her.

I share my home with five cats too! (Hence having to vacuum so much!)

Grizzle was a border collie/St Bernard cross ( the mind boggles as to how!!!)so he was big and clever and a completely free spirit. He was my best friend from the age of 21 to 35 and losing him put a hole in my life that I don't really need to revisit.. I had had other dogs before but he was perfect, I miss him still like a dear friend and I don't really need that emotional turmoil again.

I'll see what I can do about the beer. *Exits*

Enters carrying keg of Fullers London Pride, pump and tubing and glasses, goes to into carpentry mode. Quickly assembles a mini-bar with unutilised bits of furniture. Sets up pump and pulls pint.* There you go, Gwennie, sorry for the delay.
*Thinks, shame about her taste in beer!*

Gwennie you need to bring me down to earth...in the last week I've had two approved guide entries and got made a ACE, my cicuitry can't stand the excitement!!!

Apologies for my absence... I was either too busy or too tired to play on h2g2 for about three days and only managed a sneaky ten minutes a couple of day's ago.

Sorry about the loss of Grizzle. I know how you feel and although it's a silly thing to say, when the time is right another dog just as wonderful will turn up. It always happens to me with cats and dogs and although they can never replace my earlier friends, they become just as precious to me.

CONGRATULATIONS on having two guide entries approved! *Gives Androyd a poke with a cattle prod to jolt him down to Earth!*

You must let me know when they're posted on the front page!!!!!

Pours a couple of pints of London Pride to celebrate.

*goes a shade of fetching pink*
I said calm me down, not stir me up
*eyesball rotate once*
Entries have been and gone from the front page Gwennie
It's interesting being an ACE - I've met a Mayan Moon Goddess and a real live dragon already this week.
How to you feel about the new look?

I like it and am getting used to it now. Although, being a boring old fart and stick in the mud, prefer the "classic goo" as it had a more fun look to it!

I'll find your articles if I visit your home page where they should be listed so I'll do that later.

*Puts away the cattle prod*

I've gone back to goo because I've had problems with alabaster not updating my homepage and once it just hung up completely and refused to update. It seems a lot of the 'old' hands are not happy with alabaster. I'm asking new users which they prefer.
*Looks wistfully at the cattle prod*
How's the beer?

*Offers the cattle prod to Androyd*

The beer is fine, thanks!

I've got a R.L. beer to look forward to this eveing as I bought my hubby a father's day bottle of real ale (Bishop's Finger by Shepherd Neame) as a present from the kids and John says he'll share it with me! It gives the impression that I had an ulterior motive in getting the present, doesn't it?

BTW

I've read through your accepted guide entries...

Well done!

I nearly fell off my chair whilst reading the 70's entry! Being born in 1957 and experiencing my teens during the 70's, your article brought back lots of memories. It certainly was a decade to cringe at but WOT A LOT OF FUN I DID 'AVE!!!

Well I have to admit that that is a composite article and they left some of the more interesting bits out, but actually when you look back though not as glamorous or famous as the sixties actually quite a lot of different things happened and by Crikey I certainly went for it!!! Don't seem to have suffered too much d..dd..ddd..ddd..dddd dammm damage though. *hits side of head violently* Hmm fathers day, good job I think of it as a vile American invention, that way I wouldn't feel so bad about my son having absolutely no concept of doing something special for dad, but that's teenagers for ya!

Don't even mention teenagers! *Sits in a corner and shudders*

My daughter, Mair is going to be 13 in July... At the moment, she's grounded for a six month period for sneaking alcohol from home to school and then getting drunk...

Unfortunately for Mair, her period of "imprisonment" covers the school holidays, but I'll probably let her off as a birthday present! By that time, she will have done half of her punishment. Her friends think I'm terribly mean....