h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I, the LizardLady, will be the queen of this new world order, and will rule in a benevolent fashion. Humans, who are not mature enough to deserve to rule the world, will bow as slaves to their conqueror!
Bring Back the Dinosaurs!

Sorry, we already have a leader (but I've forgotten who it is). The dinosaurs might come in handy though!

Don't trust 'em lizard lady! They're VOGONS, and they'll make you listen to their POETRY all night and day if you cast your lot in with theirs! Throw your support behind the Baron and Fenny! True Empreror and Empress of the Earth and moon! We'll let you have the Amazon as your Satrapary! After all, not much else is suitable for dinosaurs nowadays!

da Baron

ptewie!<<----------------------------- *

"We'll have to get rid of the PIDGEONS when we rule the world!"

Thanks for the warning--but what's a Satrapary?
I would love to help you with the Pidgeons, but I am a vegetarian, and
thus non-violent. Is it possible to bore them to death? I, of course, am never bored, since I am capable of sittng for days motionless, and completely entertained by such activities as watching paint dry.
Langourously,
LizardLady

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Of course, with there being few of US, you will probably own a whole continent if you join our side (the mutants won't want anything) Then the pidgeons will not be harmed.

So LizardLady, what will it take for you to join our side. Name your demands.

Lizardlady.... *Fenny holds out unlimited supplies of chocolate* All yours! All you gotta do is join OUR side, which is the TRUE side, anyhow!

No supply of chocolate is unlimited! And once you give yours away, what will you be left with????

Anyhow, how can you compare the lure of chocolate and mutants? It'll be like comparing,...well....chocolate and mutants...... Our mutants will get you all the chocolate you want. Even if it means taking it from babies. In fact, that's who they'll start with .....

I do not care for chocolate, and as for mutants---what's the attraction? My demands are simple, my requirements few---total worsip and unlimited supplies of pina coladas for all my friends , including you.
All the chores done by self-repairing, computerized robots, unlimited reading material, and NO MEDIA!
LizardLady

Welcome to our side LizardLady, your total worship is assured. As for mutants, until technology provides up with robots of equal function, mutants is about the best we can do for all your daily chores. They'll also bring you all the pina coladas you desire.

Thank you, I accept. Now for our strategy for world domination-what is it to be? I suggest challenging them to a staring contest, at which I excel, social ostracism combined with icy politeness,or as a last resort, closing ones eyes slowly and deliberately until they go away. ----Or we could just poop in their water supply---works for me.
I remain,
Hepetelogically yours,
LizardLady

Staring down the pathetic inhabitnts of this world will be almost too simple; you with your cold (yet polite) gaze, and me with my newly perfected evil glare. In some parts of the world we've been beaten to the --pooping in water supply-- strategy. It seems that the local inhabitants get used to it after a while and it's the tourists that suffer.

We appear to be on the same wavelength as far as the staring down part goes--starting rumours about their sexual peculiarities springs to mind as another strategy, and we could throw an imaginary party, invite them all, then ignore them while whispering amoungst ourselves, and then announce that the servants have been caught peeing in the beer. Would this not be demoralizing enough? Please advise.
ps---Pooping in the swimming pool drives my human crazy--she screams, swears, and runs away---but at least she understands when I'm pissed with her.Of course, she also gets rewarded for good behaviour--perhaps we should discuss that next.
Scatalogically
LizardLady

Excellent! **Eyes narrow evilly**
Anthropologically
Aurora

I am at present beginning to feel the effects of a number of fermented plums--slipped into my feeding dish by my resentful human, who childishly takes what ever pitiful revenge she can. Or maybe its the pina coladas?
I am in imminent danger of slipping off my branch into my reflecting pool[poopless at the moment, thank Lizardness], and thus shattering my social image. This would be disastrous to my credibility. Please keep me posted on the progress of our movement.And wake me when we have taken over the world.
Tipsily,
LizardLady

<*//Excerpt: World Domination Diary //*>

<//*Got up this morning with mischief on my mind. Evil mischief. The reproduction of mutant army by genetic manipulation is comming along splendidly. .... and the goverment thinks we're spending their money on cloning sheep!?.....

New recruits are joining our ranks daily. Only criteria, so far, is the ability to maintain a cold, ruthless, evil (but polite) glare. Before long, posters and television brodcasts showing images of our evil glare will be spread accross the globe, pounding the unsuspecting populace into submission.//*>

So much for the stick--what about the carrot? I mean,why should people want to join us? I think its time for a conspiracy theory---what shall we blame all the ills of the world on?
An endless supply of pina coladas and abject worship does it for me, but perhaps we need something more?
Quizzically,
LizardLady

Why should people come and join us? Mmmmmm..... Because we're a selfish bunch of evil doers that is hell bent on satisfying our every whim at the expense of what we laughingly call humanity, and people with like interests like to hang out together. So we're more of a support network then an organization. People who come and join us will be content in an atmosphere where evil, selfish acts are encouraged, in fact, celebrated. Where wicked, mischiveous thoughts are treated with the same gravity and respect deservent of creative endevour. Where pina coladas abound and where idle thoughts of world domination can be brought to reality.

Hmmmmmm-I suspect I may be on the wrong side--I may be monumentally selfish, but I am not evil.I suspect that only humans have the capacity for true evil, and of course I am not human. I do pity them, though.
Their present domination as a species is about to come to an end, as they are an example of uncontrolled growth, a cancer on the body of the Earth.Heres to the return of the Dinosaurs!
Regretfully,
LizardLady

Umm....well....did I say evil?....I meant it in a nice way of course.....We're always polite after all....Sure we may bend a few rules of "established social conduct" in the course of total and utter world domination, but no one's perfect?! You cannot blame us for minor faults? Besides, we're also in the proces of bringing dianosaurs back to life through the same technology that's generating mutants. What's an army of mutants without dinosaurs?