h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The organizations you belong to are no longer scheduling meetings at the same time. One of them decides to hold its meetings in Japanese (which you don't speak). Another holds its meeting in Tasmania (you are allergic to most Tasmanian flowers). That just leaves your family reunion, which will be graced this year by the reappearance Uncle Zigby, whom you owe ten thousand pounds to.

I wish my plum tree were old enough to bear fruit.

A bear has just left assorted fruits (not plums) in your plum tree. The tree is just old enough to cope with the extra weight.

I wish my son would no procrastinate so much when he has homework to do.

Your son finishes the book assignments for the term in two weeks, making it necessary to find other occupations for his time.

I wish the weather were getting cooler quicker.

The sun stops working, but you will only notice that in about eight minutes, when the last ray of sunlight reaches the earth. Did I tell that apart from cold, it will be dark as well?

I wish the world population will reach a sustainable equilibrium very soon.

[That is a wish that I have no desire to corrupt]

Scientists invent a way to inflate the world to a larger diameter, thus making more room to house more people. This is fine, but as a result, the length of day increases to 25 hours. All work contracts have to be renegotiated to account for this extra hour. Life expectancy decreases by 4.2% at once. Deep driling is forbidden from now on, due to the risk of deflating or even popping of the earth.

I wish all the small repairs at home were done.

The reduction in gravity that comes as a result of expansion helps and the small tasks are done.

The stretch effects have opened major breaches in the walls and foundations calling for major rebuilding.




I wish I were done with the internal renovation of my place.

A freak whirlwind turns your house inside out. Now you end up with external renovations.

I wish I had a more reliable car.

A philanthropist hears that you want a more reliable car, so he gives you a car that will last for 100 years. After twenty years, people laugh at your car, which has become very unstylish as other cars change appearance.

I wish I could grow coffee beans in my yard.

Coffee beans manage to grow in your back yard. The neighbours' civet cat eats them and excretes them in their garden. Your neighbour sells these beans at a huge profit.

I wish I had never heard of civet coffee.

For post 3989 I hope you don't mind http://holyjoe.org/poetry/holmes1.htm I thought you might enjoy, promise to get back to corrupting soon

F S

[I had the one-hoss shay in mind when I wrote that. A car would have more than 60 hosses, though....]

The fact that you never heard of civet coffee made you a ready victim of the fever brews when Paulh's neighbor went into business marketing the stuff by the sip.




I wish I didn't have to make a wish.

Corrupting them is more than half the fun.

I know the feeling, but by not wishing, you will be charged for killing the thread. The judges ar conferring right now about the sentence.

I wish it would be either warm enough to go outside in a T-shirt, or cold enough to skate

...the sun so hot I froze to death... ...Oh! Susannah!...

High frequency changes result in heatwave atmospheric conditions over frozen ground and waterways.




I'm still wishing for an end to the drought in southern California.

It rains so hard, your neighbors ask for help in building an ark.

I wish the days would stay perfect the way they are now.

...fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fishheads...

I invite my neighbors to a fish-fry aboard the ark.




Weather control arrives, the days are perfect, it rains just enough every night, excepting weekends and holidays to the gardens and landscape in prime condition.

Ennui sets in.




I wish I could afford a long planned recreation center for the house.

Your rich uncle passes away he left his fortune to you alone and you build your entertainment room. Unfortunately all of your family and friends have heard about your good fortune and bring over recordings of all their favorite films and songs. Not only can you not enjoy the room yourself - they expect you to serve food and drinks.

I wish I could just stay home and relax all of the time.

You develop an intimate relationship with your bed. It will not let you go.

I wish I could stay in bed longer.

You slip in the shower and whack your head on the as you fall. You receive significant brain damage and are left in a persistent vegetative state. Staying in bed is all you ever do now.

I wish hotels were cheap enough that people could genuinely use them for casual travel. More importantly, I wish hotels still had lounge lobbies and didn't have TVs in everybody's room, so everyone would hang out in the lobby.