h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Your fish and chips appear.

Their appearance is deemed miraculous and attracts such a gathering of saints, prelates and the faithful that you're unable to get to the fish and chips through the burgeoning crowd.

I wish I had a plate of fish and chips too.

You have fish and chips: a large shark and some poker chips.

I wish Washington D.C. was just a swamp again.

Washington DC is swamped by Japanese tourists who want to see it one last time before the tempers of Kim yong un and Trump cause it's destruction.

I want season three of Outlanders available on my tv

I pulled some stings to get you season three of Outlanders. You owe a million dollars for this, and the people who are waiting for it are not easily amused.

Sorry, that's strings not stings.

I wish for a cool enough night that I can sleep.

Winter comes early and lasts all year. Crop failures result in famine and wars for resources. Millions die slow and painful deaths.

But that's okay. You got a full eight hours one night in August.


I wish I was an inspiration to someone.

You inspire someone to start the revolution, unfortunately he uses some dirty device to achieve this, irradiating the capitol city. He mentions you as his inspiration.

I wish everybody listened to what other people said.

[I'm sitting this out. I don't want to corrupt the development of good listening skills]

So be it.

Everyone listens to what's said by everyone else, but not everyone has the capacity to integrate equally well founded opposing viewpoints.

The consequence is histrionics of epic proportions.




Sometimes I wish I didn't need to make a wish at this point.

There's actually very little I wish for in my personal life other than more money.

You make more money by working 70-hours a week. You never have time for anyone or anything else and every day you're so exhausted that you just fall into bed and wake up 6-hours later to start another grind.


Your vast sums of wealth sit uselessly in a bank vault, because you don't spend it on anything other than food, rent, and taxes.


I wish I didn't have to do three hours of paperwork for every one hour in the classroom.

Or I wish I had my own Batcave. Either one.

Could you have imagined the amount of paperwork needed to build / run and cloak your very own batcave? Half of the space in your batcave is taken up with the boxes of paperwork and more is coming in every day.

I wish that mice and frogs didn't walk in when I want to sleep with the door open.

Those mice and frogs are there for a reason: an evil has it for you. Hearing your wish, he gives you a magnificent door that keeps out the mice and frogs. At first you are grateful, but when you wish to go out to go to work, you find that the door is a portal to Muppetland. There to greet you is Kermit. Disneyland is next door

I wish the leaves on my rose bushes weren't always getting destroyed by Sawfly larvae.
http://www.missouribotanicalgarden.org/gardens-gardening/your-garden/help-for-the-home-gardener/advice-tips-resources/pests-and-problems/insects/sawflies/rose-and-pear-slugs-sawflies.aspx

You get relief of the sawfly larvae by means of spraying with tobacco tea, made by steeping a pound of tobacco overnight in water sufficient to cover it, then straining it through a coffee filter, being careful to spray both sides of the rose leaves.

On the down side, the bug-hunter birds complain when their favorite sauce is taken away




I wish I was further along with preparations for my winter garden.

Two metres of snow have fallen overnight. You now have a wintergarden. Now you have to find a way to clear the doors and enjoy it.

I wish for the next holiday to arrive

The next holiday is two months away, but this morning your doctor said that you have only one month left to live.

I wish I had some wild roses for my yard.

Your roses are so wild they eat all the other vegetation and attack passers-by. You do not dare to leave the house.


I wish I could think of a wish that wouldn't harm me

A couple of very nice men show up in long white coats and give you one too, unfortunately your sleeves tie together in the back. They take you to a room with padded walls where no one can harm you - not even yourself.

I wish I had enough time and money to do all the things I want to.

You receive a single ten gazillion dollar banknote. You now have plenty of time to find a bank which will accept this. In the meantime, you acquire lots of "friends" who also need money to do the things they want to do. The world bank prohibits exchange of your banknote for fear of collapse of the global economy. Eventually, you decide to exhibit the banknote so that you can live from the admission fees. All of your time is needed to guard your precious note.

I wish that different clubs and schools would not pick the very same date and time for their "must attend" meetings all the time.